How to Make Love Like an Englishman

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(Richard) It's important

you understand:

it's not you, it's me.

What we have is so special.

I love you more than I can say.

But I'm sorry.

Truly.

Because- I f***ed up.

Look...

I owe you an explanation.

But honestly, I don't

know where to begin.

Maybe there...

at the beginning.

You see, I grew up

above a great party.

(Music plays)

(Loud moaning)

(Woman) Oh, Gordon!

(Young Richard) Mummy?

(Gordon) She's-

she's in the kitchen.

Just what are you doing?

I'm waiting for

your mother to bring

out the hors d'oeuvres.

Now bugger off.

(Richard) After school,

I used to love to listen

to my father lecture.

(Gordon) Now the faculty would

have me teach it was Wordsworth,

Keats and Coleridge who,

in writing about love,

defined the Romantic Age.

And they've told

me to ignore Byron.

'Mad, bad, and dangerous to

know' was how one of his many

lovers described him.

He was controversial.

Now did you know, this esteemed

establishment told Byron that

he wasn't allowed to bring

his beloved dogs to college.

So he said 'screw the rules. '

He went out and he

bought himself a bear.

Brought it to class

on a chain and leash,

tied it up to that

very pipe just there.

So, you see, it was Byron

who defined the Romantic Age,

which wasn't about love.

It was about going your own way.

Defying authority and

following your heart.

Sticking it to the man and

as many women as possible.

Now that's- that is Romantic!

(Laughter)

And if the faculty don't

like me saying so, well,

they can take this job and

they can shove it. Because like

Mr. Bob Dylan, I ain't gonna

work on Maggie's Farm no more!

(Cheering)

(Richard) Dad hated authority...

and everyone loved him for it.

All I wanted was to

be just like him.

Forget the critics.

Let them have their opinions.

Let them publish their books

and brag about them at tedious

faculty parties, and let

university librarians

file those books away.

The faculty

has called this class:

'The Romantics

and Literary Theory'.

I want you all to forget the

second half of this sentence.

There's nothing theoretical

about the Romantics.

Where true love burns, desire

is love's pure passion.

It is the reflex

of our earthly frame

that takes its meaning

from the nobler parts,

and but translates the

language of the heart.

(Kate) Wakey, wakey,

Professor Haig.

Oh, sh*t...

it's Saturday, isn't it?

Now don't look like that.

Are you sure about this?

I mean, I make a terrible

first impression.

Will you relax, Richard?

My dad is gonna love you.

Really?

Yeah, you'll

have lots to talk about.

Yeah, corporate,

hard-nosed raider meets

libidinous Lit professor.

It's a match made in heaven.

I just want my dad to

meet the wonderful man

I've been dating for

the last six months.

Six months?

Broke your

record, didn't I?

- Done what?

- Easy.

Love is begun by time,

and time qualifies the

spark and fire of it all.

Relax. You're still

very sparky, darling.

Really sparky, I mean-

Well, my Liege, I must hie me

to Heathrow, thou to London.

Chimes of six o'clock sharp.

- Sure. Of course.

- Sharp.

Sharp. six o'clock. Chimes.

(Olivia) Sal, I've got to go.

Why? Because we've

been talking for so long,

I've lost track of

time, space and myself.

(Sal) Hello, Olivia?

(Doorman) Not to worry,

madam, I'll call maintenance.

We'll fish it out later.

(Sal) Are you there?

Can you hear me?

- Please don't.

- Hello?

Olivia?

(Cell phone vibrates)

Hoopla!

There you go.

Are they fishing your

phone out of the drain?

(Olivia) No, I told them not to.

I am cutting myself

off from the world.

Footloose and fancy-free.

Won't that be lonely?

An island all to yourself?

No.

Can I have a glass

of red wine, please?

(Bartender) Yes, madam.

No, I would populate the

island with all new people.

People that I actually like.

Yes, but then things change.

The people you thought you

like turn out to be as bad as

the people you left behind.

Soon you're moving to another

island and so it goes on,

ad infinitum.

You know my solution?

Get along with everyone.

Really.

Then why are you here alone in a

hotel bar on a Saturday night?

Well, I certainly

wouldn't keep you waiting.

Exactly. Because you

never know what kind of-

handsome stranger

I might start talking to?

I do desire we become

better strangers.

Pulling out

the Shakespeare.

Is that line successful

for you normally?

I have my moments with it.

You know?

Comme si, comme sa.

(Doorman) Excuse me, sir.

Ma'am.

Oh.

Thank you.

You're so kind.

There you go.

Back on the grid.

Why is it the most helpful

people are always around

when you do not want any help?

Yeah, well, give him a minute,

he'll be back with a shoemaker.

On the other hand, it is

nice to be looked after

every now and then.

- Mm-hm.

- The other day, I found myself

opening a door for a man.

What happened to chivalry?

You know why guys

open doors for women?

No.

So we can check out

your arses as you walk by.

You're just full of all these

amazing insights, aren't you?

I can tell within one

minute of meeting someone...

if I want to be with them.

How what about me?

Do you want to be with me?

Yes.

For one more minute.

Okay.

You've got a minute.

What are you gonna do with it?

(Kate) Olivia?

Oh, my god! Hi!

What are you doing here?

I- I was in Dublin in-

in the book festival,

and Dad called me and told

me that you were coming, that

he was meeting you here and that

I should come and surprise you.

Surprise! He flaked on us,

didn't he?

(Kate) Yes.

So how'd you two

make the connection? Hi.

You're

the famous Olivia?

My beautiful

sister, Olivia,

Olivia, my gorgeous

English man, Richard Haig.

- You look great.

- Thank you.

(Kate) So, me, my dad and my

mom are staying at this hotel

that we always stay at.

And my dad keeps running off,

saying he has like meetings

or appointments, whatever.

And finally my Mom gets fed up,

and she decides to tail him

one day to one

of his "meetings".

Ends up following him to

the other end of the beach,

where Livvy is

staying with her mom-

And all

hell breaks loose.

Our dad is

leading a double life.

Like raising two families

at the same time.

What a naughty boy.

(Kate) Right? Crazy.

Anyway, I take Kate to the

beach. I'm sitting there and I'm

trying to process everything,

you know? What my father did.

My poor Mom.

And the fact that I have

this little, lovely sister.

For me, I mean, I was stoked.

I always wanted a big sister.

And I decide the only

way we can protect each other

from this craziness is if

Kate and I make a pact.

No secrets.

Absolute honesty.

From this day forward, we would

tell each other everything.

Hm.

No matter what, always.

(Kate) And we have.

And we're like best friends.

So, Livvy,

how is your Allen?

What?

Ah.

Please, tell us about Allen.

He's great.

(Kate) Livvy's Allen is the

Allen Sloan, you know,

the romance writer?

- Really?

And Livvy edits his books

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