Hudson Hawk Page #12

the other hand... Are you going to

tell me why you did that, or are

you going to blame it on Dumbo?

HAWK:

Oh, you mean Pokey. Could you

believe that crazy elephant? The

Vatican is made of constant

mysteries meant to be enjoyed,

not explained.

ANNA:

Nice. But right out of our

brochure.

(CONTINUED)

53.

83 CONTINUED:
83

HAWK:

Oh, you read that.

ANNA:

Actually I wrote it. It's a good

sentence. It can apply to people.

HAWK:

You're somewhat of a unmysterious

thang yourself.

ANNA:

I don't steal stuffed elephants

from little girls.

(smoothing his

jacket)

My life's a little boring...

HAWK:

Yeah, mine too. Want to have some

dinner with me tonight? A nice

dull boring dinner. Scrabble,

Knock-knock jokes, anecdotes about

famous dead Italians....

ANNA:

I'll bring my entire repertoire...

The Two Flunkies stumble into the station, looking around.

Anna and Hawk crouch down.

HAWK:

And I'll bring my entourage...

ANNA:

Secret passageways don't mean as

much as they used to. There's

a place two blocks east of here.

Enzo's. Say 10:
30.

HAWK:

10:
30. Thanks for helping me get

out of there.

Hawk and Anna peck each other with a smile. He crawls

out an exit door. As he leaves, Anna's smile disappears.

She pulls out a rosary and gives herself a self-scolding

bang on the head. She then darts to a large crucifix

and looks up.

ANNA:

Father, it's obvious. He's up to

something.

(CONTINUED)

54.

83 CONTINUED:
(2) 83

Suddenly a speaker in Jesus's mouth gently crackles.

JESUS (Italian)

Report downstairs at once.

ANNA:

Yes, sir.

A84 INT. CATACOMBLIKE AREA A84

A CARDINAL paces in an enigmatic Vatican area. Anna

clacks up to him.

CARDINAL:

Did he mention the Mayflowers?

ANNA:

No, your Eminence. He's definitely

going to steal the Codex. I can

feel it, I'm not sure when...

CARDINAL:

Attempt, to steal you mean. The

vanity of this man, Hudson Hawk.

The Vatican has foiled the advances

of Pirates and Terrorists. We

will not lie down for some schmuck

from New Jersey. Must you flirt

with him so effectively?

ANNA:

That's the only way. A wise woman

once said "Polite conversation is

rarely either."

CARDINAL:

(chuckling)

Let me be the one to quote

Scripture. ...As an agent of

our organization, you are put in

awkward situations. Just

remember, Hudson Hawk is an evil,

evil man.

ANNA:

(unconvinced)

Yeah. The big E.

84 EXT. NAVONA PIAZZA--DAY 84

The evil Hawk clumsily strides around a fountain, looking

off in all directions, soft-shoes past some sedate

painters and swings into...

55.

85 INT. A BIG QUIRKY PHONE BOOTH 85

Hawk grabs up the phone and dials....

HAWK:

Yes, hello, operator. I'd like to

make a long distance collect call

to New York number... 212 555-1898.

The Mayflower limousine creeps to the edge of the piazza,

behind an oblivious Hawk.

HAWK:

What? Yeah, it's Italy, honey. I

can barely hear you too. You sound

like you're under a volcano. What?

Yes. Thank you. Buon Giorno to you.

Hawk turns, putting a finger in his ear. Seeing the

limo, he FREAKS and balls himself into a corner.

HAWK:

Come on, Tommy, pick up, you

Reindeer goat cheese-eating

motherf***er.

86 INT. TOMMY'S RESTAURANT--NIGHT 86

It is late night in New York. A phone rings atop the

bar of Tommy's restaurant with no one in sight.

87 INT. PIAZZA--DAY 87

Hawk pokes his head to see a Darwin and Minerva (holding

Bunny) emerge from the limousine. As he turns his concentration

back to the phone, TOMMY HIMSELF flows out from a

building to cheerfully speak with Darwin and Minerva and

get licked by Bunny, before they all pile into the limo.

HAWK:

Tom-my, Tom-my, come on Tommy.

Hawk slams down the phone and turns to see the limousine

pull off.

Hawk angrily bursts from the door and is painfully CLOTHESLINED

by agent Butterfinger, who is dressed as a mailman.

Crumpled on the ground, Hawk kicks out with his foot, into

Butterfinger's stomach, doubling him. Hawk then grabs him

by the head and rams into the glass of the booth.

Hawk rotates off for an escape...but the rest of the CIA

crew cuts him off holding barely concealed guns; Snickers

dressed as a maitre 'd, Almond Joy as a Bermuda-short

tourist, and Kaplan in his usual emsemble.

(CONTINUED)

56.

87 CONTINUED:
87

Kit Kat is dressed exactly like Hawk, right down to a

bloody lip. Hawk gives him a double take.

KAPLAN:

Hawk, Hawk, Hawk. Enjoying Italy?

I always had a soft spot for Rome.

Did my first barehanded strangulation

here. Communist politician.

HAWK:

Why George, you old softie...

KAPLAN:

God, I miss communism. The Red

Threat. People were scared, the

Agency had respect, and I got

laid every night.

A humiliated Butterfinger comes waddling out, holding

the phone. Kaplan rolls his eyes.

BUTTERFINGER:

Sorry, coach...

KAPLAN:

(shaking his head)

If his father wasn't the head of

... Sh*t, I hate this, the

government's got me farmed out,

working for the Mayflower

corporation now, money beats

politics. War isn't Hell anymore,

it's Dull. Don't slaughter their

men and pillage their women, just

steal their microchips.

HAWK:

You know George, if you weren't

the slimiest pinata of sh*t that

ever lived, I'd feel sorry for you.

KAPLAN:

Well, thank you.

SNICKERS:

Good news, bud, the Mayflowers

have moved up the time-table.

You're hitting the Vatican to-night.

HAWK:

Tonight? You're whacked. The

timing's off, I'm underequipped

......Damnit, I have a date!

Almond Joy smoothly extracts Hawk's notebook and reads...

(CONTINUED)

57.

87 CONTINUED:
(2) 87

ALMOND JOY:

Grapple, Biker's bottle, hairspray,

jumper cables, Pocket Fisherman, acid,

collapsible yardstick, softball, 100

stamps, and a large bottle of olive

oil. Gee Stud, this is going to be

some date. No Harvey's Bristol Cream?

KAPLAN:

Snickers, make the list happen. Oh

and it's one thing to play hide and

seek with the Mayflower's pathetic

staff, but we're sore losers. I've

put jumper cables on the nipples of

children and not always in the line

of duty.

HAWK:

Thanks for sharing.

KAPLAN:

We blow up space shuttles for breakfast.

You and your friend Tommy would be a

late afternoon Triscuit.

HAWK:

Look jerkoff, you f*** with my

friend, I'll kick all your asses.

KAPLAN:

Yeah, right. By the way, as long as

I'm getting things off my chest, I'm

the one who killed your little monkey.

Made it look like a Mafia hit. Sorry.

Ciao. I did it just for fun.

Kaplan and the crew quickly disperse in different directions

as Hawk howls in frustration. Kit Kat moves behind Hawk and

perfectly mimics him.

HAWK:

What did you have against Little

Eddie, motherf***er? He was just

a monkey who liked to laugh.

Come back without your yuppie

army. I'll triscuit you, you

space shuttle eating...Sh*t.!

Without looking, Hawk elbows the mimic Kit Kat in the

face. Kit Kat gives Hawk a strange smile and hands him

a card that reads: BEWARE THE BLUE WIRE.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes