How to Marry a Millionaire Page #8

Oh, I went back

to Maine.

What do you mean,

you went back to Maine?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I got married up there.

Not to that Shriner.

- Oh, no, he was already married.

- That's what I thought.

Who'd you marry?

Well, he's not anybody

in particular.

Just a fella

I met up there.

But I'm absolutely

crazy about him.

How do you like that?

Both of us at the same time.

What does he do?

- He's a ranger.

- Cattle, you mean?

No, he's a forest ranger.

Well, that's not bad. If you get enough

trees, they're really worth something.

- How'd you meet him?

- don't mean he owns them,

he just watches them.

You mean,

just looks at them?

He's got a house on top of a mountain.

They keep a lookout for fires

so all those trees

don't burn down.

How can he make any dough

out of that?

He doesn't, much.

You mean

he's a kind of fireman?

That's it.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Hanley?

- You have the license, I suppose.

- Yes, right here.

Wouldn't you

like to meet him?

Oh, sure.

Is he here?

I'll get him.

Hiya, Schatze.

Well, I'll be

a monkey's uncle.

Congratulations, honey. We read about it

on the plane. I think it's just creamy.

You know how much

he's got?

- How much?

- Fifty mil.

- Brother!

- Give or take a mil.

Have you been

shopping yet?

When they open the doors,

I fall in.

- What a break!

- Where have you been?

- Kansas City.

- For what?

That's where Freddie and I

got married.

- You mean you married that crowbar?

- Well, yes.

Honest to goodness, Pola,

you need a governess.

I could have pegged that guy as a phony

when I was eight years old.

Oh, not Stewart.

I married Freddie.

Freddie? Who he?

Well, it's a little mixed up. You see,

I got on his plane to Kansas City.

I thought you were going

to Atlantic City.

I was, but the first stop

for this plane was Kansas City.

Never mind. I don't want to

hear any more about it.

Just tell me one thing...

is he holding or not?

Well, yes and no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Not you too.

I mean, he'd be holding

if he could get his hands on it.

- Say that again.

- Well, he's on the lam.

- A thief?

- No, no, he's not a thief.

As a matter of fact,

he owns this apartment.

But he gave this guy a check

for his income tax...

Then, what's

he on the lam for?

Then, he went up to break this

guy's neck, but his glasses fell off.

- Whose glasses?

- Freddie's.

And the guy nearly

broke his neck.

You mean, he's blind too?

Blinder than me.

Here he is.

This is Schatze, darling.

Oh, congratulations,

Mrs. Page.

Thank you. Congratulations to you too.

She's okay.

- think so.

- And this is Pola.

- Glad to meet you.

- Holy Toledo!

- sn't he cute?

- Just a minute.

Two more pounds

and she could be arrested for bigamy.

Pardon me, Mrs. Page. Mr. Hanley would

like to know if there's a maid of honor.

- f he can find one.

- Can I be it?

Matron, I believe, is about

the best you can hope for.

- Shall I tell him?

- Take him.

- Come on, before Pola gets here.

- Bye.

Bye.

It's just Schatze.

Come on.

- Here he is.

- Hi, Mrs. Page.

- s that going to be permanent?

- No, it's just a brace.

He takes it off

at night.

Don't you worry.

I'm going to get even with him yet.

I just have to lay

a little low for a while.

We're going underground

right after the ceremony.

- You don't mind?

- Love it

Well, congratulations

to you too.

I think we'd better get started. Some

of the kids are beginning to foam over.

Okay, tell them to blow the whistle.

You're still sure?

Of course.

"Dearly beloved,

we are gathered together here..."

- Please.

- What's the matter, dear?

My ankle.

Can you take me back?

Why, yes. Of course.

You're just too nice a guy

to get married to someone

that doesn't love you all out.

Was that what it was?

What else?

I can think of

a number of reasons

why you should never have

considered me in the first place.

Have I hurt you

very bad?

You have.

But I'll recover.

You sound as though

as you already have.

No. No, that's just one of

the few advantages of age

Disappointments become

a normal part of life.

But what do you think

I should tell the guests?

Oh, just tell them Mrs. Page

has blown her stack at last.

No one will give you

an argument on it.

Wouldn't you like to talk it over

first with Loke and Pola?

- Those bubbleheads.

- Why do you say that?

Did you see what those

two goofballs turned up with?

Yeah, I saw

Loke's forest ranger.

A fireman for trees.

Seemed like

a very nice boy.

- Did you see what Pola brought back?

- No.

- A fugitive from justice.

- No.

And a blind one at that.

Young man?

As far as I could tell,

in back of that Halloween getup.

Well, they love them,

don't they?

Drooling,

all four of them.

And who is

your young man?

- What young man?

- The one you're in love with.

Who said I was in love

with a young man?

I did.

Well,

it's a sin and a shame,

but I guess I've got to admit it.

I am.

- Who is he?

- What does that matter?

Well, I don't think it's unnatural

that I should have some curiosity.

He's nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

A character straight

from Characterville.

- s that his name?

- Brookman.

- Brookman what?

- Tom Brookman.

You say he's non-holding?

One more hamburger

would break him.

What does he do?

He won't say, but that's nothing to me.

I already know.

- What?

- He's a gas pump jockey.

How do you know?

How do I know

how I know?

There's something about those guys

that I can spot every time I see them.

I married one once,

remember?

Does he

really love you?

To hear him tell it,

he does.

Well, what's to stop you

from marrying him?

Nothing now, but it's scarcely

what you'd call progress.

- He's here now, you know.

- Where?

- Out there.

- How do you know?

Well, there's a character out there

who looks like a gas pump jockey to me.

- Has he got on a tie?

- No, no tie.

And at a formal ceremony.

You see what I mean?

Well, you can certainly

say that again.

And after I told him

I never wanted to see him again, ever.

Who does he think he is, anyway?

Crashing my wedding.

Well, suppose I ask him?

Now just a minute, J.D.

Hiya, Tom.

Okay, I guess.

Congratulations.

- Congratulations to you.

- Don't be funny.

- Still the character, huh?

- Well, why not?

All she talks about is dough,

dough, dough. Nothing but dough.

So, if that's all she wants, you can

have her. I don't want any part of her.

That's the way she talks, of course,

but that's not the way she feels.

I'll bet.

What happened?

It was a delayed decision

in your favor.

- Are you kidding?

- Not in the least.

- Did you tell her about me?

- Of course not.

So far as she knows,

you're still hustling a gas pump.

I don't believe this.

- All right. Let's go ask her.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, J.D.

You think I ought to tell her now?

Are you crazy?

She obviously likes gas pump jockeys

better than millionaires.

What do you want to do,

disillusion the girl?

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