How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town Page #7

you're having sex with Bruce,

and that's that.

Jesus f***ing Christ, Heather, she's

not a slut, she's just a virgin.

Yeah...

Cassie's a virgin.

That would be rich.

But I everything that I know

about sex is because of...

- Your column.

- Yeah, me too.

This makes a lot of sense.

I'd like you all to leave now.

Okay. Okay, I'm sure this is

extremely embarrassing for you,

but we've all been looking forward

to this, so I think that we should...

- get out. -We're having

our carpets cleaned,

- there's nowhere else to go.

- Get out!

- It's her house, you guys, just...

- shut up, Alice.

You get the f*** out first.

Alice. Hey, Alice.

Alice, excuse me.

- Hey, hey, hey...

- don't.

What the f***

do you want, Bruce?

Hey, what the f***

were you doing in there?

You really ruined that for me in there.

What're you doing?

I... I could not

give a Baker's f***.

A Baker's f***? What, 13 fucks...

what are you talking about?

- That's 13 fucks... -Do you have

any idea how much I needed this?

First, you embarrass

me by leaving me,

and then you rub it

in my f***ing face

by getting it on with

every single guy in town.

You know, you...

- you're embarrassing.

- I'm embarrassing?

- Yeah.

- You're pathetic.

- You need to sign our divorce papers.

- You want pathetic?

No. Not until

you tell me why.

Really? Do you

really not know why?

Because, if I recall,

you didn't touch me

for like, a year.

And you're acting

like a victim, in...

- oh, what? 'Cause you're so innocent?

- I had some sex.

- Some?

- I may have over-compensated.

- Oh, yeah, you think?

- You broke my heart!

My f***ing heart!

A**hole.

Sign the f***ing papers.

It's the least you could do.

So, I have been thinking

about the orgy...

The orgy's cancelled.

No, I'm Heather Mitchell,

- no one cancels a social event on me.

- Heather.

Honey, please, will you just forget

about the orgy and come to bed.

Adam, I am trying to figure out

a way to keep this orgy going.

The last thing I have time for

right now is to have sex with you.

Why is it so important to you?

To us, it's important to us.

No, it isn't.

I thought we were trying

to have a baby, that's the goal.

And that is exactly why

the orgy is so important.

What are you talking about?

Okay...

Look, I, um...

What?

I don't want you to take

this the wrong way, but...

I had your sperm tested.

It's just we've been

trying for a really long time,

and I got tested first,

and everything was fine,

so, it was the next step.

What... what do you mean?

I didn't give you any sperm.

How'd you get my sperm?

Well, when you make deposits,

I make withdrawls.

You...

Oh, my god.

Uh... uh...

Okay.

And...

They said that you have

the worst sperm

that they've ever seen.

We can get a second opinion.

I got five.

So you were using this orgy

as some sort of sperm bank?

That wasn't the original plan.

You wanted to get pregnant,

and then...

Trick me into raising

the child with you

with complete disregard

for the fact

the kid would look

nothing like me.

I have to be a mother,

Adam. Okay?

I mean, I wouldn't

have married you if I...

please, go on.

Honey, I'm just...

I'm being emotional.

Oh, I would hate for Heather

Mitchell to ever have an emotion.

I had to learn to love you.

- That came out wrong.

- Did it?

- Okay.

You kept the tape?

Uh, just getting rid of the rest

of my old junk before I leave.

So you're, you're going?

Well, the whole town found out

my deepest, darkest, secret.

So, yeah, I'm gonna go.

Everybody has bad days

apparently.

And mine's gonna get even worse

until I leave this sh*t-hole.

So, if you'll excuse me.

What if you don't leave?

Well, then I'll have to stay.

And everybody knows

I'm a fraud and a virgin,

and I can't look anybody

in the eye ever again.

You're looking me

in the eye right now.

You know, I'm pretty good at it.

Uh-huh.

Look, um.

Cassie, when you left town

the first time

it was the worst thing

that ever happened to me.

I've never forgotten about you.

I think about you all the time.

I mean,

the only reason that I'm...

the only reason

I married Heather,

is, uh... you know,

I get it, okay?

I get it. You... you had

to do what you had to do.

You had to get out of town,

you had to leave us all behind.

You had to just go do your

own thing and that's fine, okay?

I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Yeah. Yes, I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Do you have no idea

why I didn't leave town

the second after that funeral?

It's because I thought

you and your idiot friends

would be good material

for a book, but you're not.

You're just a bunch of sad, boring,

bumpkins, who were born here,

and will die here

and accomplish nothing

inbetween.

Does becoming a b*tch count

as an accomplishment?

Please leave.

I have packing to do.

Yeah, I'm going thank you.

- Tada!

- What's that for?

- It's for you.

- It's just weird.

You've never

done that before. So...

Yeah, I thought

it would be nice.

Okay. You know you don't

owe me anything, right?

That I'm not some,

like, little girl,

whose feelings have been hurt?

Relax, okay? It was...

It's just a muffin, okay?

It's not even a good one.

I gave you the one

that I dropped.

I put my notice in.

What? What are

you talking about?

This town sucks,

it's always sucked.

So...

I am out of here.

I don't want to become

like my cousin Heather.

You know, just settle for somebody

just because they're there.

You should do the same.

Or not, I don't know.

It's not really fair

for me to say it, I guess.

You do you.

All I know is that leaving here

scares the sh*t out of me,

and if you're scared of

something, it's worth doing.

So, I am gonna do that.

Anyway, thank you

for the dropped muffin.

Jay Macmaster and his wife

are gonna be delayed.

You're gonna

have to get over this.

I feel like there's a hole

inside of me, man.

Could I be perfectly frank

with you right now?

- Of course.

- Stop being such a little b*tch

and do what you want.

I want to have the orgy.

- So, have the orgy.

- I can't.

Cassie kicked everyone out.

So, how does that stop you?

If you have it, though,

I wanna come.

No, you're not getting

the commission on my house.

That's fine. I'm making

a killing in this town.

Oh, god, if I didn't want to be

you, I would hate you so much.

- What was that?

- What? Nothing, I didn't...

did you...

Okay.

Jesus Christ.

I want to rent my own apartment.

Well, I'm a bit busy

right now, okay, Seth?

I have to move out now before my mom

gets back to town, or she won't let me.

Whatever.

But you're in that house

right now all by yourself?

Yeah, she gets back next week.

Do you want to have

a party, Seth?

Why, so, so no one will show up?

- No thanks. -No, no, people will show up.

I can promise you that.

- Like, girls? -Girls, totally.

Tons of girls.

- Do they like videogames? -Yeah, yeah.

They love videogames.

- Any thing you want, yeah.

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