How to Make Love Like an Englishman Page #6

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mine and your mom's in a coma.

Oh, my

god, I'm so sorry.

I- I was completely useless.

It's okay.

I can't even take care

of my little sister's child.

How hard can that be?

Right?

Have you ever felt like

everybody else has gotten their

sh*t together, but you?

I mean, my little sister

has, even you have.

Huh. Well, I

wouldn't go that far.

Look, it's just a lot different

when it's your own kid.

Well, I wouldn't

know about that, either.

I made some soup.

Would you like some?

It's horrible.

Sure. I love horrible soup.

I know, it's horrible.

I can't even make a soup right.

Oh, boy.

You know, you're

a really good father.

Oh, yeah, sure I am.

Richard, I am giving you a

compliment. Just say thank you.

Thank you, Olivia.

I like it

when you say my name.

You know, it's funny,

most women adore me to begin

with, and then end up hating me.

You, on the other hand,

hated me right off the bat,

but now I think you despise me.

No, I despised

you at the beginning.

Now I just loathe you

a little sometimes.

Wow.

I packed your toothbrush,

your pajamas, and-

Hey, guys!

What's happening?

Where are you going?

My sleepover.

Oh, yeah, the sleepover.

Of course. All right,

well, give us a kiss.

Have a good night.

There you go, soldier.

Thank you so much.

Okay, good night.

(Friend's Mother) Let's go.

- Good night.

(Friend's Mother)

Enjoy your night out.

(Knock on door)

Hello?

(Tim) Oh, there he is.

What's up, Rich?

Hi, Richard.

Yeah,

great, well done.

Leaving now, yeah.

Sorry about that.

Yeah.

He's a little weird, huh?

(Car starts)Bye!

(Tim) Hey, I'll be

back for more, huh?

- Bye, babes.

Had to

leave early, did he?

Well, he did stay

until he got the job done.

That was good of him.

Yeah, he's gonna come

back tomorrow and bring a

friend, so we can

all do it together.

The more the merrier.

Oh, for Christ's sake,

we were working and then he

went surfing, you idiot. Now

where is that bottle of wine?

I could use a drink.

Come on up.

Here you go.

Apology accepted.

Oh, good.

To friends.

A bit old for

homework, aren't you?

Well, it's never too

late to perfect new ways of

boring one's students.

So, you must be very excited

to have Tim all over you...

so to speak...

about your book.

Well, tonight

he tore me to pieces.

Ooh.

It's hard to

be judged by others.

It's very difficult to stay

true to your own voice,

when everybody else wants

you to do something else.

Made me think of Allen.

All the notes I gave

him through the years.

It must have tortured him.

So it's not all bad then.

I'll be honest. I always

thought he was an arrogant,

little sh*t whose books

are vapid and hackneyed.

And all I could ever think

about when I skim-read them...

was you.

Me?

You.

Yes, and what

could've been worse:

being married to him or

editing his schmaltzy drivel?

They both sucked.

Do you know who he's screwing?

My gynecologist!

My gynecologist!

I mean,

I actually thought

that he was coming to our

appointments because he cared!

But no, he wanted

to see the doctor!

Maybe you're

better off without him.

Think about it, you're smart,

you're funny, you're beautiful.

Terrible driver,

but I'm sure you'll find

someone to overlook that.

You're just saying that.

Well, you are smart,

you are funny

and you are very,

very beautiful.

(Brian) What the

hell happened to my-

- Oh, sh*t!

- My nuts! Ow!

Oh, my god! No!

They said they weren't

coming back until tonight.

(Brian) It's a good thing

it's a military vehicle.

- Oh, my god!

- This is crazy.

Okay, I gotta go to the

house. Back to the house.

Buenos dias, Pedro!

(Pedro) Buenos dias, senora.

(Kate) Do you have

the keys, sweetie?

Oh, you know what? I think

I left my phone in the car.

Hi.

You're naked.

If you're wondering

where Jake is,

he's at a sleepover with Josh.

Why are you naked?

Ssh, Richard's

sleeping in his house.

I'm just gonna go and

swim a little bit more.

(Angela) Hey, how's

the lecture coming?

I've passed kidney

stones with greater ease.

Well, don't over think it,

just be honest, pithy, simple.

You know something?

I think you're the first

woman I've ever

really been friends with.

Well, that's a little sad,

Richard, but very touching.

What brought about the

sudden onset of sincerity?

I slept with someone and-

it actually meant something.

Well, that's great.

Who?

Olivia.

Are you kidding?

Richard, why don't you go down

to your green card appointment,

take out your samurai sword

and disembowel yourself?

What is wrong with you?

Are you trying to get deported?

I mean, Kate is gonna kill you!

Well, Kate's not

gonna know about it, is she?

I mean, I'm not gonna tell her,

and Olivia's not gonna tell her.

They are sisters, Richard!

Close sisters!

And close sisters talk.

I gotta get over there!

- You better move!

- I'm going!

Oh, god!

Oh, god! Oh, god!

Kate, hi, how's everything?

Good?

Olivia told

me everything.

Oh, she did?

I think it's awesome

that she's started writing.

And she said you were really

nice to her when I was away.

Oh, wonderful.

You know, I know I've been

kind of a b*tch to you lately.

Oh, that's okay.

And threatening not to come

to your green card meeting

was totally out of line.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, live and let live,

forgive and forget, all of that.

- We're cool?

- We are so cool.

Okay.

Do you want to

get me some lemonade?

- Good idea.

- Thanks.

Okay, great.

Oh, god, where is she?

You smoke?

(Whispers)I can't stop

thinking about last night.

Nor can I.

We have to tell her.

No, no, no.

This is not the time. Olivia!

The cigarette's gone to your

head. Get back in the bushes.

(Jake) Dad? There's a funny, old

man here that wants to see you.

- What?

Dad! What are you doing here?

Why in buggering hell have

you been ignoring my calls?

Well-

Oh... hello.

This must be the young totty.

Kate, my father.

Oh, my goodness, Mr. Haig!

It's so nice to meet you.

Wow! Oh, sorry,

I'm soaking wet.

I need a shower anyway.

Oh, and who is this other

vision of loveliness?

I'm Olivia.

I'm Kate's sister.

Sis- Blimey...

bookends.

(Kate) Well, come inside,

I'll make you up a room.

No, no, no, it's okay, Dad, come

with me. Come to the guesthouse.

- Are you sure?

- No, that's okay, Kate.

- I think I'd rather go-

Dad, come with me!

You're staying with me!

- Are you sure? -

I promise you, all is good.

- Nice to meet you.

- You, too, and-

(Richard)

Why exactly are you here?

I'm visiting you and

the little turd- fellow.

What's it bloody look like?

Well, I don't really know.

I mean, Jake, meet

your grandfather.

Yeah I'm your granddad. I've got

something for you that I brought

all the way from England.

Would you like to see it?

Now that is a model

of H.M.S. Defiance.

Wow.

God, Dad, you never

let me used to touch that.

- Well-

- Okay, I'll be right back.

Well, hey! Wait a minute,

where you going? You can't bear

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