How to Make Love Like an Englishman Page #7

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to be in the same room with

me for two minutes, is that it?

No, that's

not it, Dad, not at all.

Can I keep it?

Of course, you can

bloody keep it, it's yours.

But don't put it in the

bath, because it'll sink.

- Look what I found!

- Way cool!

Where shall we put it? Here?

- On the top.

- Yes, on the top.

Hello, my lovelies.

All I'm asking is, can you wait

until Monday morning at 11:00?

Why?

My green

card interview...

and then after that,

you can tell her

what you like, okay?

(Jake) Dad, I need to go pee.

Come on then.

Hey! Where the bloody

hell are you two going?

- Come on, hey, Jake!

- Gotta go for a pee, Dad.

Hey, Jake, whip

it out, come on!

Dad, you can't

pee off the pier.

Jake, who are you gonna

listen to? Your dad, who

for some buggering reason has

turned into a boring old fart?

Or your grandfather,

who's lived a rich and full

life and doesn't take

shite from anybody?

You.

Sorry, Dad.

- There you go. Come on up here,

there you go, up you go.

Wait. Come on, you, too!

If you're still my son, that is.

All right, on three.

One, two, three,

there that's it.

Well, somebody had their

vitamins this morning. Huh?

You know, there are

coconuts over there?

Great isn't it?

There you go.

Beautiful.

(Coughs)Oh, dear.

All right, all right, all right.

That's good stuff. I'll

put on some tunes, huh, guys?

Aw, look at this.

This is paradise, man.

You've ended up in paradise.

You know, they must be freezing

their bollocks off in England.

(Laughs)

Why are you really here?

Well, Joan

left me, silly cow.

Well, I'm sorry.

Truly.

Oh, well, well that

makes me feel so much better.

I mean, God almighty,

thank you for those

profound words of sympathy.

Well, it's a

lot more than you

ever said when Kate left me.

Well, I warned

you about her.

She was a rampant,

little Yankee trollop.

You know what, Dad?

Of course, Joan left you.

You're a misanthropic,

misogynistic arsehole who

doesn't give a f*** about

anybody, least of all the poor

saps who you got to marry

you in the first place.

Is that it?

Is that all you've got?

And you did it all in the name

of some misguided credo called

'fun', which you brainwashed

me with in the first place.

Guys, dig this song?

(Both) Bugger off!

That's it then,

is it, Boy Wonder?

So you finally got it

off your chest, have you?

You know what, Dad?

Why don't you just

bugger off for once.

For once.

Why don't you be

the one to bugger off.

Brian, go back to my wife.

Go on.

Just- just go back.

(Wendy) Thank you for

that wonderful sharing.

Seriously, this has been

absolutely a marvelous session.

I've learned so much.

Give yourselves a

big hand, everybody.

(Applause)

Wendy, I was wondering

if you could sign my form to

show that I've done

the ten sessions?

I'm sorry,

Richard, I can't.

Why? I mean, I came, I did

the whole 'I'm an alcoholic'.

But it's not about

just saying the words,

you have to actually mean them.

Ay-yay-yay.

Cindy, right?

I just spent the last week

listening to that drivel,

so some witless, little

ninny will sign a piece of

paper to say I'm an okay kind

of guy! Absolute bollocks.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Hey, you wanna get a drink?

Actually, maybe not, I've got

a grueling lecture in an hour.

How about a joint?

Just kidding. Bad joke.

I didn't want my son to find it.

I don't touch the

stuff, it's my dad's.

He likes to puff.

Okay.

(Cindy) Good luck

with your lecture.

Thank you.

I want you all to imagine

you're at Cambridge University.

The year is 1807.

You walk across the quad of

Trinity College into the lecture

hall where you find your

fellow classmate, Lord Byron.

Who in defiance of college

rules about dogs has brought

a bear to class instead.

You know what?

Forget about that.

Why are the Romantics

relevant today?

Hm?

Honestly, they're not.

Stacy got it right.

And Dwight, he can't stop

thinking about home runs and

fastballs when he reads

Byron and Coleridge.

Because-

we're teaching words.

Words, but we're not

teaching meaning.

I've got it all wrong.

I can tell you about

Byron and his bear,

Wordsworth falling

in love with his cousin.

Coleridge falling in

love with cocaine.

I can tell you what's

behind the words from them,

but I can't tell you what's

behind those words for you.

Because this

class is about you,

learning to

find your own meaning,

your own voices.

Go read the poems, but know

this, that at this moment,

you are the Romantics, you

are the relevant ones.

Let Byron, Coleridge,

Wordsworth inspire you

to do your thing,

to go your own way.

Stacy, quit texting.

Call him, right now.

Dwight, go play ball. Ignore

anyone who says no, you can't.

Follow your hearts,

do good things, be bold,

and above all else,

stick it to the man.

(Chuckles)

Well, Dad, I totally f***ed

up my audition in that job.

I stuck it to them, all right.

I stuck it to myself

in the process, too.

Hey, listen, you silly old sod,

you just bolted before I could

apologize. Why are you

so thin-skinned these days?

All right, call me back.

(Knock on door)

Four Thousand Dollars

should cover it.

What?

Your Mustang, Richard,

it's got sienna red paint

there all on the back fender.

Unmistakable.

1954 MG TFs do not

come cheap, my friend.

Absolutely not.

Can I give you a check?

I'd prefer cash.

I want to be the first to

congratulate you. Welcome to

the English department of the

University of Los Angeles.

Yes!

Oh, good!

Thank you, boss.

Might as well do the

other side as well.

Let's go have a pint.

A pint of what? Oil?

Hardy-har, I'll always

laugh at your jokes.

Hey! I got the job!

ULA! Knock it out of

the ballpark. Home run.

Congratulations!

I feel fantastic!

And I feel fantastic about you.

Now what we did, making love-

no, listen, please, hear me out.

Kate and I have been

separated for two years!

Why should we feel bad?

We're grown-ups!

And if Kate doesn't like it,

she can bloody well just go-

hey, you! Ah, Brian,

okay, okay, in the vault.

Ah, Kate.

Olivia-

my best friend-

total trust-

No secrets!

We- we we're gonna-

You know what?

If you want him, take him,

but get out of my house!

Well, now, maybe- okay.

Thank you.

Ernesto, sorry I'm late.

Where's your wife?

Not coming.

She sends her regards.

Okay, strike one,

she's not here.

Strike two, you failed

the recovery program.

We may be 0 and 2, but we're

gonna swing for the fences on

the University of Los Angeles.

Morning, Officer Lewis.

(Officer Lewis) Why has it taken

nearly three years to

schedule this interview?

Well, my client never

received all of the

notifications from ICE.

Is this your

handwriting, Mr. Haig?

Some of it is,

some of it's also my son's...

working on his cursive.

Can you explain this?

Yes, well,

that's not my fault.

Pain killers, dental surgery.

My client's done ten

sessions of a recovery program

to show his good character.

(Lewis) Where's the

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