How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town Page #5

Okay, I, uh,

I'll try to remember.

- Can I have a glass of water?

- I don't.

- I don't have any water.

- I'm thirsty.

- Okay. -Do you have a blanket?

I'm cold.

So, I think the first thing

we need to do here

is... is just

acknowledge the awkwardness

of the situation.

So, Chester, if maybe we

could... switch spots.

So you could sit over here.

- You wanna do a...

- yeah.

Okay.

- So, let's start with Heather.

- Hmm.

How does it make you feel

to see Adam with someone else?

Oh, well... well, I...

I think we can all

be adults here.

Yeah?

Okay, so,

this doesn't bother you,

or make you upset

or uncomfortable at all?

Mm-mm. No.

No, I think that's, um,

that's very neighborly of you,

of... of both of you.

I'm very neighborly.

- Is this... is this hard for you, Adam?

- Oh, it's hard for me.

I mean, this...

it would... this...

that would be hard for me.

That would be challenging.

Yeah, what about this,

Heather? Huh?

This must be driving you

absolutely insane.

Bruce, what are you doing?

Oh, we're just easing

into it, big fella.

You know, you are carrying

- a lot of tension...

- Mm-hmm.

...in your buster deltoids.

Can you feel that?

You know what? I'd be a lot

easier if I got your shirt off.

- That way we can really get at it.

- Um, I don't think...

...I'll get it.

- That'll be our additional guests.

- Oh.

Yeah, okay, let's just go ahead.

That's a weird way

to open a shirt, anyway.

Let's just... let's just put

the kybosh on that,

- and see who these guests are.

- Go away!

Jesus f***ing...

Hi, guys.

Hey, come on in.

- Thank you.

- Everybody,

you remember Anna and Otis.

- From racquetball, right?

- -Hi.

Who the f*** invited you?

Honey, I don't know about this.

Um, just a moment, everyone.

Sure.

Sweetie, we agreed to this.

Everything we tried

hasn't been working.

The long walks, the spicy food,

the primrose oil.

I mean, the mid-wife thought that

maybe this would do the trick.

- I know.

- We want to do it naturally.

I know, I know,

but why can't it just be you?

Because it's been me for the

last 48 hours and I'm exhausted.

...Listen, you...

you're peeing every ten minutes,

you're not sleeping.

I love you so much, but this

baby needs to come out.

- You're right.

- Yeah.

- We need to do this.

- Right.

I love you.

- Okay.

- Are we ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Okay, so, who's gonna

f*** my wife first?

Okay, uh, sexual positions...

Oh, uh, I know

all three of them,

but we only do

the doggy-style.

- I'm sorry, all three of them?

- Mm-hmm.

You guys don't look

at each other when you...

- nope.

- Mm-mm.

Why not?

You know, I don't think

anyone wants to know that.

- I wanna know.

- I'd love to know.

It's private, it's between us.

- He makes a face.

- Okay.

- It's very unpleasant.

- It's involuntary.

It's disturbing, actually.

It's like a sneeze. Would you judge

a person for how they sneeze?

Oh... okay,

let's not ruin the surprise.

Um. We have some work to do.

Everybody grab a partner.

Okay, I drew up some

sexual positions

for us to try here.

- What, really? Me?

- Get lost.

Thank you.

I would... I would be honored.

If we could just

skip the Lego instructions.

I mean, clearly,

I've done this before.

I really just need someone

to bang the baby out of me.

Uh, also, if you could

ejaculate directly inside

my wife's vagina,

that would be great.

Uh, it actually contains

prosteligence

which can stimulate the cervix

and can cause contractions.

Yeah.

Can you not put all

your weight on me?

- It makes me feel like I gotta pee.

- You wanna pee on me?

That is not even close

to what I said.

Okay, Bruce, why don't you try

putting her leg over your shoulder?

- Oh, oh, ooh.

- Yeah, yeah.

It actually feels,

it does feel good.

Honey, why have we never

tried this position?

- I didn't know you liked that.

- Well, you could have asked.

- I'm not a mind-reader, pumpkin.

- That's why you should ask.

Okay, I... I don't think

this is the time for that, guys.

Right. Sorry, honey.

We're being rude.

Bruce is trying to penetrate me.

I'm sorry, Bruce.

All right, give me what you got.

- I got nothing, ow.

This is... -what?

- This is f***ed up, man.

- What?

What the f*** is your problem?

Two, three, okay.

I gotta get it right...

- Yep, yep, okay.

- ...In here.

- Uh-huh.

- Cassie?

I don't know, I think one of us

has to be lesbian to do this.

Well, no, not if...

see here,

if you're more like this...

- Then...

- Oh, I see.

Yeah, no,

we both have to be lesbian.

- Oh!

- So that's not gonna work.

Oh.

There's no need to be shy, Otis.

I for one am very interested

in fornicating with you.

Oh.

Well, uh, no, no, no.

Uh, I'm just here for Anna,

incase the baby pops.

Surely there's better ways

to pass the time.

Oh, well, I'm gonna say thank

you, but no thank you.

Okay, I'm gonna level

with you here,

Anna told me that you got her

pregnant without even trying.

I need your baby batter,

so be a neighbor.

Well, I mean, my...

my semen isn't sugar, Heather.

Besides, Anna and I have been

having sex all day, all right?

I'm exhausted.

Even if I could get it up,

it's like a ghost

coughing down there.

- Oh, my god.

- Did you just...?

No, no. I'm good.

Uh...

Okay, I think we can...

Start with the actual sex now.

- I'm...

- Yeah?

- Yeah, I think I'm ready.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Whoa, hey, uh, I...

- I felt the baby kick.

- Well, don't make it weird.

She just wants to say hello.

- Don't you baby? -Please

don't talk like a baby.

She just wants

to meet everybody.

Help her meet everybody, Adam.

I don't know

that I'm qualified for that.

Shh-shh.

Keep it sexy, okay?

Uh, if you...

if you arch your back,

I think it'll allow for at least

another inch of penetration.

- Oh.

- Thank you, Cassie.

Oh, my god.

Oh, jeez.

Um, just for the record,

I am not inside you right now.

- It's...

- Is this a good position?

It's just the water stage.

The baby's not

gonna come for hours.

Water stage?

Ooh, ah.

Are... are you...

are you having a seizure?

- What's...

- -It's coming!

Oh, my god. Are you having

a contraction?

Oh, there it is!

- Okay, it's happening.

- It's fine, it's fine.

- It's happening?

- It's happening.

- We got a while yet.

- No, no, no.

If we could get it wrapped up as soon

as possible. If that's possible.

- Let's get her up.

- This feels so f***ing good.

Why don't you ever

feel this f***ing good?

She doesn't mean that, guys.

That's the baby talking.

Uh, can we get this guy off?

This is my wife, here.

Just a little bit of help guys,

would be really...

- Screamer.

Okay, there it is.

- There we go.

- Never throw those out.

Uh, thank you so much, guys,

thank you so much.

See, what did I tell you

about the plastic couch covers?

What a great night guys.

Thank you.

Can I ask a silly question?

How come none of you

have realized

what a terrible idea this is?

Hmm?

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