How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town Page #2

Okay.

Adam Mitchell.

Hi.

Uh...

It's Cassie Cranston.

Uh, uh, hi.

So, you're a lawyer.

Um... uh, honey,

it's um, it's... it's super dry.

Um, wills and estates,

mostly, yeah.

When did you get back into town?

Just now.

- The library's gone, huh?

- Yeah, yeah.

It burned to the ground

about eight years ago.

It was a huge fire.

It was a terrible tragedy.

Those poor schoolchildren with

nothing to do with their free time.

Uh, right. So,

I need to plan the funeral.

Oh, I did that already.

I did it all by myself.

Oh, god...

sorry, where were we?

- Everything okay over there?

- Yeah.

I'm, uh... I'm...

I'm glad you're in town.

Why?

Well, you know,

you're next of kin,

you got to sign the, uh,

documents... relevant documents,

there's all sorts of stuff,

and, uh,

I mean, I just always kind of assumed

you would never be coming home.

Well, my mom died.

I mean,

why wouldn't I come home?

- 'Cause of the article?

- Yeah, right, of course.

So, when do we read the will?

After the funeral.

Right.

Okay, well I've bothered

you after business hours,

so, I'll let you

get back to your wife.

- I assume you're married.

- Oh, yeah, actually.

Okay, uh, well, uh,

thanks for everything.

You actually know my wi...

...sweetie, we talk about

you warning me before you

release your demons.

That face you make

it's like staring into the sun.

A lot of that is involuntary.

You didn't call.

What was I supposed to say?

You will now have a passage

from Maureen's first Victoria

book read by Heather Mitchell,

president of the Victoria of the

true north festival committee.

"Victoria had always been aware,

ever since her first memories,

that she was very near

to a world of deviant morality.

But sometimes,

just for a moment,

her loved ones neared it,

and she caught a glimpse,

of the bewitching world beyond,

and she knew that it would

be her life's work...

To keep herself

and others from it."

I hate everything.

Remember when you left me here

alone with all of these people?

The sooner I get out

of here, the better.

- She just had to show up today.

- Oh, my god.

- It's her mother's funeral.

- Oh, button it.

- I'm gonna go give her a piece of my mind.

- Honey, don't...

is this really the best place

for a confrontation like this?

Cassie Cranston.

Heather Murray.

Or, is it Mitchell now?

On behalf of beaver's Ridge

welcoming committee,

I would like to formally

let you know

that you are not welcome.

That is,

you are not welcome here.

Wow.

As far as condolences go,

that was original.

Did I go something?

You did something

to this entire town.

Right, the article.

Is that it?

You may have grown up here,

but you know nothing about us.

I mean, we get up to some

pretty wild shenanigans.

Like what?

The true north festival?

- The apple butter parade?

Hey, I don't mean

to butt in here,

but I will not stand idly by,

while you trash talk

the apple butter parade.

Bruce, everybody, can we just

please give Cassie a break?

Whose side are you on,

really, Adam?

Wipe that smile off your face.

You think you're the only one

who's had a little excitement?

Well, let me tell you,

I have had my share

- of excitement.

- Okay. Do tell.

I slept with a black man

in college.

My stars.

Ever been with a woman?

I kissed a girl once,

I didn't care for it.

Sex tape?

We make them, and watch them often.

Big whoop.

Anything else?

Have you ever been in an orgy?

I'm sorry.

Hey, you know, hon',

it's been kind of a rough day,

we've got a little time

before dinner,

maybe we could, uh, you know...

- I'm not ovulating.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

I just thought maybe we

could, uh, have a little fun.

Oh, sweetie...

no. Fun time was yesterday

just... just like the

schedule says, remember?

You just have to keep

your... your sperm fresh.

You don't need me for that.

Besides, it...

it really turns me on

to think of you

doing that to yourself.

- Yeah?

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I could do that.

- Hey, you wanna watch?

- Mm-mm.

No, that's okay,

that's okay. Yeah.

You look beautiful, Cassie.

It's okay.

It's just us.

It's always been just us.

- But I ran away. -You're

not going anywhere now.

Are you freaking kidding me?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Well, the results say

that Adam suffers

"from necrzoospermia,"

which means that all of

his sperm are non-viable.

Which means dead.

All of them?

- There's really nothing we can do.

- Well, I'm sorry, doctor,

I just don't know what I'm

supposed to do in this situation.

After all this time, I know

how frustrated you must be.

Look, the waiting list

for sperm banks

and adoption agencies

are at least two to three years.

If you want my honest, completely

off-the-record opinion,

if it were me,

I would try to get a friend,

or someone I knew,

to give me a personal donation.

First you folks

tell me what you paid for it.

Then we'll have

a good laugh about it

and we'll start

"jewing" them down.

- The hell with it. -Line

one for you, Bruce!

Yes, thank you, Georgina.

- The buck stops here, how

can I help you? -Bruce?

- It's Heather Mitchell. -You're

the only Heather in town.

You don't need

to tell me your full name

every single time you call.

You know.

Not a lot of funerals end

with an orgy throw-down.

- I'd go to an orgy.

- No, you wouldn't.

Yeah, I can grow

a mustache for it,

- or a soul patch

- whatever.

I'll have you know,

I'm an extremely

- sexual person.

- Oh, my god.

I had a sex dream

about you once.

I don't want to know that.

Do you have any idea

how many people

I've had sex dreams about?

It's hardly

an exclusive club, okay?

So...

How was I?

Oh, screw you!

Whatever.

If I sucked,

it's probably because

- you have a shitty imagination.

- Okay, you know what?

I knew you'd be weird about this.

I knew you would be.

You're my boss, dude,

and you babysat me once.

- So.

- I think.

It is actually illegal for you

to be into me, or something.

Okay, first of all,

I did not say I was into you,

and secondly,

I didn't babysit you.

We played videogames while our moms

smoked cigarettes and played bridge.

So, it doesn't...

That's what guys do,

though, isn't it?

They befriend a girl

just to gain her trust,

so that they can

have sex with them.

I mean, why else

are you friends with me?

Must be your shining

personality.

Your sarcastic tone

is unnecessary.

Hey, Heather.

What's going on?

In the matter of the

last will and testament,

of Maureen Margaret Cranston...

She has declared

that her residuals

from any book sales,

which as you know

are still quite considerable,

as well as any

assets that she has,

financial institutions,

holdings, etcetera,

be used to build

a new town library.

Uh, I'm sorry.

What?

She wants to build a library.

Remember I told you

that the library burned down?

I could show you

the blueprints, actually,

if you give me a second, here,

because they are

something to behold.

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