How to Make Love Like an Englishman Page #3

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because I have something

really big to tell her.

Well, no secrets

in the family, pray tell?

I can't believe that

I'm about to-

(Kate) Richard. I don't know

why this is so hard for me.

I've been trying to

tell you now for weeks.

Allen's asked me to marry him.

I'm in love

with somebody else.

You're what?

We're getting married!

Don't act so surprised

that somebody asked me.

Who- who is it?

Who are you talking to?

Answer the question!

Who is it?

I just did!

Who's on the phone?

Hello?

- Kate! Kate!

I have to call you back!

(Disconnects)

What? Hello?

I was just, I mean,

I was really young, okay?

Really young.

Not that you're not, of course.

But I really thought that I

loved you, but clearly I was

working through Daddy issues.

And then I got pregnant,

and you were just trying

to do the right thing.

And you've always been a really

good father, but let's face it,

you never really loved me.

But Brian does.

Brian? Brian? That

little idiot from the office?

He likes to talk to me

about start-ups and acquisitions

and exit strategies.

I mean, all the stuff that you

think is so boring about me.

It is boring! God!

Why do you have to be so

goddamn English! Talk to me!

You can leave me,

but I am not leaving that boy.

Brian, pff, little-

Richard, why can't

you just talk to me?

Now, I know two years

in the pool house makes me look

a little inert, but

I'll say two things.

First, your Mum and Brian hated

me being there, which was

the most wonderful incentive

to stay. And secondly...

I wanted to be close to you.

(Misty) Good mor-ning!

I think you're gonna

want to see this.

Oh, Misty.

Is the Big Bad

Professor awake yet?

(Jake) Dad, get up!

Breaker, breaker!

You got your ears on?

- Um- okay-

- Are you awake?

- It's Jakey, just-

Dad, get up.

Are you having a sleepover?

Hi, Jakey! Good morning!

Where are you?

Can I come and play?

Just a second, Jakey!

- Hey, Misty.

- Hi.

Would you mind just skedaddling

for now? It's my son.

Your son? I love kids!

I babysit!

Sorry about this.

The perils of parenthood.

- It's okay, it's okay.

- Come and see me

during the week.

- When?

- Make it a surprise.

Ooh! I love surprises.

Okay, I will.

Okay. Goodbye!

(slap)Whoo!

- Who's that?

- What? Oh, just a friend of

mine, a very busy lady.

She had to leave. There you go.

Aren't these

uncomfortable?

That's why girls love

it when you take them off.

Come on, let's

get some pancakes.

Dad, get on with it.

So, there we were.

And then, last week,

everything went pear-shaped.

(Misty) I have the

papers you asked for.

Will that be all, Professor?

For now. Yes, thanks.

Great.

(Angela) Excuse me.

Newest member of the

TA of the Month Club?

How dare you

insinuate such a thing.

You have a visitor.

Be nice.

Send her in.

(Piggott) Thank you.

Professor Piggott,

what a delight!

How's your

father these days?

Loving life, he is.

Happy as a clam.

It's good to hear.

Well, I received your

application for the

position at the University.

I was in the area, so

I thought I'd just pop by

and invite you to a

soiree I'm giving tomorrow.

Splendid.

The faculty will

be there, of course.

I thought it might be a good

idea for you to come by and

just sort of butter them up.

Not me, by the way.

I consider myself

lavishly buttered.

Oh, well,

that's good to know.

So we'll

see you there?

Wouldn't miss

it for the world.

(Allen) Dusks in Killarney just

sold its five millionth copy.

You are unbelievable!

(Allen) What?

Here I am splayed out

like an open-faced sandwich

so we can have a baby.

And all you care about-

(Nurse) Mr. Sloan?

(Allen) Oh?

(Nurse) Would you mind signing

a copy of your book for me?

Of course.

Did you like it?

Are you kidding?

It was great.

Really? Is that Desiree

with two 'E's or one 'E'?

Ow! What the hell was that for?

Oops, it slipped. Can I

have my phone back, please?

There you go. You can do it,

just concentrate.

Nice big swing.

That's it.

Dad, I suck.

No, you don't, you don't.

You look great, just-

(Brian) Oh, who's here!

Jakey, what up, dog?

Yo, give me some love.

Blow it up, blow.

(Jake) Goat busting!

(Brian) I got a fist thing!

Agh!

Not so loud. Now we just were

playing a little ball here.

Oh, right, right,

sorry, sorry, sorry.

Okay. So-

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Dude, you're a righty. You gotta

switch your hands around.

Come around there.

Go ahead.

Head up. Keep your eye

on the ball. Hit it to Dad!

Owwww!

- Sorry, Dad!

- It's okay! Agh!

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

I'm okay, son.

I'm all right.

It's just an

occupational hazard.

(Brian) Yeah, that

looks pretty bad.

Oh, this? It's okay.

- Hey!

- Hey.

- Did you remember Atlanta?

- Yeah. No. Atlanta?

Brian and I,

four days, conference,

we leave the day after tomorrow?

Good, sounds good,

I'll be there.

- Well, no, you'll be here.

- Well, I'll be here, but-

- Yeah. Here's Jakey's schedule.

- Great!

I left a copy in your room,

and another one on the fridge.

All right, that's good.

- So, um, yeah.

- All right, I'm on it.

- Okay.

- Jawohl, mein Fuhrer.

Okay.

Saul, I understand, but

I strongly believe that three

slates is enough, it's enough.

Come on.

(Loud moaning)

You!

Dr. Collins!

You miserable son of a b*tch!

(Knock on door)

(Richard) Yeah!

Jesus.

Come in.

Shouldn't you be at work?

Covering the Asian markets.

Oh, hey, by the way,

I can get you in on a pretty

sweet no-load. These guys

are killing it right now.

I can get you 15%, 18%,

you just say the word.

The word is no.

What is it you want? I'm busy.

This letter came for you,

it's about your green card.

Sorry, bro, I opened it before

I saw who it was addressed to.

Just read it, Brian. Thank you.

I mean, you've opened

it, just read it.

All right.

'This is your final warning.

If you and your spouse fail to

attend your interview next week,

deportation proceedings

will be initiated. '

Blimey, mate.

Looks like you could be in a

spot of bovver with the bobbies!

Keep working

on the accent, Brian.

Close the door on the way out.

- Cheer-ee-o!

- Shut up!

I love the dentist.

I'm not drooling am I?

(Assistant) Hello, Mr. Haig.

- Thank you.

You can't drink alcohol

when taking this medication.

- Really?

- Yes.

- No?

- No.

Absolutely not. Wouldn't dream

of it. Thank you so much.

- No alcohol.

- Good.

- We'll see you soon.

- Can't wait.

Look forward to it,

thank you so much.

- No alcohol.

- No alcohol.

- I mean it.

- I mean it, too.

Okay, let's go this way.

Anytime you feel like it, jump

in and lavish me with praise.

(Angela) Copy that.

- So glad you could make it.

- Oh, thank you.

- Here you are.

- Yes, oh, wonderful.

Please help

yourself to refreshments.

My wife made her

famous cheese balls.

Please be sure to try one and

compliment her accordingly.

Will do. Mm.

There are some very,

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