How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town Page #3

- They spared no expense.

Is this a joke?

No, we're still

on dial-up. Yeah.

Town council actually voted

down high-speed Internet,

something about

ready access to pornography.

No, no. I mean,

about the money.

There's... there's nothing?

No, there's not true.

Uh, you, you can

live in the house

for as long as

you should want to.

Well, what would that be worth?

It's not...

I mean, a lot, but...

Again, if you should

choose to sell the house,

I'd go right back

into the library.

So, uh, she left

me nothing, then?

Um, well,

Heather actually made you

this casserole, so.

There's three kinds of cheese,

and there's broccolini

in there, I think.

Would you, um,

mind giving me a minute, please?

- Alone.

- Yeah. Yeah.

...Oh, my god.

Of course.

- Hello?

- Hey.

I was just calling to check in,

see how you're doing.

Well, you know, I'm pretty

terrible, actually.

Oh, uh, okay.

I don't have your book.

- Next week is fine.

- No, I mean,

I... I don't have your book,

I haven't written anything.

I came back here hoping

I could use my inheritance

to pay back the advance,

but my mother didn't

leave me anything.

Nothing.

- We had plans.

- I know.

All this time,

why didn't you say something?

I don't know.

- I f***ed up.

- Look.

I'm gonna make this easy for you

because you're going

through a lot right now.

It doesn't have to be the book

that you originally pitched me,

but it has to be something.

It has to be sexy

and honest and raw.

Dig deep.

You have 24 hours to send me

a pitch or return the money.

And if neither of those happen?

- You know any good lawyers?

- Nope,

just a shitty

small-town one.

And here we are.

Hey, you weren't counting

on these royalties, were you?

No, of course not.

Yeah. Right.

Big city writer, right?

It's nice to see you...

I mean,

with lots of terrible

circumstances, but, uh,

you never realize

how much you miss somebody,

until...

- Until what? -I don't know

where I was going with that.

I just, uh...

You know, I just didn't like

how things ended with us,

obviously.

You mean like how you

ran off, like a coward

and you hid in the bathroom?

Yes, that's... that's, uh...

That's... yeah.

You know, technically,

we never really ended things.

Yeah.

And we never broke up.

I came back for you, Adam.

Okay, I can't tell

if you're messing with me.

- Can't you?

- I...

hey.

...What're you doing here?

Well, I could ask you

the same thing, sugar pie.

Just, uh,

the estate meeting today...

- Of course. -...Is what we're

doing, talking about it, yeah.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was hoping

we could have a little chat.

Just us girls.

So...

You and Adam.

Oh, absolutely.

It's funny.

I just never really

pictured you two together.

You know, he will make

a wonderful father.

Well, sounds like you have

your future all mapped out.

That's...

that's really nice.

So, funny thing,

I was re-reading

that one article of yours.

Some very witty

and wonderful turns of phrase,

by the way,

- no wonder it caught a virus.

- Went viral?

And I was thinking, you may

be right about a few things.

Perhaps we are a little bit

sexually repressed.

At any rate, I was thinking,

you know we probably could use

a little shake up

here in beaver's Ridge,

and I think your orgy idea

is just the ticket.

What... hang on,

my orgy-what-now?

I'll organize,

and you can instruct.

- Uh, no.

- At least think about it.

It's really

the least you could do.

Actually, the least I

can do is nothing.

Well, now who's being

the small-minded one?

You know, I thought you would jump

at the chance to watch all of us

make fools of ourselves

as we delve into

the perversions of your mind.

You know,

probably give you fodder

for a whole new series

of articles,

"how to plan an orgy

in a small town."

I mean, if you can come up

with a better title.

Unless, of course,

you can't handle it.

So, all I would have to do

is instruct?

I mean, like,

I wouldn't actually have to...

Fornicate with us?

Oh, god. No.

Heather wants me to plan

a sex party.

Oh, that's f***ing hilarious.

Mmm.

But, what's wrong?

- I'm a virgin.

So, just to clarify

everything you know about sex

is bullshit?

No, that... that's...

that's not true.

I've... I've interviewed people,

and I go to bars, and...

I belong to a few sex clubs.

It's just no applied knowledge.

Wait. Did your father

molest you?

- Alice, Jesus Christ.

- Okay.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just have to ask

'cause that happens to people.

And then they get all psychologically

mashed up, and then they...

like their vagina's sealed shut,

- so they can't even have sex.

- Okay, well, it's not that.

- 'Cause you're terrified of sex?

- -No.

I'm just waiting for someone

I can trust.

I need a new drink 'cause I

just threw up in that one.

Okay, f*** off.

Will you come with me

to this thing, or not?

Sweetie,

you're my very best friend

in this whole stupid town.

I will totally

come to your orgy,

and I will totally

be there for you,

and I will totally bang

all the hot guys that show up.

That was fast.

What's the verdict?

I'm digging deep.

Ow!

- You ready?

I... I don't know.

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

I mean... I mean,

can we do this?

Is this us?

Are we...

are we orgy people?

What we're not is quitters.

Now, if we don't go downstairs

and open that door,

then everything that Cassie

Cranston thinks about us

and beaver's Ridge,

will be true.

She'll think that we're cowards.

Is that what you want her

to think about you?

So, I know all of you

are sexually active,

but what you

are about to embark on

needs to be treated and seen

with the respect of a sport.

Okay?

There will be surprises.

The odd queef.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

What is a "queef"?

Oh, um,

okay, it's like flatulence,

that comes out of your...

...mm-hmm.

Basically, you're hammering

large quantities of air

into a tight, moist, space,

so, sounds are gonna be made.

Next, um, stamina.

It's gonna go a lot faster than you think.

Pornography lies.

No man can go properly

for 40 minutes

without having an aneurism,

and at that point,

any woman's vagina

is gonna be squealing

like a worn-out brake pad

at the end

of a high-speed chase.

Are these colorful phrases

really necessary?

Well, we need to know

what to expect.

You need to stay hydrated.

You're gonna sweat.

Which brings me

to my next topic.

Sex stank.

You're not gonna

notice your own.

But you will notice

other peoples,

and in a room full

of people sweating,

and mashing their

genitals together,

it's...

it's gonna create a...

musk.

How bad could it possibly be?

Oh, bad.

Thick.

It's gonna seep into everything.

Thank god I got these lovely

plastic couch covers.

- So, shall we just dive right in?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well.

- Mm-hmm.

I think this was supposed to

just be a preliminary chat.

Did anyone here think we were

just gonna dive right in?

Oh, okay. Wow.

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