How to Make Love Like an Englishman Page #4

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very important people here.

I'd like you to meet them.

- Mm.

And they are your

kind of people, Richard.

Come this way.

My dear colleagues,

this is Richard Haig.

This is Professor Vale,

Professor Bates, Professor Berg,

Professor Ng and

Professor Jones.

Can we do that again?

I forgot your names already.

(Laughs)

(Jones) It is a damn shame we

didn't hire you, what was it,

three years ago?

Three years, two months and

17 days. But who's counting?

(Laughs)

(Vale) I met your father once.

- Oh, yeah?

He delivered a fascinating

lecture, a retort to Terry

Hirst's hermeneutical reading

of Milton'sParadise Lost.

Wish I'd been

there for that one?

Where are you from in England?

And are you a Rich or a Dick?

I'm a Richard.

(Vale) Took a

structuralist stance-

(Jones) You know, the missus

and I, we love it over there.

We go every summer.

- You do? Great.

(accent)Cheers again, mate-y!

(Laughs)

- Now, Richard, I wanted

to let you know that these

fervent minds here have taken

great care looking over your

application materials,

Never trust an Englishman

that doesn't drink, Richie Boy!

...on an epistemological level.

Academics,

yap, yap, yap, yap.

(Piggott) I do have one small

question for you, however.

This one is the

biggest yapper of them all.

- How are the romantics

relevant to today's students?

You want me to

answer this question now?

I'm sure we'd all enjoy

hearing just a taste of

one of your lectures.

A taste?

A mere amuse-bouche, is all.

Why not the whole meal?

Why don't you come down

and see me in action?

You know, I happen to

be free on Thursday.

Christ, what about that?

I see you've

already met my wife.

(Chuckles)

Just gonna go outside

for a moment here,

just jump in front of a bus.

(Angela) Where are you going?

You didn't even say goodbye.

That's true.

Bye!

I wonder if he

was flirting with me?

Oh, my god!

(Crash)

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, bollocks!

(Siren)

Sh*t.

Good evening, Officer.

Oh, boy, have I been drinking?

(Laughs)

Oops.

I drink every night.

(Laughs)

How about you.

Oohh!

Can't we all just get along?

Thanks.

Oh.

Thanks

again for bailing me out...

and for the silent treatment.

(Kate) Don't talk to me.

I still can't believe it.

- Can't believe what?

- I wasn't talking to you.

And I wasn't talking

to you, my darling,

little fornicating ex-wife.

- Shut up, Richard.

- Allen dumped me.

What a small world, my-

my wife did exactly the

same thing.

She used to adore me.

Where, oh where did the love go?

She turned 30 and wised up.

So, uh, what's going on?

Why are you here, Olivia?

(Kate) Thank you so

much for helping out.

It's the least I can do.

Helping- helping out?

Helping out with what?

I needed to know that Jake was

gonna be looked after, fed and

driven by a responsible person

with a valid driver's license.

Fine, why her?

Livvy offered to come at

a very difficult time for her,

to bail us out of the

mess that you put us in!

You know what?

I've had enough of this.

You know,

you say 'I' a lot.

Really?

Well, I know that Jake loves

having you around, but I'm

getting phone calls from

your immigration attorney!

Because you don't ever

bother to call him back!

I can't be in your

life any more!

I'm enabling your

degenerate behavior!

And what is the point

of all this right now?

Richard, if you want me

to pretend like we're happily

married, so you

can stay in this country,

you better get it together.

(Cell phone rings)

Yeah.

(Gordon) Gotcha.

I woke you up, didn't I?

Dad? Is that you?

You know, there are

no time zones in China.

Did you know that?

The whole bloody country

is on Peking time and

that's the way it should be.

We should all

be on Peking time.

- Don't be a daft prat.

The whole world should

be on London time.

Okay.

What do you want, Dad?

How's the little turd?

Don't call him that.

Come on, you're

far too bloody sensitive.

All right, great

to hear from you, Dad.

Why don't you go

badger Joan, okay?

She's not here.

Oh, sh*t! Okay,

I gotta go. Goodbye.

Richard Haig.

Thank you.

(Ernesto) So your interview's

Monday. It's the forth quarter

now, two minute warning,

you got no timeouts left.

What the

hell're you talking about?

If your ex-wife won't

show up to your interview, it's

gonna be Hail Mary time, baby.

Okay,

so, did you

get a full-time job?

I'm doing my best.

Have you recently joined

any terrorist organizations?

Applied all over.

Fingers crossed.

Have you ever been arrested?

Um... DU I.

When?

How many years ago?

Friday.

I mean, they can't kick me

out of the country for that,

can they?

Jakey's a U.S. citizen.

You see the people in

my waiting room? The kid,

born here. The parents, illegal.

They're deporting the parents!

Oh, yeah, it's Game seven...

win or go home time.

All right, look.

You join a recovery program now.

- What? Recovery?

- You do the ten

mandated sessions the court's

gonna give you for the DU I.

Ten? That's gonna take me weeks.

Hell week, baby,

two a days. You get your

ex-wife to your interview

and you get a great job.

You do all that and you

get the ring, baby. Okay?

Yes...

of course.

Usted puta!

(Door slams)

(Car starts)

Ay!

(Crash)

Oops!

Everything all right?

Yeah. Why?

Want to borrow my car?

Okay, if

you're not using it.

(Deep sigh)

(Car starts)

That's good!

That's good! That's good!

Oops!

It's okay.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

What?

Did Kate tell you about

the one-way system at pick-up?

Uh-huh.

No, I didn't think so.

It's okay.

All right, Toots, step on it!

Oh, boy.

Stop sign! Stop Sign!

Car! Car! (Car horn)

Agh, Jeez!

Where the hell did you

learn how to drive?

Mexico.

(Cell phone rings)

Can you please get that?

Where's my phone?

Where's my phone?

I'm waiting for a very-

- Sorry, it's down here.

Hello?

(Assistant) Olivia,

I have Tim Prince from Creative

Management Lit for you.

Okay.

Can't he dial

a phone by himself?

Ssh!

(Tim) Hey, babes!

Hi!

Yeah, oh, listen,

so sorry about Allen. Awful.

Thanks, Tim. Thank you.

I caught my ex-wife in

Downward Dog with my tantric

teacher coming out of her

Central Eye. Do you feel so-

Angry!

Who the

hell is this guy?

(Tim) Okay, listen, babes, if

anyone can go from editor to

author, it's you, and I mean

that. Now I got your sample

chapter. Give me a day or

two to look it over.

- Of course.

- I'll be gentle, I promise.

Who says

I like it gentle?

That's my girl. Okay,

gotta jump. Bye, babes.

Bye!

Fascinating exchange.

How can men move

on so quickly?

What?

Just like a switch

for you, isn't it?

You flip it off, then you turn

to the next one, you flip that

one on, and when you get tired

of that you just flip another.

Like a pilot in a cockpit,

flip, flip, flip, flip.

What the hell

are you talking about?

Wishful thinking, Richard.

I wish I was like that.

Eyes on the road!

'Do not enter'! (Car horn)

Wrong way! Wrong way!

Left, left, left!

- Oh, relax, relax.

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