Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate Page #7

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for a science fair

in Russia. [chuckles]

I mean suck it, fag lady!

I won!

Can you please keep it down?!

Here come those horny rats!

Go, go!

Category is...

prison drag realness.

This look doesn't

Jail House Rock

so much as give me

Folsom Prison Blues.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Maybe a little tight.

Tight?

She should get ten to life

for murdering those seams.

(Russian guard)

Okay, playtime is over.

Back inside.

You have visitor.

You, too, tranny.

I'm obviously in

the middle of something.

Who is it?

It's mean woman with fat ass.

Oh, that's Bianca.

I don't know her.

I can see you.

(Guard) Nyet!

No touch!

I wouldn't touch her.

She's like a vending machine

full of STDs.

How did you get in here?

Well, obviously, I told them

I was your much younger sister.

They're stupid, not blind.

Anyway, where is your

whole Bianca del Rio?

This is not

what I was expecting.

Don't you remember?

They took Bianca.

She is gone.

Everything you need

is in the suitcase.

You worry too much.

This place is much nicer

than our hotel, by the way.

At least here has room service.

And what are you gonna do

if they send you to Siberia

and make you eat

someone to stay alive?

Is he hot?

Focus!

How you holdin' up, Carly?

Well, I'd be a lot better

if I wasn't

stuck in a Russian prison,

thanks to you.

We've got to beat those queers!

You know how important it is.

All you think about is Bianca.

You don't even care

what happens to me.

Maybe those homos

aren't so bad, Mama.

I mean when Jacklyn Smith

tried to stab me,

Rex is the one

that protected me -

a lot more than you ever did.

That fruit fly?

Yeah. I think

you're wrong about them.

Nah. You don't mean that.

It's got to be

the Old Spice talkin'.

Listen. I don't

want you to worry,

but we are trying

to work on a plan

to get you out of here.

I'm not worried.

I've made this prison my b*tch.

All the queens

work for me now,

and that hot guard

feeds me three times a day.

He brings you food?

Not exactly.

Now, Bianca and I are gonna get

you both out of here together,

but I got a plan of my own.

Another plan, Mama?

Yeah. Bianca thinks

I'm gonna help her,

but once you're free,

I'm gonna expose her

for what she is, and bam!

She's gone!

You would do that

after she helps get me out?

It's what we came here for.

I'm not leaving Russia till

Bianca's locked up forever.

[chuckles]

Listen. There's got to be

another way to get in here.

Do you think I could pass

as one of those guards?

Hmm...

Origami is straighter than you.

The only other option

is actually

better suited for you

than it is for me.

Oh, you mean the hookers!

Yeah. We have straight

conversion therapy tomorrow.

I'm gonna have sex with a

gross Russian skank for science.

I can't wait

to spank that b*tch. [giggles]

(Guard) No touch!

That's not what

you said last night.

Time is up.

- Bye, Sis.

- Bye.

These disguises barely got us

to the door as family.

No one's ever gonna believe

that we're hookers,

not even here in Russia.

We can't just

leave Carly in there.

Prison's doin'

terrible things to her.

She's not strong like I am.

I know. You can pull a cart.

[laughs]

Okay. Insult me all you want,

but I got to get

my daughter back.

Okay, fine.

I will work out a plan

to get Rex and your atrocious

offspring out of prison.

If you had

that wig on right now,

I'd snatch it

right off your head.

Yeah, that's the

difference between us.

I'd just snatch out your

own hair from the root.

[chuckles]

- Ya hungry?

- I could eat.

Nothing.

That glue-sniffin' dummy

is gonna end up in Siberia...

If Gorky doesn't eat him first.

Well, at last he's gettin' laid.

Oh, look.

It's me in a faggy tie.

Bianca del Rio,

what are you doing here?

This is your

'come to Jesus' moment, Richard,

but Jesus was busy,

so you got me.

But how am I gonna

get Rex out of prison?

Rex can take care of himself.

You baby him too much.

He is literally an adult baby.

Anything he can grab, he sticks

up his nose or in his mouth.

Or ass.

Rex is a lot like wig glue,

more versatile than you think.

It has a lot of uses

if you put your mind to it.

But how am I gonna

get him out of that prison?

Find me.

Your way in is your way out.

Eating Chinese food

late at night is a big mistake.

Now I'm dreamin'

in fortune cookie.

How is Rex like a

vending machine full of STDs?

Cause when you put

three quarters in, you get one.

[groans]

Get out of my head.

[laughs, nonsensical babbling]

Dream over.

[snorts]

I come up with my

best insults while sleeping.

Wig glue.

[knock on door]

Sh*t!

[knocking continues]

[woman grunting, groaning]

International overnight delivery

for Richard Martinez, huh?

Um, wh...?

Hey, hey! Wha...?

[speaks Russian], b*tch!

[squeals, laughs]

What the hell does that mean?

I think it's halleloo

in Russian.

- Yes!

- I have a better question.

What the hell

are you doing in a box?

Honey, airfare is expensive

and, you know,

some of us didn't win

RuPaul's Drag Race.

Ooh, the girls are hateful.

You'll see.

I don't watch

reality television.

Well, it turns out that

that Frontline episode

on human trafficking

is a lot more informative

than I think

it was meant to be.

Well, I'm not sure

if that's good or bad.

Whoa, baby, with me, it's

always a good thing because...

say hello to my little friend.

[both screaming, laughing]

I love you.

You old b*tch.

Old? Honey, you must be

talkin' to that wig,

because you know there are

at least ten years

between me and you.

Well, let me tell you this -

Rex is gonna have ten years in

prison if we don't get him out,

but I think I have a plan.

Ohhh!!!

Do you have a plan

to get me out of this box?

- Come on, girl. Just lean...

- B*tch, I know.

Honey, the overage charges

for the weight.

They tried to say I was

150 pounds, b*tch.

Ahhh!

Ooh! You look fabulous!

See, I told you...

Bianca will fix everything.

Oh, girl, it's just drag,

not a cure for herpes.

No, honey, if you want

a cure for herpes,

you leave Rex up in

that solitary confinement.

[both laughing]

You know, there's only

one more thing we need...

Oh, Deborah!

Bianca del Rio...

as I live and breathe.

Yeah, we'll fix that later.

We've got lots

of work to do...

on you.

[smacks lips]

I've been waitin' a long time

for this makeover.

How do I look?

Well, when I said I wanted

to rearrange your face,

this is not what I had in mind.

My feet are killin' me.

How do you fruits walk

in these heels anyway?

A lifetime of

pain and sufferin'.

Hi. You must be Sacha.

I'm Bianca del Rio.

[Russian accent]

You're a fancy prostitute?

I have no money,

not even for the short one.

Uh, no.

We're actually here

looking for my friend Mitya.

Dmitriy.

He was here yesterday,

and I do believe

that's his potato.

Not here.

At government job.

Today, I watch potato!

What's the big deal

with the potato?

There is line for potato.

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