Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate Page #6

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I guess we're both

not getting $100,000.

Sister, how dare you say that!

Do you know what I've been

goin' through over here, girl?

Save it,

Martin Luther Queen.

I'm in a jam here.

I've got to find a way

to get Rex out of prison

and get us back to America.

And drag alone

ain't gonna fix it.

Bianca del Rio solved

your Deborah problem before.

Now I know she can do it again.

Listen, if drag can fix

a face like yours...

Uh, I'm hanging up now.

- Nice try, B*tch.

- Thanks, girl.

Did you see it, girl?

They pulled a pag. Woo!

It's all right.

There's always All Stars.

B*tch!

You know you're not

supposed to be on your phone.

Listen, I need your help

pullin' together some new looks.

It's an emergency.

That's what I told you

on the runway, fag.

Now get!

Bunny, reach up into that

Moroccan bizarre up on your head

and pull me out a #12

brunette wig now.

Does anyone else around here

hear an irritating screeching

voice that just won't quit!

La-la-la-la-la-la!

We have to help Bianca del Rio.

Oh, the one whose face

looks like a smashed-in piata?

I cannot believe you

would say something like...

- But!

- Yes, ma'am.

Anything to shut you up.

Just reach into the left,

passed the gerbil cage,

which is open.

Oh! I think I found

Natalee Holloway.

I know that you're following me.

[with Russian accent]

Is not me. Is bowl of borscht!

Fresh meat.

More like day-old bread back.

Someone smells fishy...

Too fishy.

They think I'm one of you.

If by one of you, you mean

a blond slut, then yes.

Yes, ya are.

The guard called me a tranny.

He said I had a meaty tuck.

I know you. You're the girl

from Richard's school.

Your mother's insane and

a snake bit your b*obs off.

Did we meet back in Texas?

Oh, no. Stephen made

a picture book

for me to read on the way

so I would know

who all the players are,

and he did not

do you justice, girl.

[giggles] What are they

gonna do to us in here?

Keep us here forever,

if they want.

That's not fair.

Welcome to my world,

which now that they think you're

one of us is your world, too.

That's how it is.

Fire us, imprison us,

don't text us back -

whatever they want.

I'm sorry. I didn't know

it would be like this.

Oh, you're from Texas.

I'm sure there's a lot

you don't know.

I'm Vickie Leaks.

I run this joint.

What are you in for, fish stick?

That dress?

No, for cutting hog-bodied

queens who wear Jaclyn Smith

and try to start

what they can't finish.

Honey, Rampage is a brand,

not a way of life.

Don't take it out on me because

you aged out of Wet Seal.

I've got a knife up in my wig.

Let's dance, b*tch.

Simmer down, Hot Topic!

I'm just taking

your temperature.

Thanks for that.

Do you really have

a knife in your wig?

An emery board and lipstick.

[chuckles]

I'm Carly, by the way.

I'm Rex...

And don't worry about her.

She's just testing you.

The first night it's all about

trying to see how tough you are.

Anyone tries to mess with you,

you just mess right back.

Hopefully, my mom will be

here soon to get me out.

The same mother

who tried to use you

to exact her revenge

on someone else?

You're not her accomplice;

you're her victim.

You think so?

I can speak for many a queen

when I say

you cannot let a bad mother

keep in the way

of you being fabulous.

You've got a cute face

and legs, legs, legs.

[giggles]

I've spent my whole life

hatin' homosexuals,

but you're really nice.

Oh, no, girlie.

I'm mean as hell.

You're just seeing me as a

real person for the first time.

That's all we are.

We're all just people.

Except that b*tch.

I don't know what she is.

You wanna play Go Fishy?

Did you smuggle that

deck of cards in your wig, too?

The cavity search

wasn't very thorough...

Unfortunately.

[crashing sound]

I'm no Jessica Fletcher,

but I know

when I'm being followed!

Come on out, Deborah.

How'd you know it was me?

I have eyes.

Yeah, four eyes!

[both laughing facetiously]

Look, Deborah,

I'm gonna temporarily ignore

your psychotic blend

of down-home homophobia

and lack of southern charm.

Considering we both have

two people that

we care about in prison,

I think it's best that we work

together to get them out.

You would do that?

Yes, I would do that.

And I hate you.

I'm sorry.

Hate is a strong word.

What I meant to say

was I really hate you.

You don't get to hate me!

I get to hate you.

I'm a good person.

I follow the teachin's

of the Bible!

Shh!!! Shut up!

They'll hear you.

What? Are the police

still around?

No, the rats.

Their screech is like

a God damn mating call.

Come. Let's go inside.

I really wish I had on

a horrible dress

so I could talk to you

hag to hag.

I'd call you a

see you next Tuesday,

but that would imply I ever

want to see you again.

Just say c*nt, Deborah.

We're in Russia.

Nobody knows what it means.

No, we have c*nt here.

Is woman.

Woman like her, small.

Not big in hips,

but huge vagina.

Katya, this is Deborah,

the one I was telling you about.

The wicked witch

of the Western Hemisphere!

Oh, f*** you!

I am a good Christian,

just like my president.

And I came to this

Godless nation of yours -

it smells like a burnt cat -

to try to seek justice!

Nyet. You are obviously selfish,

vindictive c*nt, but no matter.

Look at this place.

It's destroyed!

They took everything, everyone.

I barely escaped with my life

and just a little bit of money.

You know what!

Rex never turns off

his hookup apps.

He will no doubt be held

under Kremlin in secret prison

operated by the fabulous

Miss Svetlana Zlopasnost.

You think you could

get us inside?

Maybe hack into the mainframe?

I wish, but I've maxed out

on sexual favors

already this fiscal quarter.

Not work.

Then what are we gonna do?

There is a secret program

where local prostitutes

try to convert queers

into straight,

but even as Russian whores,

you two would be a stretch. No.

Well, maybe you can

get us some disguises.

We have to find our way inside.

We could make visit

as relatives.

Simple quick

hello and goodbye.

It might work,

but we have to go now.

Gorky Park is there.

It is way past her feeding time.

Let's hurry!

Come on, Debbie!

Make fast.

Secret police everywhere.

No one's gonna believe

these disguises.

I've never felt so pretty.

Eh... All Russian women

look like man.

Who can tell difference?

Now, we're just

relatives visiting, sisters.

Now go to door on right.

They let you in.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're not coming with us?

No. Is too dangerous for Katya.

If I don't get to see you,

it was nice to meet you...

and good luck...

You'll need it.

Bye.

Wait, I...

Come on.

When we get inside,

I'm gonna get

all the information

from Carly that I can.

Yeah, funny coming from you.

You don't even know

the difference between

french bread and a french braid!

I'll take care of it.

You!

You fell for this entire scam.

You thought you

were gettin' prize money

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