How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town Page #4

Okay, uh, guys,

I... I think... think if

you're gonna do this,

you just have to rip

the band-aid off,

and, and... do it.

You know?

Yeah.

Heather,

do you have an egg timer?

- Yes, I do. Yeah.

- That way, we can set the timer

for five minutes

and give everybody

a chance to switch it up,

if they want to.

Um, I...

All right, we're gonna

kick it old-school.

Gentlemen,

put your keys in the bowl.

Yeah. Oh, I walked here,

can I use fishing license?

...How do you not have keys?

Who locks their door?

So, my choices are Adam,

or Bruce.

Uh, can't have sex with Adam.

He's your husband.

Right, I mean, why would

you want to sleep with me?

- You're right.

- -I was kidding.

Okay, Bruce.

Let's make the best of it.

A little less enthusiasm,

please.

How are we not

already having sex?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I... I just,

you're just... you...

you're really beautiful.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna close my eyes,

and I'm just gonna imagine

that you have leprosy.

And then, otherwise,

this is gonna...

- and that's not...

You shouldn't tell people that.

No... okay, uh,

just give me a second.

Give me a second.

Okay... okay, I'm good now.

I'm good.

Nope. Nope.

...That's my jawbone.

- Yeah.

- Oh, so defiant.

Slow it down, slow it way down.

Slow it way down.

...Uh... okay...

Oh, my god, your lips.

- My lips?

- They're so soft.

What do you put on them?

Uh, well, wine.

Wine, mostly.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, no.

- No, no, no, I can't.

No, no, no, no, just hold it.

Hold on.

Stop staring, it's rude.

Where am I supposed to look?

- Is this turning you on?

- It's not...

not turning me on.

Three, two, wa... wait.

No, I need... I need six...

- No, that's it.

- Uh!

Oh, come on. Come on, I was

just getting my groove on.

- Time's up. Chester?

- Uh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, I'm... I'm gonna need a

few minutes, to, uh, pardon me.

Replenish the fluids here

'cause...

- Whoa, did you already?

- I just grazed the tip.

- I grazed it.

- Please. Please tell me

- it was on the couch cover.

- I'm ready to party.

- Jeez.

- Is that normal?

God no.

- Hey, why don't we have

some make-up sex? -Oh, no.

Did not all the energy in here

just get sucked out?

- No, no, it didn't. Ow.

- Um, I think we...

we ripped the band-aid off

a little too quickly here.

We should have catered.

A potluck would have been nice.

Cassie, I feel like we're

gonna need some spare d*cks,

incase, you know, chappy

gets pre-maturely excited,

- just keep the party going.

- I can hear you.

- Agreed.

- You know what would be good?

Is maybe if we had

some other ladies as well?

- Yeah.

- People from around town.

Or Cassie,

if you wanted get involved.

Uh, no.

I... I mean, I... I,

that wasn't...

that wasn't part

of the... no.

Um, okay, I think this little

experiment has just proven

that we need to go

a little bit slower.

So, let's get together again,

but this time, ease into it,

focus on the basics.

And if all goes well,

then, round two.

Look, I don't want to sound like

a jerk here, okay?

But what am I supposed to do

with this erection?

- I mean... -Yeah, I saw a

papaya on the counter there

you could probably

have your way with.

No, it's too ripe.

It's not gonna work.

Why do you know that?

What about Michael Lobucks?

He's got a terrible back issue.

He wouldn't the last

five minutes.

- What about the mayor?

- Gus, Gus? Been there.

- They can't be black.

- Oh, my god.

Wait, Gus is black?

- Mrs. Reddick.

- Bruce, she's dead.

Margo and Dave Anderson.

No... no. Absolutely not.

Have you seen

how he plays charades?

I'm not getting into a sexual

situation with that man.

So, there's a bunch of us

and we're doing this thing,

- okay?

- Yeah.

And, I don't know how to ask...

We've been encouraged to invite

other people to the thing.

- Right.

- What we're gonna be doing is...

- What kind of thing is it?

- We're gonna... it's a,

it's like a pri...

it's like a very...

- It's a private fun thing.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. -Like, we're all...

we are all together...

- In the private thing...

- Yeah.

...where you touch each other's

nipples and you f*** each other?

- How do you know... what are you...

- stop trying to invite me

how do I not know about the orgy?

Bruce is all over town.

And you need to talk to that guy

because everybody in this town

is gonna know

what you idiots are up to.

Okay, okay, okay. So he did Bruce

invite you to it, already?

- Yes, he did.

- He did, eh?

Yes.

- So you...

- No. No!

I knew you were

gonna ask me that.

- You disappoint me, Chester.

- What?

You guys haven't rsvp'ed

to my party, yet.

Wow, hey. Seth, man. How long

have you been standing there?

Actually, funny

that you're here,

because Chester has something

that he wants to ask you.

- No... -there's this

thing that's happening.

And, people are encouraged...

- No, that's not...

- to invite other people...

And he wanted to talk to you

about this thing.

No. What? Coming.

I gotta grab this...

this, delivery.

- Oh, really? -I gotta

get this delivery here.

- Interesting.

- -Isn't that your bathroom?

- What? -Are you going

to the bathroom?

- Hey, Seth.

- Hi, Pauline.

How is your day going, buddy?

- It's busy.

- Yeah.

So, you want to have

an orgy in a town

where you can dial

the wrong number,

and still have a

ten-minute conversation?

I'll owe you.

I really need to work

the numbers in my favor,

and you coming helps knock

some of the other guys out.

- How?

- You know...

You smoke a pole man, you know.

- The pole?

- Yeah, you play the skin flute,

you put penises in your mouth,

'cause you're gay.

Not 'cause you're happy,

'cause you're a homosexual.

Not that you couldn't be

a homosexual and be happy

I'm sure you love it.

So...

You want me at this orgy

because I'm gay,

and that will force one of the other

non-gay men to sleep with me,

which will make more women

available for you?

Look.

I really need this, man.

Allie's leaving me, it was...

it was a huge hit to my ego.

If I agree to this,

you give me the full

commission on your house.

That's a big commission, man.

- Are you coming to my birthday party?

- Jesus Christ.

My mom wanted an RSVP

like, yesterday.

I don't know, man.

You should totally

come to our party, Seth.

I...

- Alice.

- F***! Jesus, Seth.

You haven't rsvp'ed

to my party, yet.

- Haven't I?

- It's just my mom.

She doesn't know how many cupcakes to make.

She's freaking out.

Mm. Okay.

Are you going to that party?

- What party?

- I don't know.

Bruce told me about

some party at Adam's.

- That's been cancelled.

- Are you sure?

Because he just told me

about it like, just now.

Well, Seth,

I don't know,

because Bruce is an idiot.

Yeah.

Hey, um, that's good,

because tomorrow's

my party anyways,

so you can just tell

everybody to RSVP,

and then they can come.

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