How to Murder Your Wife Page #3

on an airplane to Las Vegas this afternoon!

Oh, Stanley, caro, caro, no.

Oh, please. Will you please?

An affectionate little thing

you've got there, lad.

- Look at them. Aren't they adorable?

- Never thought I'd live to see the day.

Edna, my love, this is Stan's wife.

Oh.

Italian. Doesn't speak a W-O-R-D of English.

Oh, Mrs Ford, this MY wife.

But she speak mucho good Italian,

go Berlitz, take lessons.

Learn Italian. $300 worth.

$300 is many, many lira.

Yeah, shut up, Harold.

You sound like a feeble-minded Indian.

- Congratulazioni, mia cara.

- Oh.

Harold, it's very simple. I want

an annulment. I do not like being married.

How do you know if you haven't tried it?

I've tried it!

If you've tried it,

then it's too late to get an annulment.

Your wife has a cute sense of humour.

You know what she said?

She said that she met you

when she came out of a cake.

That's right. She did.

- Sue her for divorce!

- How?

- Well, reason with her!

- How?

You do sound like a feeble-minded Indian.

Ask her what she was doing

coming out of that cake in the first place.

Oh, s, um...

What she say?

What she... what she say?

She said that... that was the only job she

could get because her clothes were stolen.

Oh, the good doctor.

- Harold...

- Stan, you know Dr Bentley.

He's here to give you your physical.

Let me get this straight. Who stole

her clothes? Who stole le clothes?

- What she say? - All her clothes were

stolen by Miss Lapland, whoever she may be.

All right, Stanley,

if you'll just slip off your jacket.

Who is? Ask her who is...

40 times oughta do it for someone your age.

What is your age?

How old do you have to be to get a divorce?!

Tell this lunatic I don't want insurance,

but a divorce.

- Divorce?! Divorce?

- Yes.

Ah, no, no. Italia, no divorce, no.

What did she say?

Can you please find out? Now, come on,

ask her where did all of this happen?

Where... Dov'e, dov'e?

Aha! Miss Galay concorso. Galay.

- What did she say?

- Miss Galay contest.

- I think that's what she said.

- Miss Galay contest?

S, s, look! Look.

- Oh.

- Hmm?

What did she say? Hmm?

Uh...

Ah.

Uh, well, uh... Wow.

Uh, she said she would've won

the contest except for one thing -

that was the talent part.

And her talent was cooking.

She made a, um...

- Lasagne souffl. Delizioso.

- Lasagne souffl.

My God, I've gotta go back to Berlitz.

When she bent down

to take the souffl out of the oven,

all the men in the audience

started jumping -

you know, varoom, varoom, varoom! -

and yelling and screaming

and, whoof, down went the souffl.

Oh, brava, bravissima.

Harold, I'll ask you a few questions now.

- You had the regular children's diseases?

- No, and I haven't been hit by a truck.

How about measles, mumps, chicken pox?

Huh? Yes.

Roll up your sleeve, please.

Why can't you get me a divorce? Other

clients get divorces from their lawyers.

Other clients give their attorneys

grounds to work on to get the divorce.

Now, think about that a little bit.

Ever have dizziness,

fainting spells, headaches, asthma?

No.

What grounds?

Well, grounds like, uh...

adultery, mental cruelty,

desertion, insanity.

How much do you drink?

Not at all? An occasional social cocktail?

Heavily? To excess?

Just once.

You're gonna need one now, boy.

Oh, you're gonna...

Melancholia? Backaches?

Liver, kidney, intestinal ailments?

Crying spells?

Poor creature.

Stanley, you know what she told me?

All she has left is what she's wearing.

Vieni, cara.

Oh.

Stanley, I'm gonna borrow your wife

for a few hours

and we're going to buy her everything,

from lingerie to a mink coat.

I can't get a reading.

Oh!

She's so darling.

You know what she said? She says she has

a coat AND she doesn't wear underwear.

Vieni, cara. Come with me.

I'll take care of everything.

Vieni, vieni. Vieni! Vieni!

You're a member of the club now, lad.

A full-fledged member.

- Yes?

- 'Delivery.'

Is this the Ford residence?

Yes, but who are you

and what do you want?

Mrs Ford told me

to put this stuff in the kitchen.

Yes?

- 'Delivery.'

- De...?

I beg your pardon,

is this the Ford residence?

Yes, but, uh...

Wh-wh-wh-what?

Mrs Ford suggested we place these things

directly in her bedroom.

There must be some, uh... mistake.

Yes?!

'Sono la signora Ford.'

Buonasera.

One at a time! What the hell is going on?

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid

this new arrangement isn't going to work.

- Yes, well, you see, I...

- Sir, Mr Ford, this woman is mad.

Stark raving mad!

- She is not only preparing

a lasagne souffl... - A what?

Lasagne souffl.

But look at the spaghetti sauce!

Green onions

browning in at least a pound of butter!

And eggplant swimming in oil!

Smells good, though, doesn't it?

Sir, I am...

I am not given to issuing ultimata,

but it's really most simple.

You must take your choice.

Either she goes or I go!

If you won't be so arbitrary...

It's the kid's first day.

It's all right, sir. Say no more.

I quite understand, sir!

I thought it might come to this.

I took the precaution of repacking my bags.

Oh, no, wait. Look, Charles will you stop...

Where would you go? What would you do?

Well, actually, sir,

Mr Rawlins phoned this afternoon.

- What? Old Tobey?

- Yes, sir.

As he has decided not to marry

and you have decided the reverse,

it was his feeling that perhaps

I might feel happier working for him.

- And I could not agree with him more, sir!

- Charles...

- Oh, Charlie is... Charlie is goodbye, no?

- What?

Charles is goodbye, no?

- He's goodbye, yes! If I...

- No, no, no.

Mamma. Mamma mia.

Your mother is coming...

- Yes! Yes!

- Oh, my God.

No! No cocktail!

Edna teach me say "no cocktail". Mmm?

Charles...

Uh, Charles...

Cha... Charles?!

Now, Charles...

I'll get rid of her, I promise you.

Look, Charles,

you won't like working for Tobey. He drinks!

Dames there all the time.

Charles, he's a lumpy!

He leaves wet towels

lying all around the bathroom.

Arrivederci.

Look! Uh-huh?

Oh!

Oh, ma...

Uh!

Well, look...

Look, there's no sense getting hysterical.

Are you all right in there?

Hey! Are you... are you?

Ah!

Oh, God.

Look, please, will you...

Hello?! Will you please?

If there's one thing I cannot stand,

it is a woman crying.

I just go all...

Oh...

Would you please-a?

You wanna Kleenex-a? Or?

Oh! Oh!

What? Oh...

Ah. Oh.

Thank you.

Oh, no, please...

Look, I'm... I'm sorry.

Please, look, I'm sorry.

I...

Sorry.

Stanley, darling.

Rigatoni, pollo, vino rosso.

- Hmm?

- Uh...

Lunch.

Mangi tutto.

Stanley? Stanley? Again I am forget.

The ones with the white hats,

are they the good guys or the bad guys?

White hats - good guys.

Black hats - bad guys, OK?

Oh, OK. Thank you very much.

Well, what's the matter with you, boy?

You look just awful.

I'm exhausted. That's what's the matter.

I haven't slept in three weeks.

Newlyweds.

It isn't that at all.

Not entirely that. It's that

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