Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate Page #5

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and reported

a room-full of flaming

drag queens and homosexuals.

What more can we do?

Can we please get some

lunch and find that doctor?

We'll get some food on the way.

Those queer burgers found

a gay bar they're goin' to.

This could be our big break.

Mm... Burgers.

But first...

we'll need a disguise.

Where are we?

I don't know.

We're in Russia.

It smells like desperation.

We must be close.

[knocks on door]

Da?

Glasnost!

Spread my wings and fly...

Gonna tell on nobody

Gonna tell on nobody

Gonna tell on nobody

She's an undercover

Gonna tell on nobody

[Russian accent]

Welcome to Club Katya.

I am your hostess, Katya.

Hello, Katya.

This is my friend Rex,

and my name is Richard.

Ah, yes.

Nice to meet ya!

Oh.

Mwah.

[chuckling nervously]

Hmm.

Uh, I was wondering, Katya,

if you could help us out.

I'm looking for some drag.

Oh, perfect.

This is Gorky Park.

She is one of our

very best drag.

Huge, enormous talent!

And that is no fat joke.

She's an uncover girl...

Girl, girl...

And she's gonna

save the world

World...

She's an undercover girl

I'm actually looking

for some drag, as-

as in clothing,

for myself.

Huh?

It's a really long story.

Well, long story

made bearable by vodka.

Come this way.

What kind of a plastic surgeon

has an office in an alley?

This is not as comfortable

as I thought.

Focus up.

Bianca del Rio's in there.

I need you to go in there

and come back out

with a full report.

If we're lucky, police will

round up the whole fruit basket.

When I have a student,

they get class and sass.

When Deborah has a student,

they get wrinkly old ass.

[laughs]

Class dismissed!

[screaming]

Deb!

Now go! Go!

But, Mama...

Oh, and watch out

for that eye hole.

They say they're not interested

in your lady business.

With these foreign perverts,

you never know.

Go.

You got this.

[door squeaks]

[sniffs]

[scoffs]

So let me understand...

You are found out to be

gay teacher and then fired.

Uh, yeah.

Okay, and then sent to prison?

No, no, no.

I actually went back to school

in drag as Bianca del Rio.

Oh. So you are

found out in drag

and then sent to prison?

No, no.

I'm still teaching there.

The person that fired me

is the one who's in jail.

This Texas, it must

be magical place.

What's the winter like?

Bitter and haunting?

Uh, no, not haunting.

It's just pretty average.

Oh! Let us drink to Texas,

the magical kingdom of paradise.

You know, I never

thought about it that way,

but Texas doesn't even

sound that bad

compared to Russia after all.

Ugh.

When I think of the sad times

here in Russia, I say to myself,

Katya. At least you're not

living in Saudi Arabia.

They have

the killings, of course,

but think of desert drag.

Sand up your tuck?

It's disgusting.

Well, look at the bright side.

You could probably make a pearl.

I could have pearl necklace?

[chuckles]

You know, I'm-I'm-

I'm just curious.

It's like, why are

all these posters up

of this Svetlana b*tch?

Uck! The queens here

are obsessed with her.

But isn't she the one

who hates all the gays?

Yes, but not always so.

She was at one time Moscow's

biggest, how you say like, um,

stick witch.

- Fag hag?

- Da!

It was the classic tale.

Woman love gays.

Gays love woman.

Woman turns her hair red.

Gays talk sh*t at brunch.

Woman becomes Minister

of Homosexual Propaganda,

sends all her gay friends

to the Siberian work camp.

Woo! That must have

been some brunch.

No, it was an awful brunch.

One egg and piece of toast

for a party of twelve.

There is nothing worse

than a hungry queen.

Gorky Park was one of them.

She was the only survivor.

What happened to everyone else?

She ate them.

Look at that fat f***ing b*tch.

How else would you

survive winter in Siberia?

Anyways, I'm sorry

I become emotional.

[sighs]

Let me ask you.

Who is this weird guy

you are hanging out with?

He is boyfriend?

Boyfriend?

Oh, with Rex?

Oh, God,

that's not my boyfriend.

He's somewhere around here.

He was whistling

at some guy earlier.

Oh, that's him right

there by the bathroom.

I don't suck dick,

but I'll put it in my mouth

till the swelling goes down.

[giggles, then sighs]

I arrest you.

Oh yes, daddy!

Oh!...

Oh, wait.

You're serious.

You, too, tranny.

[squeals]

Get your hands off of me.

Oh, no!

Secret police!

I'm not one of them!

Hold that thought.

[siren blaring]

Oh, no!

The paddy wagon!

[screams]

[inaudible chatter]

Nyet!

[bike bell rings]

Weeee!

Wait! Wait!

You!

[gasps]

[crowd yelling, screaming]

This whole trip -

I should have known

you were behind it!

Eat trash, sissy pants!

Aw, f***!

Ahhh! Hey!

[cackles]

[both yelling]

Son of a b*tch!

Mama!

[laughing victoriously]

Mama!

[breathing heavily]

So-so what'd you do

to get out of jail, Deborah?

Did ya have sex with the warden?

I know that he's your uncle.

Oh, save your insults,

Bianca del Richard,

cause now I'm the one

holdin' the cat

and you're the one

f***in' his legs.

Wait. Hold on.

How tight

are your Spanx, Deborah?

Is it cuttin' off the

circulation to your brain?

I mean,

what have you done here?

Revenge!

I finally got revenge

on Miss Bianca del Rio!

Really queen, revenge?

I'm the one standing here

and your daughter's being

hauled away to jail.

Yeah, technically that wasn't

part of the plan.

Yeah, and...

now we've lost them.

Well, I got you!

Wait, hold up.

I don't know the way

back to the hotel.

Wait for me.

[laughs]

[chattering back and forth]

Do you have any idea

how dangerous Russia is?

We should not have

come here in the first place.

No! You never

shoulda come to Texas.

You brought this on

yourself, gay boy.

All I wanted to do was teach.

You were the one

who shoulda been

minding your own

f***ing business.

You queers shouldn't

be around children.

Funny coming from you.

Aren't you the one who

got caught having sex

with a high school student,

Miss First?!

He looked legal -

from the waist down.

You're just jealous.

The only person endangering

a child around here is you.

Where's your daughter Carly?

In jail?

She knew there

might be sacrifices.

Besides, it was worth it

seein' that hooker friend

of yours locked up.

She prefers whore.

Oh yeah?

Well, you're next, flame sauce.

You better watch yourself.

Where are you going?

Oh, I got the room next door.

Got a special rate.

[scoffs]

[phone buzzing]

This b*tch.

Perfect timing.

Sorry to interrupt nothing.

Rex wasn't answering his phone.

Where is he?

Another Netflix and chill?

Hulu and hump?

Amazon and anal?

We're in Russia.

Rex is in a Gulag.

Come on, girl.

Who's Gulag?

It's a Russian prison.

They've taken Rex,

they've taken my Bianca drag,

and I'm in some

hideous hotel with Deborah.

She set me up, again.

Well, I guess now is

not the best time to tell you

that I'm not really

on a cruise ship, girl.

I'm a contestant on

RuPaul's Drag Race.

[giggles]

Well, if you're calling already

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