Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate Page #3

---

- Do not do this to me.

- I'm goin', b*tch.

Do not do this to me.

- Write me on the cruise.

- Stephen, this is not fair!

I hope you fall on

the propeller, you nasty b*tch.

- No!

- Oh, yes!

I'll never let go, Jack.

Go fish!

F***!

Weee!

I thought you were

nocturnal creatures.

Go on, get out of here!

Get out of here!

Keep your Bianca faces

away from me.

Look, Mama.

I'm pretty again.

Yeah. It looks like

you're smuggling

fenders across the border.

Don't worry, Carly.

You'll get your

real fake b*obs soon.

I've got a plan.

A job plan, right?

Not an overly

complicated revenge plot.

Got bit by those raccoons,

by the way.

What's the worst place on Earth?

Texas in July?

Worse than Texas.

Bigger than Texas.

Stricter than Texas.

Russia?

That's where vodka gets born.

And elections get stolen.

Who cares

when you're the winner!

An all-expense-paid,

first class ticket to Moscow.

This smells like a scam.

Don't look a gift whore

in the mouth,

because she probably has

jacked-up teeth. [giggles]

I mean, how did I win a contest

that I didn't even enter?

Because you didn't win.

Look...

Bianca won.

We're pleased to honor

the Teacher of the Year,

Bianca del Rio,

at the annual Alchemy and

Manufactory Exposition

and present her with

a cash prize of $100,000

paid in real American money.

Seems legit.

I guess this means

Bianca's coming back.

Crunch!

I was watchin'

that show you like,

and they were talkin' about

how they throw gays

off buildings in Saudi Arabia.

And I'm thinkin', How do I get

Bianca del Rio to Riyadh?

You can't throw someone

off a building, Mama.

I know. I mean they

barely let you drive there.

So then I'm thinkin', okay,

what's the next best

worst place there is.

Russia!

Well, why would

Bianca del Rio go to Russia?

Easy. I sent her a letter sayin'

she won this teachin' award,

only she has to go

to Russia to get it.

Knowin' her, that's an offer

her ego can't refuse.

And once they get

a good look at her,

they'll know she's a queer-bait

drag-queen freak

and lock her up.

Right, so pack those fun bags!

We're goin' to Russia!

I can't just fly to Russia.

It's the middle

of the school year.

[hiccups]

How drunk are you?

I'm completely sober.

This is my one hour chip.

I'm full.

And you can't go either.

You said that you just

got that job off your app.

I did!

Last night in the park.

I know you think

I don't work hard,

but I'll work two jobs

at once if I have to,

or if one of them is really hot.

Remember when I told you

that when you talk

it makes people sad?

What have you got to lose?

Call the number on the letter.

If it's legit,

free trip to Russia -

and all that money!

Well, the expo is

during spring break,

and $100,000

is a lot of money.

And as much as I hate

to admit it, Stephen was right.

There's absolutely nothing

keeping me here in Texas.

Less than nothing.

Okay, fine.

Dasvidaniya, Texas!

Bianca del Rio's

goin' to Russia!

[both laughing, cheering]

I can't wait

to see Bianca in action.

No, no, no.

You're not coming with me.

I'm sure there's some long-term

kennel I can put you in.

You owe me.

You left New York, and I

didn't even get to say goodbye.

B*tch, you were in the ICU.

Oh, yeah.

That was a fun party.

Well, if I can't go to Russia,

I guess I'll just stay here,

unattended.

Hey, you don't need your

cleaning deposit back, do you?

Okay. Put it down.

Fine, fine, fine.

Bianca and Rex

are going to Russia.

[cheering]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

And listen.

We are going as friends.

Don't get handsy,

cause if you do,

I'm gonna throw you

in the dumpster,

like the one you were

born in on prom night.

I- I-I just need to check in

with the CDC before I go.

They always like to know

where I am.

And now I have to

take a Silkwood Shower.

It's gross.

So how does

sending Bianca to Russia

get us out of debt

and me in a bigger bra?

First, we go to Russia.

Then, we watch the Minister of

Homosexual Propaganda

put Bianca in jail forever.

Next, we get your b*obs fixed

dirt cheap in Moscow.

That whole country's like

one giant Dollar Store.

Then, with Bianca

out of the picture,

I'd get my old job back

at the school.

I mean it's lose, win-win-win.

Wait. If we can't even

afford a recliner,

how are we gonna afford

to get to Russia?

Well, I may have had myself

declared legally dead

and collected

the insurance money

by pretendin' to be

my imaginary twin sister.

But we'll sort all that out

when we get back...

from Russia!

Woo-hoo!

Do you have any more wig glue?

I'm out.

I told you

not to huff that stuff.

You barely have

a two-digit IQ as it is.

I use it for

legitimate purposes.

I've been downloading a lot

of apps on my phone -

translators, local restaurant

guides, both hookup apps.

Apparently there's a lot

of bears in Russia

that are lesbians.

[laughing]

Where do you think

you're going dressed like that?

Moscow!

How are you gonna

get through airport security?

Okay, I'll change, but I don't

want to miss our 9:00 flight.

Yeah, 9... 9 PM!

At night!

On Saturday!

It's Wednesday, you dink.

Here.

Now listen. I've got two more

days at the high school

before we're outta here.

Do not swallow a jar-full

of pennies while I'm gone.

That only happened once.

[ship horn blows]

Mama, why does Bianca

get to fly first class to Russia

and we're stuck hidin'

in this shipping container?

I had to be sure

Bianca took the bait.

Also, now that

I'm legally dead,

I technically don't have

a passport anymore.

Why's your bag movin'?

Oh, I brought one of

the raccoons along

in case we need it.

Or if we get hungry...

It's gonna be a long trip.

- Old Spice?

- No.

Woo!

Ah!

[raccoon chatters]

I'm convinced that

the movie Psycho

was filmed in that bathroom.

Twinsies!

Oh, thank God.

The only thing that would

make this room worse

is havin' to

share a bed with you.

You should be so lucky.

You know this place

is really, really gross.

It makes Motel 6 look high-end.

No wonder Tolstoy

was so depressing.

Right?

Remember in Tolstoy Three

when they were

all holding hands

in the furnace?

I didn't know a cartoon

could wreck my sh*t like that.

You should talk less

and maybe read more.

At least the room comes with

a complimentary bottle of vodka.

Yeah, well, we could

use that as disinfectant.

I can see Alaska from my room!

I don't think so.

Hiiiii-eeeeee!

Yeah, well luckily, we're not

gonna have to be here long,

just a few days.

Well, we got to soak up

some local color.

Oh, God.

I want to go down to the Expo

and let them know that I'm here.

House Hunters!

I love this show.

[TV, with Russian accent]

I like house number one.

The open-concept kitchen

had good flow between

the living room and bedroom

because no interior walls.

But we'd have to draw water

from the well out back

since it didn't have

indoor plumbing.

Neither did house number three.

The crumbling living room walls

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes