How to Make Love Like an Englishman Page #5

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- I am, I am very relaxed.

- You're like an old lady!

- Oohh!

You men, you'd rather just

go out there and have sex,

than work things out.

Yeah. Guilty as charged.

But your hornyness is

nothing but a big mask

for you to hide behind.

And what's wrong

with a big mask? Huh?

- Let me ask you something.

- Yeah.

How can you teach the

Romantics, when you can't

even have a real feeling?

Is irritation a real feeling?

I mean, listen to you flirt

on the phone with some

guy who's calling you babes.

- Oh, please.

- Oohing and ahhing.

No, I like it gentle.

Good lord.

Anwar would think you

were having an orgasm.

I do not sound

like that when I-

Anyway, you should

hear some of the

stupid noises you

guys make when you're-

You can't even say the word,

can you? Come on.

What do we sound like?

For example,

you have the bear-

Ah-aa.

(Grunt)

- I can see your tonsils.

- Then you have

the sports commentators.

Oh, yeah?

(Rapid Spanish)

Goooooooal!

What kind of men

have you been with.

And then

there's the quiet one.

(Squirming)

You finished?

- No.

- Of course.

And then the worst one, the

worst one is the Tourette's one.

- What?

- You know, sh*t, f***!

I love you, f*** me!

Oh, motherf***er, b*tch!

I love you.

F*** me! F*** me! F*** me!

Hey, that's

sounded like you, Dad.

Ah.

I heard him once

on the Walkie Talkie.

(Chandler) Mr. Haig,

do you have a minute?

Of course, I do.

Come on, Toots, this way.

(Anita) This morning, Jake said

he had a question about the rules.

He asked if he was allowed to

use the Special Alphabet.

Oh, boy.

I didn't know what that was.

So we asked if he was

allowed to say the 'A' word.

Oh.

Then he asked,

Can I say bugger? Crap? Dummy?

And when he got to 'F', he said,

Am I allowed to say frick?

Because I know I'm not

allowed to say f***.

It was at that point,

that I sent him to

the principal's office.

Then what did

you say for 'G'?

Goddamn.

(Chandler) Mr. Haig, how is

Jake adjusting to your new...

living situation?

- No, no.

- No, no, this is not

what it looks like or what it

sounds like. No, no, no, no.

(Chandler) We don't need

to have an explanation.

- I think there's

been a misunderstanding.

I would never-

- You've said enough.

Oh, wonderful!

I'll walk to the curb.

Mind your hands!

What are

you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Um, I'm just gonna get

some delicious productos

Latinos. Hah-hah.

Hah-hah, yeah.

And maybe a manicure?

Or a bikini wax.

Bye! I'll see you later.

You take care.

- Whatever.

- Bye.

(Wendy) We have two

new members today.

We have Cindy and Richard.

So, Cindy, you want to-

(Cindy) Hi, I'm Cindy

and I'm an alcoholic.

(Applause)

Thank you, Cindy.

Uh, Richard?

Hi, I'm Richard,

and I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm English, a country with- a

few thousand years of history.

And part of that history is the

communal practice of having a

drink in the pub.

Now I know it's not your fault

a few sad, sorry, pilgrims

arrived here and infected

your country with a message of

Puritanical masochism. But it

is your fault you've all taken

it onboard quite so earnestly.

So you chaps go ahead.

Knock yourselves out!

But just know this, the first

thing I intend to do when

this hour is up, is hit

that bar across the street

and have a nice cold one.

(Chad) Good luck with that!

Thank you, Chad.

How are the Romantics

relevant to you?

(Male Student) Yeah, you know,

the only reason I'm taking

this class is so

I can get my GPA up,

so I can play baseball

at Arizona State, so-

How about you, Stacy,

how are the Romantics

relevant to you? Hm?

(Stacy) They're not.

(Snoring)

You have been such a

wonderful audience, I can't

wait to see you all next week,

when I shall be lecturing

naked wearing a sombrero.

It'll be so wonderful!

F*** me.

(Tim) Olivia!

Hey, babes!

There you are!

Oh, Tim, hi!

(Tim) How are you, beautiful?

Okay,

about this...

This rocks!

Really?

It is smart, it is funny.

Oh, I love Jenna.

Jane.

You might

wanna change that.

Sex sells, 'Jane' makes

me think of a nun in a wimple.

God, but you're so talented,

you're so beautiful, too,

and trust me, that helps, babes.

I'm gonna take you to the stars.

I am going to take

you to the stars.

All I ask is that these

shoulders be the ones you

stand upon. Watch the silk,

though, huh?

(Cell phone vibrates)

Hello?

(Ernesto) Richard, listen,

they've assigned

your case for investigation.

Really?

What does that mean?

You're under surveillance

by an undercover federal agent.

- Jesus, f***!

- Relax.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sh*t, he's here tonight.

He just flashed his badge.

Don't fumble the ball now!

All that matters is

that you exhibit good

moral character, okay?

(Wendy) Okay, everybody!

Grab a seat!

Okay, so, Chad, I believe

you wanted to start us off?

(Chad) I'm Chad, and

I am 13 days sober.

Yeah! Way to go,

Chad! Woo-hoo!

All right, so why don't

you tell us how that feels.

(Chad) Well, you know,

it started by not going-

Uh, Wendy?

Excuse me, Wendy?

Just a moment there, Sorry,

everyone, can I say something?

Sorry, Chad, I didn't mean

to interrupt your moment

of glory there.

Um, my name is Richard.

And I'd like to amend my earlier

comments about the drinking

habits of the English.

I mean, just because the entire

country hits the pub after work,

doesn't mean we can't all be

alcoholics. Because we are.

We are inebriates,

national disgrace.

Um, what else?

Oh, I'm married, very happily

so, oh, and I have a son, a

beautiful, little

son called Jakey.

Born here, in this country, a

country which I love and has

such meaning to my heart.

(Wendy) So, Richard, with all

of that to lose, why would you

get drunk and then get

behind the wheel of a car?

Yep. Well, there you have it.

I'm an alcoholic.

Oop, I'm Richard, alcoholic.

(Cell phone vibrates)

Sorry. Yeah.

Jakey-

Jakey, no, no, no, no.

No, Jakey, just tell

him, just tell him-

tell him just to calm down.

(Wendy) Okay, no

more cell phones.

(Crying)Hey, hey, I'm here,

I'm here, it's okay, it's-

I am so sorry.

It's all right, don't worry,

don't worry.

Ssh. I know, I know.

Come on, Jakey, calm down.

Calm down, just breathe.

There you go.

Breathe, breathe, okay, ssh.

Relax, use your words.

I had a bad dream.

Then I woke up, and Mommy

wasn't here, and you were gone!

Aw. I'm really sorry, okay?

Hey, you know what

we're gonna do?

We're gonna blow that

bad dream away. Okay?

(Blowing)

Here let me catch it.

And then-

Pooww!

Look how it's all gone.

Okay. Give us a hug.

All right.

Where's Teddy.

Oops. There he is.

All right, let's go to sleep.

Come on. Say good night.

Good night.

There you go,

my little warrior poet.

Go to sleep.

Dad, you and Mom are never

gonna live together, are you?

No.

I'm sorry, but if you're

ever upset about anything,

anything at all, you go talk

to your mom or talk to me.

Or Brian?

Only if I'm stuck down a

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