Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate Page #2

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on the mortgage.

Rent-A-Center

repossessed the recliner.

And remember

how my b*obs popped?

Of course.

The doctors says if I can't

get on next season of Botched"

it's gonna be $10,000

for reconstructive surgery.

That's if I want them

the same size.

- As before?

- As each other!

Mama, we are broke.

These little schemes of yours

just make things worse.

Is this what you want?

A world where freaks

and homosexuals

get to do whatever they desire?

Nuh-uh.

I did not pray to

President Trump every morning

to turn this country into

a big transgender toilet.

How are we gonna

make America great again

with Bianca del Rio still in it?

Oh!

Where's my chair?

It's okay, Mama.

We're gonna get you a job

and we're gonna get back

on our feet again,

get me back into a bra again.

Oh, prison was so hard!

Carly, you don't even know!

I'd eat soup with a spork.

Our Christmas eggnog

was spiked with Old Spice.

Gettin' revenge on Bianca

was the only thing

gettin' me through.

There, there, Mama.

What are you watchin'?

Texas Today.

I never miss a show.

(TV) Some human rights

activists are mad

because in Russia

they can throw anyone

they even suspect of being gay

in jail without a trial.

Well, you know me.

- I don't hate the homosexuals.

- No.

Even after Roger burned my neck

with a curling iron last week -

and I still think

it was on purpose.

But, you know, you could

still be fired here

just for bein' gay.

But that doesn't mean

you have to be mad about it

and start waving your hands

in the air with a hot iron.

You should be grateful

for what you have.

Exactly.

Just because it's legal

to discriminate against anyone

at a bakery anytime, anywhere,

at least we're not

throwin' you in prison.

Right.

You think Texas is bad,

you should try to go

to Saudi Arabia, Roger!

It's worse than Russia.

They throw homosexuals

off buildings there.

My God, that is not fun

and it's very humid.

Nice dress, Deborah.

When Rent-A-Center

took your recliner,

I see they left you

with the fabric.

[maniacal laughter]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[maniacal laughter]

Maybe those terrorist Arabs

are onto something.

Ah, great.

Another episode of

"Little House on the Dreary."

Where does Ma Ingalls

keep her moonshine?

The alcohol's above the sink

in the kitchen.

Anything under the sink

is poison.

So help yourself to

whatever you want down there.

I cannot believe that you

brought Rex in effect here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I thought he needed

a change of scenery,

and he's not the only one.

Seriously.

Here you are.

You're still

at that same school,

still in this same

old raggedy-ass house.

Uh, girl, I moved.

Still in a new raggedy house,

still with those glasses.

And I know damn well that

Lasik has made it to Texas.

Baby, you know they'll take

any excuse they can

to shoot someone

in the face around here.

I am so glad that you drove

all the way from Fire Island

in a rented car

to criticize my life.

Me, too, sis.

Great catchin' up.

Okay, listen.

I'm fine here.

- Did ya get the raise?

- No.

Sleepin' with the hot coach?

- No!

- Then how is any of this fine?

And I'm not even talkin' about

those hideous-ass curtains.

- Ah...

- Listen.

Bianca made you sort of famous.

Well, gay famous,

which is like straight famous

except you don't make

as much money.

And in America, the only reason

to be famous is to -

say it with me now -

get laid and get paid.

Yeah. I read your shirt.

I made that shirt...

and this.

I make things.

I'm a maker...

the fresh maker.

Weeee!

[Rex gurgles]

Yeah... Uh, listen.

You need more Bianca

in your life.

No! Bianca is upstairs

in the closet where she belongs.

Nobody wants to see

anymore Bianca,

much less Bianca

teaching Chemistry.

Bianca does not

just have to teach.

Look, Ambrosia Salad's been

wearing that same ass-green wig

and same broken-down heels

since Stonewall,

and she's still making

the money, honey.

What is so wrong with me

being here teaching?

That's what I moved here to do.

- Well...

- There's a...

You know what!

Enough about me.

Okay... Better question.

Are you staying for dinner?

Yes or no? Because I've got

a box of wine

that isn't gonna drink itself.

A girl's night in?

Mm-hmm.

You had me at box, b*tch.

[both laughing]

Come on, girl.

Don't sh*t in my skillet!

Ooh, sh*t.

I made coffee.

What happened last night?

I can't remember anything.

This is vodka!

It's coffee-flavored.

You b*tches put me

through it last night

and that is not helping.

- Oh, girl.

- Oh!

You're just out of practice,

that's all.

Yeah. It's as easy

as falling off a bike.

I never forget how.

We had fun...

and you let loose.

And we even got a little

Bianca del Rio up in there.

What? Oh! God.

Oh...

I'm not sure this is progress.

I finally met the famous

Bianca del Rio.

And she's a lot more fun

than you, believe me.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, wh-

what's with the bags?

Under your eyes?

Just passin' through, honey.

Bye, girls.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Where are you going?

Where are you going?!!

I know you just didn't come

here for an intervention.

No, but I could have.

Now sister, listen.

What I say next to you,

I say with the light of

the sweet Baby Jesus.

Look at what you've become -

an elderly woman living alone

on a fixed income.

You make money, but you

never make enough to leave.

That's called Texas Holdem.

I think I have a deck

of cards in my ass.

Look, I'm from here.

I know how it is.

Pull Bianca

out of that genie bottle

and make your escape now.

Oh, great!

And just go back to New York

with the two of you?

Oh, not New York, honey.

I am going to Hollywood.

Well, technically,

Long Beach, but...

It's like Hollywood

but for lesbians and fat people.

I'm performing on a cruise ship.

Cruise ship? How are you gonna

take Rex on a cruise ship?

He can barely

stand up on dry land.

Oh, I'm not going.

I'm staying here with you.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

- No, no.

- Ah, yes.

No! You are not

leaving me with this thing!

Maybe the sweet Texas sun

has made your brain soft.

Rex is your problem;

Bailey is mine.

That's how this whole

Little Sisters, Big Messes

program works.

I have been gone

for over a year.

Rex is no longer my problem.

When you temporarily left,

you took your little goldfish,

but you left your

not-quite fish with me.

Now I've got bigger fish to fry,

so Rex is yours again.

(Rex) I'm fine.

I just need some electrolytes.

- No, no, no, no...

- Oh, yes...

Get out of my car!

You did not

bring him here before.

Why are you

bringing him here now?

Because before he had a man,

but since he swallowed

that bag of pennies, well...

Is this Red Bull or Gatorade?

That's antifreeze!

Get away from there!

Ha, ha! I told you

you'd be a good mom,

and not just because

of your hips.

Your life was empty.

I gave it purpose.

You're welcome, b*tch.

- No, no, no, no.

- You're welcome!

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