How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town

I'll be right back.

Adam Mitchell,

I think of you fondly.

No, that's stupid.

Um...

I love you.

I've always loved you.

"You look beautiful,

Cassie."

I don't know what's happening.

This is the only thing

that you should be

wearing right now.

Chester, have you seen Cassie?

- Um...

- Are you moist?

It's supposed to help.

I don't...

I think so.

Good enough.

Okay, just... let's get...

I can't get it in.

It's kind of, um, squishy.

Are you sure you're ready?

Yeah.

I was born ready.

Hey. Hey, Adam.

Adam, it's okay.

It's a lot of pressure.

Hey. Hey, Adam,

Adam, it's okay.

It's just us.

I...

- I...

- I need to pee.

Maybe.

We could always try again later.

Adam?

Are you freaking kidding me?

Get out of my parent's

bed, you tramp!

Uh, Adam?

Adam, my clothes are in there.

Adam. Adam, please.

Get out of my house

before I call the police.

- For what?

- For stuff.

I don't know.

Whore.

...What a whore!

Where are you going, slut?

...What are you doing?

Come on, the party just started.

Stay awhile.

- Um...

- Oh, my god.

What a little tramp.

Bye!

Hey.

Cassie Cranston, is that you?

- Sh*t!

- Did you just say "sh*t"?

Jesus, Seth.

- That's my mom's.

- I'll bring it back.

Okay.

Lana Parker called me about you,

said you streaked

through her backyard.

And she wasn't the only one.

All of beaver's Ridge

is abuzz about you.

It was so horrible, mom.

They all...

don't say another word.

You embarrassed me tonight.

You embarrassed yourself.

Please, mom, I'm...

don't you care

what others think of you?

Don't you?

Oh, stop sulking.

Go in the house

before anyone sees you.

Unless you can think of another

way you can mortify me tonight.

F***, yeah.

Hey, Ellie.

Sorry I missed all your calls.

I have your pages, I just, um...

Cassie, uh, it's your mom.

- Oh, Christ, what now?

- She passed.

Well, good. I didn't want her

writing the forward, anyway.

- That was your idea.

- No, um,

she's gone.

On tour?

No. I'm sorry, Cassie.

I know the two of you

weren't very close,

but, um, look,

I, uh, still need

that manuscript from you

as soon as possible.

But, um,

you know, take a few days.

Go home.

Afternoon, Adam.

How are you doing?

- Good, good. -You're looking very good.

Looking fit.

I just want to talk to you about the

apple butter festival this year.

- Yeah. -'Cause last year the

judging got some complaints.

- Yeah.

- Are you in this year?

- Absolutely.

'Cause you'd make a great judge.

- You love apple butter, don't you?

- I love apple butter.

Oh, you've gotta be

f***ing kidding me.

If you're here for the tour,

Justin's taking one out now.

Yeah.

Uh, Mr. Thicodedious,

have you got

your Insulin this time?

All right, now, for our

first stop, everybody,

it's gonna be

the church that inspired

the exciting conclusion

to the fifth Victoria novel...

I'm not here for the tour.

I just wanted

to check the place out.

It's cool.

Holy f***.

You're Cassie Cranston.

I'm... I'm literally reading

your column right now.

- It's like my Bible.

- Thank you.

That's a good one.

How's that working out for you?

Oh, it's... yeah.

No, it's like... not really.

It's fine.

- Oh.

- I'm sorry, I just...

I never thought that I would

get to meet you.

I saw you the night

that you went through town

with... with your tits and stuff

and it just...

it blew my mind, and, uh,

and every time,

I just get fed up with this

place, I read your first article

that you ever wrote... the one

that made people hate you,

and, like,

it's so comforting to me.

"Dear beaver's Ridge, the following

article has been formatted

to fit your narrow and oppressed

view of the universe."

It is a great opening line.

It's so epic.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

Well, my mom died, so...

F*** and sh*t.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to know

who the wills and estates

lawyer is?

I do. Um, yes.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

Oh, god.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you so much.

Bye.

F***.

Why can't we show it today?

Well, the town's

national treasure died.

People are super sad and stuff.

No one wants to buy a house

when they're sad.

It's listed too high.

In the city, we'd list it

25 percent lower.

It starts a bidding war.

No. See?

There's no bidding wars here.

What you do is,

you go 25 percent higher,

and then people think

they're getting a bargain

when they Jew us down.

I'm Jewish.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't apologize.

Just don't say that

in front of clients,

unless small-town bigotry

is something that...

Binds the town together.

Kind of.

Although we do have a major

that's a paki.

So, or paki...

He's a paki... Pakistan.

Pakistan... Pakistani.

Is that what you call

those people?

Look, the main selling point

of all the homes

in beaver's Ridge,

is that you're coming

to a community, you know?

It's wholesome,

those family values.

You know, the kind of place

maybe you could see yourself

setting up

your own little family.

- Are you f***ing shitting me?

Oh, hey, Bruce.

Hey, buddy.

I told you I was bringing

my new partner by today!

Was that today?

What time...

oh, I'm sorry

that slipped my mind.

So you're the home owners?

- This is my wife.

- Nah, uh, hah, ex-wife.

Temporary separation, Alice.

Until you get off your ass

and sign the papers.

- This is my house!

- Oh, my goodness.

It's not.

It's my house.

Why don't you get

your sh*t out of it?

I will rip the batteries

out of that game thing

so fast,

your head is gonna spin.

Stop treating me

like a child, mom.

Take this casserole

over to Maureen's.

- No one's even there.

- If that little tramp

daughter of hers turns up,

she'll need food.

- Did you make me one of these?

- -This is the house

where Maureen wrote every

single one of the books.

Okay, now it's also

the inspiration

for Victoria's childhood home.

And this tree right here, folks,

this is the tree where

Victoria had her first kiss.

Also, the tree where Mr. Cobell

proposed marriage.

- Sorry about your mom.

Go ahead and take some photos

if you want.

Thanks, Seth.

Do you play

father-daughter warfare?

I have no idea what that is.

Ovulation begins

in t-minus five days.

Now, I've given

your secretary the itinerary,

and she's freed your schedule

for the corresponding times.

Those are non-negotiable.

3:
00 P.M.

means 3:
00 P.M.

Not quarter after.

I'm sorry I was late today.

Now, when you walk in that door,

I want you to be fully aroused.

Okay, sweetheart?

Fully aroused, yeah.

This is fun, huh?

- Sweetie, this isn't for enjoyment.

- Right.

You know, the doctor said that we need

to keep a steady flow of semen going

to maximize our chances

for when the time comes.

We don't want to be the only 30-year-olds

in town without a child, do we?

Uh-uh.

We just need to keep

the semen schedule. Okay?

- All right.

Adam, we need to finish.

That's my work ring though.

...Oh! God, Connie!

Oh, my god.

Can I just answer it real quick,

and I'll get back to you?

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