How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town Page #6

I mean, for one night

of awkward pleasure,

you are gonna jeopardize

friendships,

marriages even...

Look around, these are your

neighbors, your friends,

I just want to make sure

that you've thought about this.

Really thought about it.

This is a small town.

People are gonna find out.

One of you will talk,

maybe not right away,

but eventually.

I read Cassie's article,

and the reason why it upset at

everybody is 'cause she's right.

You are not the type of people

to do this sort of thing.

You're not adventurous.

Who are you trying to fool?

Half a dozen chimps

are locked in a room.

And in the center of the room,

there's a ladder on top of which

a banana dangles

from the ceiling.

So one the chimps decides

to go for the banana.

But before he can even

touch the ladder,

they're all sprayed

with ice cold water.

- I'm so confused right now.

- Shut up.

So, after a while,

they figure out the connection,

between the ladder

and the water,

and they don't go

for the banana anymore.

So then one of the chimps

is replaced by a new chimp.

And he decides

to go for the banana.

Before he can even

touch the ladder,

they... they attack him.

He goes for it again

and they literally,

they beat the message into him,

do not touch the f***ing ladder.

Eventually, all the chimps are

replaced by an entirely new group.

They don't know about the water.

They... they don't even know

it exists,

but anytime any of them

go for that banana,

they attack them.

And they have no idea why.

All they know is,

this is what happens

when you go after

the thing you want the most.

Something someone else

says you can't have

and they never question it,

it's just what they do.

So my question is,

are you gonna go

after your banana?

Or are you gonna let all the

other chimps knock you down?

Did that make anyone else

a little bit hard?

Bruce, there are ladies present.

I'm sorry, did it make

anyone hard, or wet?

Look, y'all want this.

You need this.

And if you're in,

then I'm in, too.

All the way.

- I'd like to go after my banana.

- Me, too.

Can I put the whole thing

in my mouth?

Saturday.

My place.

Maybe they're late.

Why don't you come on

the cruise with me?

It'd be good for you

to get out of town.

You don't need these people.

They've never accepted you.

Well.

Well, happy birthday, Seth.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Pace yourself,

Chester, buddy.

Pace.

Hello.

You're very pretty.

I'm Chester.

Oh, slow down, slow down.

Yeah, yeah,

here comes the good stuff.

Oh, oh, god dammit, why?

Why?

...Dude.

Ugh!

Everyone can f***ing see you!

You know that

that chick has a dick, right?

- Yeah, thanks.

- I support masturbation.

...Whew!

Hey, you're not...

you're not gonna mention this...

...to anyone are you?

'Cause I'm...

I'm a little just,

you know, embarrassed about it.

I would never do that.

No, I'm serious.

Why would I go and tell anybody

that's private... it's personal,

that I walked in on you.

- It's totally fine.

- Thank you.

Don't be embarrassed.

I've done weird sh*t.

Like eat half a pizza.

Why don't you have

any friends, seriously?

Hum. Um...

Ow, that kinda...

no.

I mean, what the f*** are you?

No, I didn't mean it like that,

I meant like,

why don't you have, like,

friends, other than me?

Like, friends your...

your own age, 'cause you're...

you're so, I mean, you...

I don't know.

People are idiots.

- Generally. You're an idiot.

- Yeah, I am an idiot.

Every... you're just an

idiot, at all times.

It's true.

I mean, you're only friends with

me because you wanna bang me.

Oh, f***, holy sh*t.

It was a dream.

It was a dream.

I had a sex dream

about my aunt Merga, once. Okay?

You shouldn't tell people that.

No, I'm making a...

I'm trying to make a point here.

All right, that it doesn't

mean, it's nothing.

It's just a dream.

Okay?

I mean, what's so wrong

about me, anyway?

What?

I mean, why wouldn't you

want to bang me?

You keep saying,

"no I would never do that,"

but I mean, do I, like, do I,

am I repulsive?

Why would you wanna have sex with me?

I mean, does that...

No, no, that's not what I

said, I didn't say that.

But you didn't not

say that, right?

- Okay.

- You did not say that.

Wow. You should be

a detective.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- No. No.

- Why, you think I should

go get a badge or something?

I'll get you a detective badge.

- Thanks.

- Hmm.

- What?

Whoa, what...

What're you doing?

Oh, god.

What're you...?

What're you doing right now?

I'm bored.

What's happening right now?

Well, um,

nothing is happening, Chester.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm sorry.

I just made it...

I made it really weird here.

I'm... I...

I feel really stupid.

- Oh, you feel really stupid?

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

That's how you feel right now?

F*** you, Chester.

Hey, it's Polly.

I'm coming to your orgy.

Happy orgy day!

- Shh.

- Right?

- And Chester...

- Yes.

Hey, everyone. Hi.

Polly, you look,

you look really nice.

Oh, do I?

Well, let's get

started, shall we?

I call Cassie.

What? No.

Oh, come on, I'm really

in the mood to have sex

with someone I've never

been with before.

She said "no," you know?

Why don't you just take another

shot at Heather, there?

Hmm?

- What?

In high school I put his penis

in my mouth a little.

- Oh, jeez. -She didn't say

I have a small penis.

- No, she kind of did.

- Okay.

So those two are out,

and I'm not really into Polly?

What the sh*t?

Do you want to have sex with me?

I don't feel comfortable

answering that question.

Thank you very much.

So Cassie and I then.

Well, I... I wanna have sex,

uh, with Spencer.

Are you serious?

Spencer's gay.

You're the only one in town

who actually thinks that.

Oh, seriously?

Really?

What about that fruity

real estate job you have?

What about your hair?

The clothes?

- That awesome Cologne?

- I don't wear Cologne.

That's just me.

Okay.

Cassie wants to have sex

with Spencer.

Who else wants to have sex

with Spencer?

Oh, for fucks sake.

Who are you sleeping with then?

- Adam.

- No, I don't think so.

Oh, guess what, Heather?

Cock-blocking isn't

actually on the list

of things to do in an orgy.

So, why don't you let Adam decide

who he'd like to stick it in.

Oh, okay. Um...

You know, you're all

wonderful people,

and um...

- Polly would be...

- awkward.

- And weird.

- Okay.

You know, Alice, I think my

main concern with you is that

I wouldn't be able to meet

your level of experience.

Go f*** yourself.

So I guess I choose Cassie.

Too late, I already

called dibs on her.

Okay, stop it. I'm...

I'm not participating

in anything where

dibs take precedence.

Have sex with me, please.

- I said no. -God, you are

such a hypocrite, Cassie.

You, you, you, you run off

with your vagina

and your... your...

Sexy article things,

and then you have an issue

sleeping with some

mildly-annoying person that

you've known your entire life?

No, you do not get to be a

prude, and the town slut,

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