How To Rob A Bank

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Life, as you know it,

is stealing from you.

Literally. Minute by minute,

surcharge by surcharge...

the ubiquitous convenience of modern

life is bleeding you dry.

Nickel by nickel.

Chump change.

The dime you don't even bother bending

over to pick up on some sidewalk...

is the very same dime you get

"bent-over" for by all these "services."

You call 411,

that'll cost you 50.

You want to actually PLACE that call,

that'll cost you an additional 49.

That adds up

to guys like you and me.

By the end of the week, the day before

payday, I've got 20 bucks to my name.

But don't even think about trying

to withdraw your money.

It cost me $1.50

to get my twenty dollars.

I only have $18.50 after the freakin'

ATM takes its cut...

which means I don't have twenty

dollars, I have insufficient funds.

That's why I'm here!

Now, listen closely because

I'm about to tell you a secret.

How to beat the "system"...

and take charge of

the surcharge in life.

Sh*t! That hurts! Son of a...

- I couldn't care less you whinny little...

- Whoa there skippy.

If I wanted more verbal abuse, I'd call

some customer service center somewhere.

Sorry, didn't catch that last part?

Was that, "Sorry for being a b*tch...

I'll be nice now?"

Ouch! You...

- Ok, let's start over.

- Good idea.

What do you want?

- My twenty bucks.

- I think we covered that.

True.

So, what's your name?

Jason, Jason Taylor.

People call me Jinx though.

What's your name?

- Jessica.

- Jessica. Nice name.

You kind of look like a Jessica.

- Ok. So... what's next?

- What do you mean?

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I mean, well, I don't know.

- You don't know?

- No, not exactly.

Not exactly?

What's next?

What is your next step?

i.e. Evaluate. Execute. Exit.

What is your plan?

Have you got a plan?

Did you ever think of devising

a plan in a situation like this?

Maybe you ought to have a plan.

- Oh, boy.

- You know. No! Oh, God...

What's this?

Oh, sorry about that.

That's what they call a cell phone.

- Thanks.

- What are you going to do?

- Um, hello?

- Hello?

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello? Can you here me?

- Who's this?

- I asked you first.

- Excuse me?

- I said, who is this?

- I heard what you said.

So, who is this,

to whom am I speaking with?

- More importantly, what do you want?

- I don't know.

- You don't know?

- My twenty bucks.

Let's start over,

let's just say my name is Simon.

Ok, good enough for me.

So, Simon, what's the deal?

How do we do this?

How do we do this?

Well...

you tell me what you want,

i.e. your demands.

Then I give you what's

called a counter-offer...

giving you part of what you want,

but not everything...

so I hold a decent

bargaining position...

to deliver what it is I want.

Got it?

- I don't think I like your attitude.

- That 'a boy...

now you're beginning

to get the feel!

I want my twenty bucks...

and safely get out of here!

What we have here

is a symbiotic relationship.

Now we're cooking 'cause you want out

of there and I'd love to be in there.

And in the spirit of negotiation...

I would like to see you dead...

and you'd like to get out safely...

so let's meet in the middle

and just have you come out.

- What do you say? Big boy.

- You're kind of brutally blunt...

and to tell you the truth,

it's a bit unsettling.

I'm not so sure about this.

Whatever. Do we have a deal?

I would love to accommodate you,

except the seeing me dead part.

But, I didn't lock this door...

it sealed itself when

the alarm went off...

and I don't know how to open it.

And that's my problem, how?

I'm trapped in a vault.

I want out! I want...

Mind if I speak with him?

- What?

- Mind if I speak with him?

Yeah, sure,

wait, no, I mean no.

What are you talking about?

You are not running the show.

- I am running the show now.

- Ok. You're running the show.

Simon, he's running the show now.

I said no talking on the phone.

Please tell her everything is fine.

Just wait for now.

He says everything is fine, just...

Wait. Everybody hold on a minute!

May I make a suggestion?

Fine. Why not?

Tell him I can open the door...

but you won't allow me...

to until he guarantees

you safe passage out.

She can open the door, but...

I heard her. It's a good plan.

I give you my guarantee. 100%.

Hold up here. How can you open this

ten-ton solid steel bank vault door...

and why should I trust you?

See that computer?

That particular computer is tied

into the entire security system...

of this and every other branch

of Union Federal...

why do you think

it's kept in a vault?

Hey, what am I gonna do to you?

It's not like I've got a gun or anything.

Fine.

It's called "exploding noema".

It's a theory of psychoanalysis

to describe the exact moment...

when the brain can't

reconcile the difference...

between its perception of what should

be versus the reality of what is.

Kinda like drinking from what you

thought was one thing...

you actually drink

cigarette butts and beer.

Well that moment should

be over now...

and your brain is facing the reality

that if you get up from that chair...

this little gadget of yours will be

lots of little gadget pieces.

Stop!!! Please. Please.

That is our way out of here.

That is our key.

Literally.

Ok, now what?

We talk. You're a smart

and extremely capable woman.

I'd even go so far to say,

a serious force to be reckoned with.

You obviously know

what you are doing.

And I'll be honest, the only

authority I have here...

is a stolen Palm Pilot

and a roll of pretty durable tape.

But that's everything

now, isn't it?

So, you and I are going to talk.

You're going to give me frank and honest

answers without any attitude. Got it?

Yes. I do.

Ok then.

What's this all about?

She doesn't know.

- What was that?

- She doesn't know.

She's equipped with the codes, but

isn't briefed on what to do or the plan.

She's a hired gun.

- You're lying.

- No. He's not.

- You're lying.

- No. I'm not.

Ok then, now what?

What you're going to do is...

I was saying...

Look here you...

Ok, please, one moment.

Please... let's start over.

That's beginning to be

our theme 'round here.

So, shoot. Tell me

what I need to know.

Tell me how I can

get out of this vault...

in a way that serves

my best interest.

Namely alive.

Ok, there are key codes stored

in the Palm Pilot...

that's rather precariously

in your possession.

The codes are for the computer terminal

locked inside the vault with you...

and on that computer,

with the correct code...

is the central electronic automatic

locking control for the vault door.

And the master lock-release...

for every safety-deposit box

you see around you.

That a' boy, now we're cooking

with gasoline.

Was that so hard? I mean really.

Yes. Yes, it was actually.

Shake it off Simon.

Now that we're a little better informed

with a bit of an attitude adjustment...

let's revisit my original question.

How do we do this?

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