How to Murder Your Wife Page #2

to Mr Rawlins my heartiest congratulations?

Of course. You needn't wait up.

You know how these things are.

I do, sir.

I do, indeed.

Good evening, Judge Blackstone.

This is a somewhat mournful occasion.

Not at all, my boy. Not at all.

Been married 38 years myself

and I don't regret one day of it.

The one day of it I don't regret was uh...

August 2, 1936.

She was off visiting

her ailing mother at the time.

Gentlemen, your attention, please!

Miss Valerie James...

A wonderful, wonderful girl, by the way.

- Hear! Hear!

- Thank you.

Miss Valerie James

has decided not to marry me after all!

She gave me back the ring.

# Happy days are here again

# The skies above are clear again

# Let us sing a song of cheer again

# Happy days are here again-ain

# Altogether shout it now

# There's no-one who can doubt it now

# So let's tell the world about it now

# Happy days are here again

# Your cares and troubles are gone

# There'll be no more from now on

# Happy days are here again

# The skies above are clear again

# Let us sing a song of cheer again

# Happy days are here again #

Your Honour...

You better...

You better sit down, Your Honour.

You're smashed!

Smashed? Nonsense, my boy.

I'm as sober as a judge.

Hence the origin of the phrase.

No, no, no, don't do it, sir!

Don't do it!

Good morning, Charles.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Lady in the bedroom.

Oh.

I, uh... don't know

exactly how to break this to you.

Uh...

I met her last night.

She came out of a cake.

I, uh...

seem to be married to her.

Ch-Charles!

- Oh.

- Oh.

You're awake. Well, that's fine.

Good, good, good, good, good.

Look... Before anything happens...

Before anything else happens,

we have to have a little talk. No...

No, a serious talk.

Look, very, very serious... talk.

Now, um... first of all,

I would like to apologise for last night.

Quite obviously, a mistake has been made.

On my part!

It's nothing that can't be rectified.

It can be rectified if we keep our heads.

Uh...

Let's, uh...

begin by very calmly

discussing the facts, huh?

Last night

at old Tobey's bachelor dinner, you...

came out of a cake.

That's natural. Young ladies

often come out of cakes at bachelor dinners.

So far, so good.

You and I were attracted to each other.

That's also natural. We happen to be

two extremely attractive people.

At any rate,

I followed you to your dressing room,

and, on some insane impulse,

I asked you to marry me...

while I was intoxicated, quite obviously.

And, apparently, you accepted.

I remember we went back to the dining room

to announce our betrothal,

which was greeted with enthusiasm

by my friends. Friends? Huh!

So, the mayor wakes up the licence clerk

and waives the blood tests

and, before I knew what hit me, there's

Judge Blackstone, two guys holding him up...

"Now pronouncing you man and wife."

Anyway, that's where things stand, my dear,

at the moment.

As I say, it's nothing

that can't be rectified quite simply.

And you'll get a handsome settlement.

I happen to be very well off.

Si weeks in Las Vegas. Ooh, boy.

All there is to it.

My God, you're Italian.

Vous ne parlez... You don't sp...

No speaka da English?

No.

- Italian?

- Yes!

Oh, my God. Excuse me, I'll be right back.

You, uh... get-um dressed.

Me go talk-um butler.

Oh, oh, Stanley?

Vieni qui.

Sure.

Charles?!

Charles?! Charles?

Charles.

You can't do this!

Sorry, but I do not work

for married couples.

You knew that before you entered

into this curious alliance.

Now, Charles... Now, please, Charles...

Will you look at me?!

Good God, sir, how did it happen?

It wasn't my fault. I swear!

You've got to believe me.

Of course, I believe you, sir.

- Poor sir.

- Oh, poor Charles.

Good heavens. What is to become of us now?

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

"If you can keep your head

"when all around are losing theirs

and blaming it on you..."

In fact, you're right, Charles.

We have nothing to worry about at all.

I've already explained

the situation to the young lady.

I've told her "I expect you to be on an

airplane to Las Vegas this afternoon."

Well, that's absolutely marvellous, sir!

But what was the young lady's reaction?

A little difficult to say.

She doesn't seem to... speak English.

Charles?

Charles?

Charles?!

Good God!

Doesn't speak English?

Yet, on the other hand,

if one will go around

marrying persons

who pop out of cakes,

it's bound to be, well,

rather catch as catch can, isn't it, sir?

Charles?

Surely you can realise

how ridiculous this whole thing is.

I'll call Harold Lampson, run down, see him

and it'll all be straightened out.

Charles, I promise you by three o'clock

afternoon, she'll be on a plane to Vegas.

Yeah, hi! How are you?

- Really, sir?

- Really.

Now, just go back to your room,

your beautiful room where you've been

so happy with your books and music.

- Hmm?

- Well, uh...

Unpack, Charles.

Nothing has changed. I promise you.

Dinner at the usual time, Charles?

For one?

Please, Charles.

Ah, avanti, avanti!

Oh, there you are, you're all dressed. Good.

You... you, uh... wait outside

while I get dressed, huh, you know?

And then you, me, we, uh...

go talk-um lawyer.

Uh, cinq minutes.

All right?

Oh. Harold, I'm in trouble.

Deep... I don't think it's

anything you can't handle.

I'm in terrible, terrible trouble.

Worse than that, Harold. I'm...

I'm...

married.

- 'Married?!'

- That's right, I'm married.

'Married?!'

All OK.

- OK!

- No!

Not now. There's lots to do.

Lawyer's office. Gotta go there.

Come on. Work out a separation.

Get you a lawyer in Las Vegas.

Hotel reservations...

Oh, good morning, Mr Ford!

Oh, congratulations.

Congratulations!

And buongiorno, Mrs Ford. Mrs Lampson's

on her way up from the country.

Mr Lampson, they're here!

Well, well, I wanna see the little lady

that finally nailed old Stan.

You don't mind if I kiss the bride,

do you?

- No.

- Congratulations, MRS Ford.

- Congratulations.

- Oh, grazie, grazie, grazie tanto.

My God, you're right. She is Italian.

You mean that she doesn't speak

A-N-Y E-N-G-L-l-S-H?

Not one word.

Not a word?

You lucky devil.

Harold, will you please?

We've got one million things to do.

- Get her an airplane!

- You've got to make out a new will.

- Get her a lawyer in Vegas.

- Got to get your physical.

- My what?

- Your physical.

I'm gonna have Doctor...

come and check you out right here.

- Only take a moment.

- What are you talking about?!

I am talking to you about insurance.

Insurance, Stan. You are...

That'll be enough, thank you.

You may go now.

You're a married man now,

with responsibilities. Now...

- What if you were to get hit by a truck?

- Not gonna get hit by a truck!

The point is this...

No matter what happens to you,

you are going to want to know

that Mrs Ford...

Mrs Ford...

I love the way that sounds, believe me,

is being cared for.

All I want to know is that Mrs Ford is

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