Human Traffic Page #4

You know I'm saying to ya?

Anyway, town's gonna be

full of horny men,

do you know what I mean?

F*** it, f*** it!

All your best friends

who love you. They love you.

They all want you

to be there, yeah?

Come on. We'll go

an absolute f***ing ride.

Me and you. Absolute mayhem.

Come on. We'll take the piss.

Absolute chaos. What are you saying?

Come on. Yeah?

- All right! You got me!

- I wanna hear you say yes!

- Yes! Yes!

- Yes! Yes!

- Yes!

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

- See you later, babe.

- [ Laughs ]

Oh! He who dares, wins.

He who dares, my son.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Hold on a minute. Hello?

Eh, eh, eh, eh!

How's it going, you big

Cockney space case?

- Shut it.

- Listen, did you manage

to sell that ticket...

for tonight's

spiritual gathering?

- No, mate. No, not at all. No.

- Ah! Nice one!

- Why? Who needs one? Who, who?

- Lulu.

- Oh, sweet as. Sweet as, mate.

- Cool, cool.

- [ Man ] Matthew!

- Oh, for f***'s sake.

I'll catch you later, mate.

Don't go changing to try

and please me, all right?

- Yeah, nice one, "bruv." Yeah.

- Oh, nice one, brother.

- Nice one, brother!

- Nice one, brother!

I said nice, bruv!

- Nice one, brother!

- I said nice, bruv!

- F***ing nice one, brother!

- Nice one, bruv--

- Brother!

- F*** off!.

- Come on!

- [ Jip Narrating ]

The weekend has landed.

All that exists now is clubs,

drugs, pubs and parties.

I've got 48 hours

off from the world, man.

I'm gonna blow steam out of

my head like a screaming kettle.

I'm gonna talk codshit

to strangers all night.

I'm gonna lose the plot

on the dance floor.

The free radicals inside me

are freaking, man.

Tonight I'm Jip Travolta.

I'm Peter Popper.

I'm going to Never Never Land

with my chosen family, man.

We're gonna get more spaced out

than Neil Armstrong ever did.

Anything could happen tonight,

you know? This could be

the best night of my life.

I've got 73 quid

in my back burner.

I'm gonna wax the lot, man.

The Milky Bars are on me! Yeah!

Calling all the crusaders

to the dance floor in green-light mode.

- [ Shouts ]

- Disco queens,

club casualties, come on!

Let's join forces!

Let's hoof it! Ah!

[ Indistinct Rap Song ]

[ Chuckling ]

[ Jip Narrating ]

But first a daily injection of

the late prophet Bill Hicks...

just to remind me

not to take life too seriously.

[ Hicks ] It's not

a very popular idea.

You don't hear it very often anymore,

but it's the truth.

I have taken drugs before,

and, uh--

- I had a real good time.

[ Laughter]

Didn't murder anybody,

didn't rob anybody,

didn't rape anybody,

didn't beat anybody,

didn't lose, um, one f***ing job.

[ Laughter]

- Laughed my ass off...

and went about my day.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Sorry.

[ Man ] We are from weekend music live

and direct from the world famous studios, of course,

of Radio One here, the Essential Selection,

- Look to the magical elements, all go to make up

the golden thing we call the weekend--

- Come on!

[ Laughing ]

Who the f*** do you think

you are, you twat?

Why don't you come through

the door like everyone else?

Because I'm not

everybody else, fool.

Eh, don't make me, f***ing, prove

my masculinity to you now,

do you know what I mean?

Masculinity, what?

Testosterone's flowing, bro, eh?

- Violence is inevitable, mate.

- Oh, I smells a glassin'

in the air, boys, is it?

- Glassing is it? F*** you!

- F*** you! F*** you!

[ Shouting, Indistinct ]

[ Together]

...mighty feet old man!

- [ Laughing ]

- [ Laughing ] Come on!

So what, you want a mission tonight then, or what?!

I'm all revved up, I'm all revved up.

I'm ready to paint the town psycadelic ?pillows?, everything, man.

- Battyman and Robin. You now what I mean? Let's go, ain't sh*t.

- The only way out, right. The only way out.

Steroids, ketamine,

laughing gas. Bring'em all here.

What do you say? We'll do a f***ing armed robbery

in boots on the comedown.

- Is it?

- Is it.

Come on!

[ Music playing ]

Hey, mate.

Mate, have you seen "Taxi Driver"?

[ Note:
A film from 1976 with R. de Niro ]

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Hey, mate, can you relate

to it, sort of thing?

- Yeah.

- Yeah? F***.

Do you understand?

You could be Cardiff's answer

to Travis Bickel,

on a timer

waiting to explode.

Can you f***ing believe that?

I mean, can you imagine doing that?

Imagine doing a Travis.

I mean, f***ing hell!

See me, I'd have to take

a celebrity with me.

Someone like, um--

What's his name? Uh, er, uh--

What's his name?

Uh-- British pop throb.

You know? Built like

a brick shithouse, he is.

Uh, ugly f***.

Peter Andre. Peter Andre, yeah.

I couldn't just

shoot him first, though, mate.

You're having a laugh, isn't you?

[ Laughs ]

Oh, no. That's be like

having the cream cake whole

without it touching the sides.

You know what I mean?

I believe it would be quite rude

not to torture him first.

Do you know what I mean

though, mate, do ya?

Thumbscrews instantly spring to mind.

[ Snickering ]

You know, followed by an intense session

of electrodes on the testicles.

Yeah, yeah, a f***ing,

uh, uh, a wire coat hanger

down the Jap's eyes.

Do you know what I mean?

Really f***ing hurt the geezer,

do you know what I mean?

And finally,

a bullet between the eyes.

And it's time to say hello

to the, to the horned man...

you've been working on Earth

for all this time, Pete!

See you later on, Pete!

No one gives a f*** about you!

[ Imitates Shotgun ]

F***ing hell, mate.

- Right.

- Here, here.

F***ing good film, though.

mate, ain't it, eh? God!

[ Jip Narrating ]

Friday night's ceremony is always...

to hook up in a bar

and wind up the weekend.

We've all got to try and get

on the same level together...

so we feel like a unit

when we hit the club.

The music we love brought us together

and so did the music we hate.

- The Spice Girls.

- Boyzone.

- Dannii Minogue.

- Aqua.

- Ricky f***in' Martin.

- The Backstreet Boys.

- Uh, 911.

- Hanson.

What gets me, right, is that

these talentless wankers...

have the opportunity

to reach an international

audience, right,

say something profound

instead of--

" Oh, baby, I'm all alone

on the phone "

" I'm 14 years old

with a broken heart "

F***ing cheese

on toast bollocks.

F***ing embarrassing, mate,

ain't it?

Embarrassing to watch the

little f***ing hussy f***ers.

[ Jip Narrating ]

She's funny, she's cool, she's gorgeous.

Oh, sh*t, I fancy her, man.

No, I can't.

She's my mate.

- I'm gonna piss.

- Get it in, my son. Go, my son.

Calm down. That's only a piss, man.

I am out of my nuts.

I'm telling you, we're in for

one f***ing night, mate.

Believe me.

I'm telling you.

You f***ing stick with me.

I'll look after you.

I'll tell you that now,you've

never buzzed like you ever

buzz with me. Do you hear me?

[ Lee Narrating ]

Oh, I thought I was just

gonna drop and have a blender.

What's all this sh*t

about mind altering?

What's gonna happen to me?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote