Hurlyburly Page #2

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to my house to meet

my best friend and roommate.

Why do we have

to go through this?

I'm just trying to tell a story.

Nobody's to blame.

Certainly not you.

You came to me.

You'd experienced these vibes...

between you and Darlene,

isn't that what you said?

Couldn't you have said no?

Couldn't you have

categorically said no?

But you said, Eddie, you said...

"Everybody's free, Mickey."

That is what you said.

Look, I just want to verify

for you, Mickey...

everybody is free!

So, what's this, then?

You mean this conversation?

This is just me

trying to maintain...

a viable relationship

with reality.

OK? I want to make sure

I haven't drifted off...

into some solitary, paranoid

fantasy system...

of my own totally unfounded

and idiosyncratic invention.

I want to be in reality.

You want me to be in reality?

Personally, I want us both

to be in reality. Come on!

Absolutely. That's what I want.

I want us both to be in reality.

Absolutely.

Generals.

Casting.

So, you cover the generals,

I'll take this Turner meeting?

Or you take the meeting,

I'll do the generals.

I'll do the generals.

Good. Anything else

we need to cover?

Oh, I was wondering.

You came in this morning about...

something like 6:02.

So dinner must have

been successful.

I mean, these vibes.

Must have been serious.

I mean, sustaining, right?

Right. Yeah. You know.

Or does it mean that...

and I'm just trying to get

the facts straight here...

does it mean that you...

f***ed her?

Right.

Did I f*** Darlene?

Last night?

Tiffany, can you confirm lunch?

I'm on my way out.

What I mean is...

things happen.

But if this bothers you...

I don't have to see her again.

I mean that.

It's not worth our friendship.

You know that.

Mickey, the last thing I want...

is to interfere

with any possibility...

for happiness in your life.

Believe me, Eddie,

this was not a possibility...

for happiness in my life.

It was in mine!

It was such a possibility

in mine!

I think maybe

you might have things...

a little out of proportion.

Yeah, so? Do me a breakdown.

I think that maybe

she's not as dynamite a lady...

as you might think, that's all.

F*** you!

Go!

You always go a little crazy

about women.

You want to let it go?

Just let it go!

I think it's important you

think about the possibility...

You won't think about it?

Are you bad-mouthing Darlene

to get off the hook?

Don't think you can do that!

It's not that

I don't understand.

It's that I do understand.

I'm just not so f***ing

sophisticated...

as to be

beyond the entire thing.

You know what I mean?

My heart is broken.

Absolutely.

You didn't tell us

you got married.

Oh, her?

No, I found her on the elevator.

You want her?

What do you mean?

I mean, it's too crowded...

Artie, the pool.

Right. She wants to go swimming

in the pool.

You do? Hi, I'm Mickey.

I'd love to watch you swimming

in our pool.

Great, Mickey.

I'm Donna.

Cute, Artie. Very cute.

So, you want her, huh?

You keep saying that, Artie.

You know, I was going out

for coffee this morning...

and she's on

the goddamn elevator.

I come back. There she is.

An hour later,

that's a coincidence.

But then I come back

from lunch...

she's on the elevator.

She's living in the elevator.

She said her boyfriend

tried to kill her...

so she was staying

off the street.

Why'd he try to kill her?

She said he was moody.

So I took her in,

then figured I don't need her.

And maybe you guys need her...

because I figured, you know,

hey, you're desperate guys.

So I figured on the way over

to the studio I'd drop her by...

and you can keep her

like a little care package.

So you're giving her to us?

What are we supposed

to do with her?

He needs an instruction manual.

Does she come with one?

This is a perfectly viable

piece of ass I've brought...

and you're acting like, what?

Are we in sync or not?

So she'll be like this pet.

Is that what you're saying?

And we can keep her...

and f*** her if we want to?

- Right.

- Sure.

Just to stay in practice

in case you run into a woman.

I guess he hasn't heard

about Darlene.

I guess you haven't heard

about Darlene, Artie.

Don't start that again.

Mickey has gotten himself

involved...

with this

truly dynamite b*tch...

in a very serious relationship.

So I don't think he's gonna

have much interest...

In this bimbo you brought by...

for fear of contaminating

his feelings.

Is that the same Darlene, Eddie?

'Cause you had a Darlene.

Mickey, did you guys switch?

I miss everything.

You're in a serious

relationship?

That's terrific.

Except I'm not serious

about anything, Artie.

You want to live with us

for a while, Donna?

All right. I gotta go.

All she's gotta do for me...

is come by my apartment a couple

times a day and walk my dog.

Right.

What if she runs away?

No, she...

You're getting me wet.

Don't get me wet.

Go see Mickey.

Go see him.

He's right over there.

She worked

the last time I used her.

If you want a guarantee,

call the manufacturer.

I'm not the manufacturer,

all right?

You're the retailer.

From the look in your eye...

I'm the goddamn

charity organization.

Thank you.

God.

So where are you going?

You got a meeting?

I'm having a drink with Ross.

You and Ross,

you got a deal, right?

As a matter of fact,

things look good.

They look very good. I mean...

who can tell in this town?

Did he write the check?

If he wrote the check,

you got a deal.

OK, so he didn't yet.

Then you don't yet.

If he didn't yet, you don't yet.

Why are you being

such a prick to me?

Envy.

I didn't think you knew.

You're parked over there.

You think I don't know

what I'm feeling?

Well, it happens.

So...

if Artie hadn't invited

you off this elevator...

would you still be on it?

I saw some interesting things

when I was on it.

Like what?

Different people.

I mean, you could hear

the conversations.

Some talked about the rooms

and the hotel carpeting.

There was sometimes desperation.

You couldn't get a handle on it.

And they talked about

their clothes.

So you would have evidently

starved to death...

just mesmerized by

this spellbinding panorama...

on this elevator

if it hadn't been for Artie.

I'd have got off to eat.

I think I took too many Valium.

What time is it?

Look at this.

Artie brought her by.

For us, like a care package.

What do you mean?

A care package.

For you and I, not Mickey.

What?

No, didn't you hear him?

This is a care package...

for guys without

serious relationships.

This is a care package

for guys like Phil and I.

Guys who are not having

any serious relationship.

What are you guys talking about?

F***ing you.

You want to go upstairs, Donna?

Seriously, I'm involved in this?

You're a son of a b*tch!

No. Not for you, Mickey.

I said no!

What are you gonna do?

What, you came out here

to get in the movies?

- We were hitchhiking.

- Yeah? Where to?

The Grand Canyon.

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