How to Make Love Like an Englishman Page #8

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letter of completion?

In the mail with

bue-locks written on it?

It's

bullocks, actually.

Officer Armstrong?

Please describe how Mr. Haig

tried to offer you marijuana.

(Cindy) The other night, as I

was leaving the recovery center,

Mr. Haig asked me if I

wanted some marijuana.

- Oh, pfft.

- Under California law,

distribution of

marijuana is a felony.

That's true.

What is it you say,

Mr. Haig? Cheerios?

(Richard) There you have it,

the whole sorry saga.

Ernesto did do one thing to

justify his exorbitant fee.

He got me this

one hour with you.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Jake.

(Officer) Time's up.

Jake, please,

I really am so sorry.

I love you, do you hear me?

I am so sorry.

That is no country for old men.

The young in one another's

arms, birds in the trees.

Those dying generations

at their song.

So what's Yeats saying here?

He's a 60-year-old man looking

at young people, screwing and

living, blissfully unthinking

about their own mortality.

Yeats knows he's

just an aged man,

but his dreams are of Byzantium.

(Cell phone vibrates)

Hello?

(Hospital worker)

This is Memorial General,

we need to talk to you

about your father.

What the buggering hell

are you doing here?

You hate hospitals.

(Gordon) I do, I hate

bloody hospitals.

But I love the nurses.

(Chuckles)

How's my little Jake?

He's all right, Dad.

You know I-

I don't think I could

have done what you did.

You stuck with that boy through

all the muck and bullocks.

You're a better

man than I, Gunga Din.

I don't know

about that, Dad.

Are you still shagging the

Yank totty's sister, are we?

No, I blew that one.

Threw away a

pearl beyond price.

And totty, and totty's sister,

none of us are talking.

It's all a big mess.

Marvelous bloody place, they're

livin', eh? California eh?

Mm-hm.

Sunshine, beaches and girls.

(Chuckles)

Marijuana.

God, how the buggerin hell did

I miss out on that for so long?

You came.

You saw it once.

It all goes so fast.

These buggers here, they

don't think I've got long.

Well, it's all a

load of bullocks, really.

What is?

You know, there's nothing

honorable in misery, Richard.

Carpe diem!

Boff and be merry!

Now listen...

you listen to me carefully.

This might be the most-

(Both) important bit of

advice I'll ever give you.

For God's sake, man,

go and get your bloody girl.

Go on.

Bugger off.

Hey, Richard...

You remember my epitaph.

Of course I do, Dad.

Of course I do.

(Thunder and rain)

Byzantium is the

place he longs for.

He needs to make this journey.

I'm gonna sort this

all out, I promise you.

Okay, Jake?

- How?

I'll Skype you tomorrow, okay?

Is she talking to Olivia yet?

Olivia's book launch

is here next week and Kate

isn't even going. She's

icing everyone out, even me.

All right,

see you, Brian.

(Richard) Yeats knows that

unless he makes this journey,

unless he defies

logic and authority,

unless his soul claps

hands and sings out loud...

He is nothing more than a

tattered coat upon a stick.

(Laughs)

You old bugger.

There is a country for old men.

(Connect tone)

Ernesto? Richard Haig.

Como esta?

Adios!

(Jake) Hey, Dad.

Hi, Jakey.

Go to the door and

tell me what you see.

Okay.

Oh, look at you, boy.

Oh! Look at you.

Richie!

Thank god you're here, dude!

Oh, thank god. Thank god.

You can let go now,

Brian. That's okay.

(Jake) Can you believe it,

Mom? He's really here.

- Hi, Kate.

- Hey. How did you get here.

Uh, I just came

across the border.

It's an old trick of mine.

What if you get caught?

I won't, I'll be

gone before they know it.

Hey, remember my

lawyer, Ernesto?

He's gonna sort this

whole mess out, okay?

Yay!

Don't you worry. Probably

gonna cost me a fortune.

And look, Kate, we can't

keep going like this.

Jakey needs his mom and

dad to be adults, right?

Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry we hurt you.

Olivia wanted to tell you and

it was my fault she didn't.

But you're sisters, come on.

Cut her some slack.

Life is so short, Kate.

Like my dad used

to say, carpe diem.

Let's boff and be merry.

Ay?

- Okay.

Great.

Great.

And one last thing...

can I take a shower?

Please?

(Brian) He really stinks.

(Clinking glasses)

Thank you

everybody for coming.

I would like to thank

my agent Tim Prince.

I would also like to thank

my ex-brother-in-law Richard,

he was the inspiration for the

burnt-out recovering alcoholic

cop who saves the day.

(Laughter)

Although he doesn't know

it, so let's not tell him.

And lastly, I would like to

thank somebody very special to

me who couldn't be here today.

Which is nobody's

fault but mine.

(Kate) Hey.

I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

- I'm sorry, too.

Let's never fight again, okay?

Come here.

Let's go back inside.

Just give me a

minute, all right.

Okay.

(Richard) Hi.

You came!

Piece of cake.

I came because I love you.

I came because I need you.

I need my son.

I need my family.

That's why I came.

You want to

hear something crazy.

What?

I knew you'd come.

It's irrational.

It's romantic.

You and I, we've only

had moments, now we have time.

I spent my whole life in

opposition to this man.

Honestly, he never did

a bloody thing for me.

Except this.

Asking me to scatter

his ashes here.

And it saved my life...

because it brought

me back to the people I

love most in this world.

Even you, Brian.

You're the man, Richard.

Well, there comes a time,

and there's always a time,

and I guess this is the time.

So, Jakey, shall we

set Grandpa free?

Okay, Dad...

enjoy paradise!

(Jake) So, how long

are you staying?

Okay, Jakey,

listen to me here.

I have to sort out

a few things first,

but maybe marrying

your aunt might help.

What?

Well, I

am down on one knee.

Then get up

and kiss me again.

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