Human Nature Page #4

Her roommate runs back and forth getting ready for her date.

FEMALE ROOMMATE:

I don't know why you didn't tell me

about this.

LILA:

It's embarrassing, okay?

FEMALE ROOMMATE:

It's not so bad.

(beat)

So, it just keeps growing?

LILA:

Yeah, Natalie. It's hair. It grows.

FEMALE ROOMMATE:

Well, don't jump down my throat. I'm

just trying to help.

LILA:

How is that helping, Natalie? How

exactly?

FEMALE ROOMMATE:

Look, if you're going to be like

that... You should be appreciative

that I'm interested.

LILA:

Why, because I'm a freak and you are

beautiful, and you are being nice

enough to come down to my freak,

nonbeautiful level and act concerned

about my repulsive troubles?

FEMALE ROOMMATE:

(pegged)

You're f***ed up, Lila.

(out the door)

Why don't you f***ing try electrolysis

or something? Figure it out for

chrissake.

The door slams. Lila hugs her knees to her chest.

LILA (V.O.)

At sixty dollars an hour, electrolysis

was not a feasible solution. I

explored my alternatives.

CUT TO:

INT. ART MUSEUM - DAY

Twelve year old Lila walks sadly through an art museum. she

looks at various old portraits of men. She studies their

facial hair. When she turns a corner, she is shocked to see

a large Renaissance painting of a naked woman entirely covered

with fur. She hurries to it. She looks at the placard next

to the painting. It is a painting of Mary Magdalene.

LILA (V.O.)

I remember once coming across a

painting of Mary Magdalene entirely

covered with fur. I guess that's

where I got the idea that maybe the

Catholic Church might be a place

that encouraged excessive hair growth

in its women.

INT. CONVENT - DAY

Lila, in a nun's habit, is on her knees praying.

LILA (V.O.)

So I became a nun.

LILA:

Heavenly Father...

(sighs)

...please let this hair go away.

LILA (V.O.)

But my prayers were always so selfish.

CUT TO:

EXT. FIELD - NIGHT

A bunch of naked women dance and chat around a campfire.

Lila is there, pretty hairy. So are many of the other women.

LILA (V.O.)

I tried being a lesbian separatist.

LESBIANS:

(chanting)

A woman without a man / Is like a

fish without a bicycle.

LILA (V.O.)

But I guess I just wasn't attracted

to women, even hostile, man-hating,

hairy ones who wore sensible shoes.

CUT TO:

INT. TENT - DAY

Lila, in a full beard, sits on a throne before a crowd of

gawking, dumb-looking, mouth-breathing children. Next to her

on a separate stage is a sour-looking, middle-aged midget

man sitting on a throne, staring blankly into space.

LILA (V.O.)

For a while I was a professional

circus freak.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TENT - DAY

Lila, in a Santa suit, with beard sprayed white, sits on a

throne in front of a crowd of gawking, dumb-looking, mouth-

breathing children. One of them is on her lap. Next to her

sits the sour midget, dressed in an elf suit.

LILA (V.O.)

During the holiday season, they made

us wear costumes.

LILA:

(depressed)

Ho ho ho.

KID ON HER LAP:

That's not real.

The kid pulls Lila's beard.

LILA:

Ow! You little f***.

LILA (V.O.)

Aside from the great dental, this

occupation was not pleasant.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

Lila walks home. She's wrapped in winter clothing, but we

can still see a bit of her white beard. It's snowing. The

street is deserted. She spots a lighted window, she peers

in. It's a warm family scene. Large group of chatting,

laughing people. Fire in the fireplace. Big turkey on the

table.

LILA (V.O.)

They say the holidays are difficult

for a lot of people.

Lila looks down the street and sees dozens of lonely-looking

people peering forlornly in warmly lit windows. Some on

ladders to peer in second-floor windows. Lila sighs.

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