How to Murder Your Wife Page #4

damn television. She has it going all night.

Oh, I'll bet.

Well, she does!

Claims it helps with her English.

Later.

Oh, brother!

Oh, damn.

Oh, damn.

I'm a delicate and highly complex mechanism

and I'm being overwound.

Just overwound!

Oh.

Oh, oh, poor darling.

Work, work, pressure, pressure,

the tension mounts

and before you know it, it strikes.

What?

Oh, they talk always about this on TV.

- Oh.

- Oh...

Oh, oh, darling, I have a three-way formula.

- What?

- How they say?

Faster, faster, faster.

Oh, relief.

- Oh.

- Good morning, Signora Ford.

- Oh, ciao. Ciao, Mario.

- Ciao.

Oh, good morning.

- Oh, ciao, ciao.

- Hi, Mrs Ford.

Anybody home?! "Home".

Stanley, the breakfast is almost ready.

Oh, oh, my darling, good morning.

All I want is some dry toast

and black coffee.

I weigh 182 pounds

and my clothes don't fit any more.

- Is very good.

- Yeah.

- Is good?

- Uh, yeah.

Oh, Stanley, look, look,

the light bulb is go down in the pantry.

Well, I get electrician to fi.

No, no. I have light bulbs here.

Just a moment, huh?

Why can't we get an electrician?

Look, they've got a very strong union.

I don't wanna...

The other husbands

change the bulbs every day.

Is very good for you. Is, uh...

work with your hands. Is make you to relax.

OK.

You can get a shock with electricity if you

don't know what you're doing, and I don't.

At 22, I thought you had to cover the

outlets or the electricity would leak out.

Cover up all the...

I'll screw it in and...

Ah!

- Oh, mamma mia!

- Oh!

- Oh. Uh...

- Oh.

Oh...

Oh, poor darling. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Stanley. It's funny.

- It's very funny.

- Yeah, very funny.

- I have a good idea.

- Huh?

The Brannigans have

the first guests for dinner.

Everything goes wrong. It's funny, no?

- Yeah.

- I invite Edna and Harold.

- I go call them, huh?

- OK.

Uh-oh.

In a little while.

Well, open it!

- Hi, everybody!

- Hi!

Oh, Mrs Ford!

Sorry we're late,

but it's all Harold's fault, really.

He's ready an hour before leaving,

then he paces in front of my room.

Makes me so nervous

it's a wonder I'm even dressed.

Hey, puppy dog!

Well, you're looking

mighty good in there, lad.

Don't you love those pyjamas?

I picked them myself.

- Green.

- Putting on a little weight too, huh?

Must be the... home cooking.

No, no, no, no!

It is, uh... necessary uh...

you speak English,

uh... me...

because, um... uh, no because...

Uh... No learn. No learn.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

Stanley, you've married yourself a treasure,

you lucky man.

Oh... oh, look... look at us, permission.

- Oh!

- It's beautiful?

Well, I love it. I love it, love it.

- Harold?

- Yeah?

I checked with Tiffany's and your real

present is going to be ready next week.

This is just some nothing I bought.

But it's so cute.

We got one for our bar at home too.

Oh, Stanley, I just love

the place now. I really do.

It used to be attractive in a way,

but... well, I always thought

it was rather cold and austere.

Now it's just marvellous, that's all!

Oh! "Danger! Men... men drinking!"

- It's very droll!

- I know just where it should go too.

"Danger! Men drinking."

Yeah, it's cute, Stan.

I mean, it's... it's pretty cute.

It reminds me of

one of the fellas at the office.

- He has one that reads "Think..."

- "Or Thwim."

- How did you know? - I'm going to be

an expert in prefabricated American humour.

Yeah? I see.

- "Danger, men drinking." Huh?

- Live dangerously, ha!

Yeah.

Oh, it's wonderful to see Stanley so happy.

Really, I can't tell you how grateful I am

that somebody finally nailed him.

Nailed, um...

- Sposato!

- Sposato, s.

While one's running loose, nobody's safe.

Harold used to come home...

have three drinks

and start talking about his freedom.

- Freedom... Libert?

- Libert.

They're... they're like children, you know?

But I think... they are, hmm...

very... gen... sweet... sweet!

Ah? Oh, I like very much.

Yes, of course they are,

but, you see, with us it's different.

A woman is never really free

until she IS married.

She's free to enjoy

the good things in life -

she can spend, you know, money,

have little affairs

and still be looked after.

That's why men have to be controlled.

- Controllare?

- Controllare.

Right, right!

For the good of the home, la casa, huh?

Actually, it's just a matter

of keeping them off balance.

Um... look, I'll show you something.

- The door is closed, huh?

- Mm-hm.

They can't hear us,

and we can't hear them, right?

Watch.

Harold!

Harold!

That's right. Uh... yes, dear?

- I heard that.

- Heard what, dear?

You know very well what!

No, I don't. But if you wanted, uh...

Look, let's not discuss it

in front of strangers.

Yeah, but you... you, uh...

We'll talk about it when we get home.

See? They're always

guilty as hell about something.

Good!

Very good, very good.

So he says, "Sam, you can't.

"But I, Sam, I can do it.

"Sam, you're not..." You know?

Now I do myself.

Stanley? Stanley?

- Bring the soup, please.

- Yes, but you must have help because...

- Uh, Stan, I'll tell you the rest of it.

- She's Dutch and she's expensive, but...

Harold!

You had another drink when we were in

the kitchen. I can tell by your funny look.

What's the point of her cooking

if you're too drunk to enjoy it?

Yeah, she's right.

- Harold, this is your place.

- Over there?

Hey, Bash!

Very funny -what a boob!

- Yeah, yeah.

- My wife loved it!

Hi, this is Mr Ford. Would you put

Harold... Mr Lampson on, please?

What?

You do?

You think it's cute?

That is so typical.

You just loved it when he spilt the s?

Could I remind you

that you're just an inefficient secretary?

Not only that, you're a woman! Your opinions

mean nothing to me. Now, put Mr Lampson on!

Harold, it's Stan.

There's gonna be changes.

I want a full-scale meeting -you, me

the syndicate guys, the accountants

- everybody!

11 o'clock!

No, not here. I hate here!

I hate your office! At the club!

You hear me? At the club!

Club!

- Hello?

- Oh, hi there.

Sorry to wake you, but this is an emergency.

What?

I just called Harold's office,

and they told me he's in a meeting

with Stanley at the club.

I do not see. What is wrong with the club?

You can't keep track of them

when they're in the club.

You can't even be sure they're there.

Of course he is there.

I will call him on the telephone.

Go ahead, call him.

I'll tell you what you'll get.

You'll get, "Ahem, I'm very sorry,

"but Mr Ford cannot

be reached at the moment.

"He's in the gymnasium."

Gymnasium! He's probably off

hand-holding with some movie starlet.

I think maybe I call him.

I think maybe I call him right now!

- Good luck.

- 'Thank you.'

Goodbye.

Hello?

Mr Stanley Ford, please.

Sorry, I can't reach Mr Ford at the moment.

He's in the gymnasium.

Mm-hm. Thank you very much.

I'll admit it, Stan. At first,

at the shop, we thought you were crazy.

Marrying Bash off - it didn't seem right.

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