How to Make Love Like an Englishman Page #2

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and they're totally in love.

Madly and totally in

love with a romance writer?

That sounds fascinating.

Well, no more than the

Romantics professor's passion

for his students, surely.

- Oh-

- Livvy. Be nice.

Yes, Kate.

Would either of you like

a little taste of my steak?

(Kate) No, thanks.

It's very tender.

You're unbelievable, aren't you?

Sorry?

Of course, on the verge

of graduating, going home,

she's the perfect catch

for you, isn't she?

- Hey!

- I get it, I get it.

He's hot and funny and smart

and he's got the suave accent!

But all I see is a Lothario

with an eternally wandering eye

who simply charmed the

pants off you. Literally.

Livvy, what

are you doing?

Kate, I know, this feels

like love, but no, no, no, no.

This is not love,

this is a fling!

How do you know?

What are you even saying?

Obviously, you are looking

for for a father figure,

but in our case, it

means a self-centered,

cheating womanizer

whose not to be trusted!

And you're just so

young, you can't see it.

Really? How young were you when

you ran off with Anwar, huh?

We thought I was pregnant!

- Well, I am.

- What?

- What?

I- I wanted to tell

you earlier, but-

Pregnant, with a- with a baby?

Yeah. I wanted to

tell you another way,

but this is so weird,

I just-

No, this is the perfect way.

This is really the perfect way,

I think- yeah, that's-

that's great. Really great.

Well, that

was so hearftelt.

Livvy! Livvy, thank

you so much for supper.

Remind me never

to do this again.

I'm just gonna go

outside and get some fresh air.

- What do you mean?

- Excuse me. Air.

Yeah. Run.

- Richard!

- Yeah.

- Richard!

- Yeah! I'm here.

Look, I know I just dropped

a bomb on you back there.

So, right here, right now,

I'm giving you the out.

I just want

some air, that's all.

You just need

some time to think.

It's-

it's fine. I get it.

So, I'm moving to L.A.

Oh.

I got a really cool job

at a venture capital firm.

You're full

of surprises today.

You'll love L.A. It'll be

like Cambridge-ish, but with

a lot of palm trees and like,

chicks with tans and stuff.

Oh, honey, you're all clammy.

Really, I just need

some air, that's all really.

Okay.

Yeah, okay. I'll be back in

there, go ahead. You go.

- Richard?

- Yeah?

You're gonna be a great father.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Did you have a good

dinner then, sir?

(Vomits)

(Knock on door)

(Gordon) Oh, where the

buggering hell have you been?

I said 6:
00.

Sorry about that, Dad.

Didn't realize your grumbling

ran on such a tight schedule.

Bloody miserable

out there as usual.

Agh, agh, agh, don't touch that!

Oh, good god,

Dad, I'm not five-years-old.

(Joan) Hi, Richard, dear.

Hello, Joan.

How's everything?

Oh, just terrific.

Thanks for asking.

You still boffing

the Yank totty, are you?

Yes, she's

a great girl.

Bright, beautiful, ambitious.

You mean, a

horrible little upstart,

determined to 'go places'.

So tell me, when are you

going to start going places?

Oh, good god, please don't

start with this again, Dad!

(Gordon) I mean, come on, when

I was your age, I mean I'd been

the head of the department

for seven years!

Yeah, and it made

you so happy, didn't it, Dad?

All right, what's

the grievance today?

Split infinitive on the news?

Too many women with jobs?

It's his waterworks.

He's got to go back into

hospital next week.

Stop talking

about my cock, woman!

Tell me

something, Dad.

Why did you and Mum get married?

Now, what kind of an

inane question is that

for a Thursday evening?

For a man who revels

in reckless promiscuity,

your four marriages do

beg some questions.

Your mother

fed me regularly.

She pleasured me

half-decently now and then.

What more could a man want?

Oh, I don't know, friendship?

Someone to see the world

with, have a laugh with.

Maybe even start a family with.

Good god, man,

you've fallen for that

little slice of American pie.

Dad.

Now you listen to me,

this might be the most important

bit of advice that

I ever give you.

American women may be fun in

Victoria Secret when you

first met 'em. But as soon as

they get their claws into you,

they stop f***ing

and start eating.

And the only ass you're

gonna get is a fat one!

Why'd I open my mouth?

American women invariably

become spouters of self-help

attitudes, addicted to designer

labels, dieting and frozen

yogurt. Overall, thoroughly

nasty selfish, vain creatures.

That don't f***!

Thank you for

your fatherly advice.

Good night, Joan!

(Gordon) Bugger off, then!

See if I care!

Kate! Kate!

Screw Cambridge!

I'm in.

- Really?

- Really.

- Really?

- Yes.

Welcome to the world, Jakey.

It's a beautiful world.

Ooh.

Do you need the booby now?

Do you want the booby?

Yes, he's a boy

after my own heart.

Okay, family.

Here we go.

Here you are, Jakey.

Welcome home.

A modest 'little house'

your granddad bought your

mom out of guilt.

Don't fall in the pool.

(Kate) I won't.

You probably will

never meet anyway,

he has a very bad habit

of never showing up.

(Kate) Hey.

All right.

Oh, I'm gonna call Livvy.

Can you take the baby?

Sure.

- Okay.

Okay.

I know it's easier to read the

critics and the Cliff notes,

but forget about them.

Read the poems.

Put the time in.

After all, nothing

will come of nothing.

What was that from? Hm?

(Camera clicks)

Anyone?

Hey, there you go!

(Daryl) Yeah, I'm having

trouble getting on the WiFi.

What's the password again?

I think

they're all on Prozac.

(Angela) Did you hear

from the university yet?

Um, no, they

went with the other guy.

(Angela) I told you

to kiss ass more.

Angela, please.

Well, I'm sure something

will open up soon at ULA.

Yeah, well, one

can only hope, can't one?

In the meantime, I'm

glad that you're still

slumming it here with us.

You city college lot

don't pull any punches, do you?

We will go sixteen

rounds with anyone.

Bring it on.

(Loud car horn)

Arsehole.

(Jake) A**hole.

Never let me hear

you say that word, Jake.

The word is arsehole,

not a**hole.

Can you say arsehole?

- A**hole.

- Yes, elongate the 'A'.

There we go.

I'll get them.

I'll get them.

Oh, where-

Momma.

No, Momma's at work.

She'll be back later.

Momma.

No, that's Hummer.

Hummer.

Hah, well done.

Hummer.

(Kate) Pull over.

(Brian) What? I can't-

- Pull over! Pull over!

Listen to this voicemail.

(Richard) I thought he was

saying 'Momma', then I realized

he was pointing at one of those

absurdly oversized tanks

driven no doubt by

some idiot with an absurdly

undersized penis.

Jake-

(Brian) This is

not an oversized car.

(Kate) He knows.

(Phone rings)

Hey there, sexy.

Where are you?

- I'm in New York.

- Oh-

(Alan)

Honey, do I look chunky?

Didn't mean to call

you sexy. Wrong person.

No, I look good.

(Olivia) Hah-hah, very funny.

Is Kate there?

She's not back yet. Still

banking, busy counting things.

Well, tell her to call

me right, right away,

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