Hudson Hawk Page #7

The cappuccino machine sparks. A perplexed Hawk takes

a couple extra seconds to back off.

HAWK:

Okay, you got me, Mr. PBS.

TOMMY:

(holding up newspaper)

Morning edition.

HAWK:

Attempted!

TOMMY:

Seems two thieves "attempted" to

steal it last night, but thanks to

three "courageous" guards, it will

be ready for tonight.

HAWK:

"Attempted." At-tempt-ted! I

didn't want to steal the thing in

the first place, but I do have my

pride. Face it, when it comes to

burglary, and sex, I....

Hawk takes the newspaper. There is a picture of the

Three Security Guards in a cheery pose behind the

"Sforza." Hawk squints to see that Security Guards One

and Two are still wearing the thumbcuffs.

HAWK:

Uh, this I don't understand...

TOMMY:

Forget about it, I mean, why try?

Eddie, you know the game, what are

you knocking yourself out for?

(CONTINUED)

31A.

48 CONTINUED:
(2) 48

HAWK:

(hurdling the bar)

Because I'm tired of not

understanding things.

32.

48 CONTINUED:
(3) 48

HAWK (CONT'D)

Cops, Mafia, and butlers forcing me

to commit a crime which now it appears

I didn't commit at all --It's all too

f***ing peculiar for me. Let me ask

you a question. How much does a new

tuxedo cost?

TOMMY:

You're not thinking of actually going

to this... Leave it alone. We got a

saloon to run. Together. I'll put

back up Captain Bob's steering wheel...

HAWK:

How much does a new tuxedo cost?

TOMMY:

Okay, you go if you want to go to the

auction. But I'll be a son of a b*tch

if I'm paying for a (buying you a) new

tuxedo.

49 INT. RUTHERFORD'S AUCTION HOUSE--NIGHT 49

Dressed in his not-quite-fitting but suave blazer, Hawk

enters the now well-lit auction house auditorium (chairs

all set out). Bored WORKMEN in coveralls lug equestrian

items on to a podium from the familiar freight elevator.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

... fan-taas-tic example of

Florentine bronze... Who will start

at 140,000? 40,000... 160,000...

180,000... 240,000.

Someone raises their paddle as Hawk passes beneath the

hanging horses and finds an aisle seat near the stage.

AN ENCHANTINGLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN suddenly takes the

aisle seat next to him. Hawk inhales some smitten

steam as she concentrates on the stage.

HAWK:

All these years (of attending

auctions) (coming to these auctions),

I still get goosebumps. The paintings,

the sculptures.... the things that

aren't really paintings or sculptures...

THE WOMAN:

....the pretentious vultures who don't

even look up from their calculators to

see what they're buying. Now that gives

me goosebumps. Auctions are disgusting.

(CONTINUED)

33.

49 CONTINUED:
49

HAWK:

I couldn't agree more. Savages.

The Woman laughs at his gear switch then catches herself.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

Lot Fifteen, an equestrian piece

attributed to the Cellini school..

Who will start at 250,000...?

50 AUCTION ENTRANCE 50

Big Stan, the hefty guard from the heist, enters the area

wearing a blue ribbon.

51 AUCTION AREA 51

Big Stan is walking in back of the seated bidders: An

oblivious Hawk in the foreground starts to scan VARIED

BIDDER-TYPES, raising their paddles to babble out dollar

figures; a GAUDY ROCK STAR and his GLOOMY-CHIC ENTOURAGE,

A KING FAROUK-TYPE with a BORED TEENAGE AMERICAN HOOKER,

and a scary NORDIC PRINCESS in a monocle and a tiara.

THREE STANDING ASSISTANTS frantically man a table of

phones set up down before the stage. One raises his

arm.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

Sold! To the caller from

Newfoundland.

A STYLISH FEMALE ASSISTANT takes out an impressive replica

of the "Sforza" from the safe behind the podium and brings

it to the Auctioneer. The crowd a-a-hs...Hawk laughs

and shakes his head.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

And finally, Lot number 17,

thought to be lost in the war,

and again last night, the Da

Vinci "Sforza," the jewel of the

sale. Fan-taas-tic...

HAWK:

(re:
Auctioneer)

Is looking like a constipated

warthog a prerequisite to getting

a job in the art world?

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

There have naturally been questions

of its authenticity, so to verify

we have Doctor Anna Baragli of the

Vatican. Doc?

(CONTINUED)

34.

51 CONTINUED:
51

ANNA:

(rising, to Hawk)

Some of us warthogs are more

constipated than others.

Hawk uneasily laughs as Anna makes her way up the stage

and pulls out a large magnifying glass. A look of

distress passes over her face. Hawk closes his eyes in

anticipation.

ANNA:

(suddenly serene)

Perfection. The Vatican extends

its jealousy to the lucky bidder.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

We'll begin the bidding at 20

million dollars. To you, sir.

20 point 5. Twenty-one. Your bid

madame --twenty-one point 5. Twenty-

two. Twenty-two point 5.

Hawk opens his eyes in confusion. He scans Anna coming

off the stage, gliding toward the phone table. Hawk

floats into the aisle, curling toward her as she picks

up a phone and murmurs into it.

DARWIN MAYFLOWER

100 million clams (smackers), Waldo!

The crowd orgasms as Vanity Fair cover boy, DARWIN

MAYFLOWER works the aisle, playfully mussing up the

appreciative, tiaraed Princess's hair, giddily highfiving

the Rock Star, and smooching the Hooker.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

100 million dollars to Mr. Darwin

Mayflower.

Hawk turns to gaze at the enigmatically familiar figure.

Anna looks up from the phone to do the same. She

swerves her attention to the back-turned Hawk.

Darwin moves to one of two reserved empty seats as his

wife, Minerva, makes her entrance par excellahnce. She is

outrageously dressed with a mammoth Tiffany watch that

extends from her wrist down to, acting as a leash,

her obnoxious little dog, BUNNY.

MINERVA:

100 million and one. Waldo.

(CONTINUED)

HUDSON HAWK -Rev. 8/8/90 35.

51 CONTINUED:
(2) 51

Darwin, to the crowd's delight, holds his struck heart.

DARWIN:

Outbid by my own wench, quelle

bummere.

MINERVA:

Don't hate me, baby... Bunny.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

Fan-taas-tic, the bid is at 100

million and one dollars. Any more bids?

Commencing a slow motion sequence, Big Stan comes out

of a nearby door, zipping up his fly. He immediately

scopes Hawk in the space before the stage.

The Mayflowers lower themselves into their seats with

devoured canary smiles.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

Go-ing!

Big Stan pulls out his gun, untheatrically, as not to

cause a scene. Anna sees this and follows Big Stan's

eyeline to Hawk.

Hawk turns to re-pursue but stops dead at the sight of

the gloating Big Stan.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

Go-ing!

Big Stan launches a gallop toward Hawk, who spins and

veers back round up the aisle.

The Mayflowers zero their sights on the activity.

ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER

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