Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate Page #4

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let in a lot of natural light,

which we need because someone

stripped the copper wiring.

Th-that desperate hovel

was great,

but I-I-I don't like a wall

with so many nails in it.

We aren't royalty.

I liked house number two.

It's in our price range.

But on the small side

and a little too close

to Chernobyl.

Yes, but the interior walls and

the updated bathroom sold me.

I think house number two.

Our nice, young heterosexual

couple chose correctly.

The second house

with its modern dcor,

functioning appliances

and a tasteful use

of rich colors,

obviously the work of a deviant

homosexual who must be punished!

"House Hunters"

has gone downhill

since they got rid of

Suzanne Whang.

That's not House Hunters.

That's Homo Hunters.

And look!

It's that Svetlana -

that Russian b*tch.

She's the Minister of

Homosexual Propaganda.

She's the one that

puts all the gays in prison.

For making her wear that jacket?

No, a**hole, for being gay!

Russia has very strict laws,

which is why it's very important

for you to be inconspicuous.

Do you know

what that word means?

Inconspicuous is my middle name.

I have mean parents.

Hey, girls!

So much for being inconspicuous!

What? I don't want people

to know we're at a science fair.

All we have to do

is find the coordinator

and let them know that

Bianca will be here tomorrow

to collect the check,

and then we're out of here.

Siri. How do you say

hot nerd in Russian?

(phone) I am not Siri,

you capitalist pig.

- See.

- Just look around.

You don't need an app for that.

Ugh!

My boredom is zero feet away.

[indistinct chatter]

[Russian accent] To light bulb,

we cut potato in half.

Find two coins

if you can spare them,

two nails

from house next door,

and a little bit

of copper wire.

Now, copper wire is easy

to fetch from the neighbor,

because once you take the two

nails the house falls down.

He's cute.

When we get back to the hotel,

remind me to go

down to the basement

and find your standards.

Standards? Coming from you?

You're the one that found

the sex offender registry

and thought it was

a dating site.

Add all these materials

together to the potato

and we are making electricity.

Any questions?

Da.

When do we eat potato?

Oh.

How many share

in one-half potato?

Whole family?

Potatoes for making electricity.

Not for eating.

[all sigh]

Hi. I-I'm Richard Martinez,

and I'm a science teacher

from America and...

...and this is my friend Rex,

and we've come here

for the, uh, science expo.

Hi.

Mitya.

Short for Dmitriy.

Mitya, nice to meet ya'.

[chuckling]

Oh, look!

Anything else.

We can get lunch soon, Mama.

That raccoon

wasn't very filling.

Yeah, yeah.

I just got to find Bianca

and then get the police

to rush in here and arrest her.

It will be glorious!

Why did the Russian hooker

pee on the mattress?

Cause she thought

it was you, Deborah!

[gasps]

Fake news!

[screaming]

Hasta la pavement, b*tch!

Debbieeee!!!!

[laughs maniacally]

She's dressed as Richard?!

How am I gonna

get the police to arrest her

if she's just a

run-of-the-mill gay burger

without the flame sauce

and extra cheese?

Mmm, cheese...

You're makin' me hungry.

Come on.

Let's go back to the hotel.

I know how to

get rid of her there.

America is a long way to come

just for a little Alchemy Expo.

Well, I'm...

I mean, a friend of mine

is getting a prize.

So I only came here tonight to,

uh, meet up with the organizer.

Ah, Sacha is gone already,

but will be back tomorrow.

Will, um, you be here tomorrow?

Yes.

I see you then?

Sure.

- Okay.

- Okay.

See you then.

- Da.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ya.

- See you then.

Bye-bye.

Ahhh!

Bye-bye...

Please don't die.

All I'm sayin' is

keep it in your panties.

Russia's already dangerous

enough for the both of us

without you making

a spectacle of yourself.

Oh, don't come for me.

I saw you over there with

the queen of the nerd herd.

God, your meet cute

was so pathetic,

if I still had the gag reflex

I'd barf.

Mitya was the only interesting

person at that place.

And really,

is that what they call

a science fair here in Russia?

Pretty flimsy for a country

that hacked elections.

Exactly! Which doesn't explain

how they could afford

those plane tickets

and the $100,000 prize.

You always overthink everything.

You know what...

You always

under-think everything.

You see?

You see what you did there?

You and Stephen always say

that we're friends,

but you talk about me like I'm

your nephew with Alzheimer's.

All I'm saying is that

you should trust me more.

Why don't you just relax

and enjoy all that Russia

has to offer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Relax. Enjoy...

[gasps] Oh!!!

[Russian accent]

Is this your room?

Uh, ye-yeah.

What seems to be

the trouble, officer?

Whose suitcase is this?

- Oh...

- Bianca.

Is Bianca flaming drag queen

or degenerate homosexual?

Yes.

Actually, Bianca was gonna take,

uh, these clothes and... wigs

to her mother's to cheer her up

because, uh, she's really sick.

Cancer.

[feigns cough]

Hmm!

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey.

I- I-I ju-had, just...

Oh, great. Great.

[car doors slam]

So far, your plan of relaxing

and waiting to see

what Russia has in store for us

really worked out great.

Didn't it?

Now what are we gonna do?

Now that the police have

confiscated all of our drag!

I went through your bag.

Most of it was from

an outlet mall anyway.

There was 50 cents in my purse.

We'll replace the rest

when we go home.

They're expecting Bianca del Rio

tomorrow at the expo.

But how is Bianca gonna go there

and collect $100,000 check

when Bianca's being

hauled away in a bag?!

You can use my outfit.

You can have my wig.

We'll let this dress out

in the back... A lot.

And nobody will know any better.

Well, that's not gonna work

because they've probably already

seen pictures of me

on the internet.

Internet?!

They barely have electricity.

You've seen your boyfriend

and his potato.

It's pathetic.

Bianca has brown hair,

and that dress of yours

is a walking

bacterial test strip!

What we need to do

is find somebody

in this country that has drag.

We can create a new Bianca.

I can go in, collect the check,

and get the hell out of here!

Because the longer we stay here,

the bigger chance we have

of somebody giving us a one-way

ticket to a Siberian hell hole!

You're so dramatic.

Fine. I'll ask some guys

on this app

if there is a gay bar

around here.

I'm sure there's

a tragic drag show.

There always is.

We'll steal some looks,

collect that check,

and head back to Texas.

[feigns gagging]

What do you know!

I guess I do have

some gag reflex left.

I'm full of surprises.

[giggles]

[scoffs]

Gross.

Mama, you'll never guess

what I got.

Stop scratchin'

or it won't heal right.

It's not gonna heal right

until that doctor fixes me.

We've been in Moscow two hours

and Bianca isn't in jail yet.

What kind of country is this?

We called the police

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