Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate

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1

[wolf howling]

(distant voices)

Deb or Deborah, never Debbie.

Leave the faggy ties

at home, okay?

I'm f***in' this cat.

You just hold the legs.

Got it?

See you never, flame sauce.

[snoring]

She put the MILF

in Milford High.

Now, she's behind bars!

Debbie Ward, a former

Texas Teacher of the Year...

...tried to rig

last year's contest

so her daughter could win.

Ow! Sh*t!

Yeah, she kidnapped

her daughter's main rival,

a Miss Bianca del Rio,

who I was shocked

to find out was a dude.

She basically

got our teacher fired

for just being gay!

That's when the notorious

New York homosexual

returned to Milford High as

the fabulous Bianca del Rio.

Now she don't even

look like a woman!

What kind of unnatural woman?!

He's biting me!

(Reporter) A snake attack

at a local high school.

Did her breast implants

save her life?

[screaming]

Then Miss del Rio

got her revenge,

and it was so good.

This is not true!

This is a conspiracy!

Vice Principal Deborah Ward

exposed as

the infamous Miss First.

Taker of underaged

male virginities.

Okay, you don't have to push me.

That tampering Texas temptress,

Debbie Ward,

maintains her innocence.

And to this day insists that

Bianca del Rio, not she...

...is the one who should be

locked up in the County Jail.

Lock her up!

Lock her up!

Rise and shine, b*tch!

[gasps]

What are you doin' here?

You wanted me punished?

Well, here I am.

Who'd have thought

they'd make us cellmates.

Life's pretty f***ed up,

isn't it?

This can't be happenin'.

We're gonna be prison pals.

We're gonna eat together.

We're gonna sleep

in the same cell.

We're gonna watch

each other on the toilet.

Help! Someone get me

out of here!

We're gonna be together

a long time, you and I.

No hard feelings, Debbie.

I might even

give you a makeover.

You'd look really pretty bald.

[chuckles]

Now, make sure

no one's coming,

cause I've got to take

a huge dump,

and boy is it is gonna stink!

[screaming loudly]

Bianca!

One more night terror

for the road, I guess.

Lucky you.

Now get up.

Time for your release.

Take a seat.

We just have some forms

for you to fill out and, uh,

a little somethin' special

before you go.

I just want to thank you.

This whole experience has

been a revelation for me.

I'm a new woman.

Sure you are.

You know I was worried that

bein' in solitary for so long

that you might have missed out

on some of the pleasures

that prison life has to offer.

Oh, but I didn't.

That first night in solitary,

with the cockroaches

crawling around my ears,

I didn't think

I was gonna make it.

But then, I saw him.

Saw who?

My Lord and Savior,

Jesus Christ.

I smashed a cockroach up against

the wall with my bare hands

and there he was

in the goo, the face of Jesus!

And right then,

I knew I was born again.

Again.

Okay, I don't think

that's a thing.

Oh, it is.

I baptized myself in

the toilet just to be sure.

And now that I'm gettin' out,

I'm gonna do the work

God intended me to do.

Charity sh*t or somethin'?

I'm gonna kill Bianca del Rio!

Excuse me?

With kindness.

I'm gonna kill her

with Christian kindness.

That's one crazy b*tch.

She can't even spell.

Look at this sh*t.

[thunder rumbling]

Watch out, Bianca del Rio.

[smacks lips]

I'm comin' for ya!

Isn't anyone gonna pick me up?

Ow! No!

[maniacal laughter]

[school bell ringing]

No, no, Melanie.

I'm pretty sure

that the Earth is round.

- Hey, Mr. Martinez?

- Uh, yeah.

Can you tell me

about Sputnik again?

Oh, look at you,

taking interest in class.

Isn't Sputnik

Russian for potato?

Well, actually, Sputnik was

launched in 1957.

You remember that year...

That was the year that your

grandmother slept with her uncle

and gave birth

to your dad-cousin.

[all laughing]

- Bye, Mr. Martinez.

- Bye, kids.

Listen, make sure you get

those term papers done.

They are due in a week.

And I know you potheads

don't want to spend

your spring break

doing homework.

Surprise, b*tch!

Oh! Oh, ho-ho!

What are you doing here?

And Rex.

Ooh... Ooh...

Where is Bailey?

Oh, honey, I left Bailey

kenneled up in New York City.

She's fine.

But Rex here

is a helpless baby person

and she couldn't be

left alone, so tada!

[loudly] Hello, Rex.

How was rehab?

This bar looks closed.

That's cause it's

a high school, baby.

You expect Rex to know

what a high school is?

He was educated

in a Barbie Dream House.

When you pull the string,

the elevator goes up.

Ooh, Science 101.

Oh, Mama, it's gotten worse.

I asked her for directions

on the way here.

She pointed at the windshield

and said...

We're going that way.

Well, I'm glad to see

not much has changed.

Especially not in this

small-ass Texas town.

B*tch, it still looks like 1865.

Why are you still here?

Well, someone has to

teach these inbred twats

that the world is older

than those pants.

Really, girl?

Navy blue capri-length

at your age?

My age?

You have been gone from

New York City for a while.

These came back.

This bar looks dead

and I finished my drink.

Wait a minute. Have you

been drinking lighter fluid?

I'm hoping that's just

alcohol in a flask

because she downed the last

of my Xanax with that sh*t.

Thought they were Mentos.

The fresh maker.

She should be dead, right?

Years ago.

Come on. Let's give you

a ride to your place.

Come on, girl,

I got my car back!

- Did you get your license back?

- Well, technically, no.

Oh, come on, Rex baby.

Put her in back. Baby seat.

I think the lesson is:

make sure your husband's penis

isn't inside the sink drain

before you turn on

the garbage disposal.

Thanks for the tip!

And later in the show

we've got Marsha Marshall,

who is gonna show us

ten different ways

to decorate your cat for Easter.

Meow!

But first, back in the news,

in the headlines, Russia.

Vladimir Putin has assigned

a new Prime Minister of

Homosexual Propaganda,

Svetslap Zlopa

Svetlana Zlopasnost.

Oh! Well, there you go.

That is a mouthful.

Yikes!

She looks like fun at a party.

Unless your party is gay,

because those are illegal!

That's right,

you Russian queers.

Don't even think about

decorating your cat for Easter.

You might land in jail.

[chuckles]

Does Russia

even celebrate Easter?

Other countries

are just so weird.

[TV audio]

Oh, don't talk bad about Russia

They might hack your emails.

Mama, you're back!

What happened?

They released me.

No one was there to pick me

up, so I had to walk home.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

It's okay.

Walk did me good.

Gave me time to clear my head

and to think.

I came up with six new ways

to get Bianca del Rio fired

and out of our lives.

All I need is a t-shirt cannon

and four live raccoons.

Mama, you need to forget her.

After the trial

and all that publicity,

there's nothing the district

can do to get rid of her.

It's over.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not gonna let

Bianca del Rio win.

- Uh-uh!

- Well, we need money.

We're two payments behind

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