Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate Page #8

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Hey, calm down, Potato Lady!

Um, Bianca's her pimp.

Listen.

We need chemicals.

This is a science fair,

isn't it?

There's got to be

some place around here

we can buy or steal supplies

to make a chemical reaction.

If you need work, I am also,

how you say, uh, pimp.

Oh.

These girls over here,

not my best.

But prison not so picky.

[paper tearing]

This place might have

what you look for.

Thank you.

Come on, girls.

We've got some shopping to do.

We've got some sh*t to blow up.

[chuckles]

The secret prison

is under the Kremlin.

We only saw the visitor center

in the front,

which means the prisoners

are in the back.

Okay, this is a crazy plan,

even for you.

Oh, shut up.

Now you, you've got to

pass these around

and wait for my signal.

I'm not sure if it's enough

to put the Kremlin in orbit,

but it definitely

will crack a few walls.

Now hold up now.

This is not gonna

go off in my hand, right?

No! It's stable

until you use the detonator.

You did bring the detonator?

- It's in my wig.

- Good.

Wait a minute, though.

So they're supposed to

hire ya'll hookers

to seduce the gays?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Hmm.

Well, what are you gonna do

if they try to make you

have sex with Rex?

I'm totally gonna bite down on

the cyanide capsule in my molar.

You guys, look.

We're totally like

"Charlie's Angels" right now.

Do-da-loo, do-da-loo,

do-da-loo...

Hey...

You're Bosley.

Oh, God.

Here. Take this.

Here's the rest of em.

Get em and go.

Beat it, queen.

Do your job!

Now listen, Debbie.

I know we have not

seen eye to eye,

because I've seen

wiener dogs taller than you,

but you and I really need

to work together

to make this happen.

You can count on me,

and I'm not just sayin'

I'll work with you now

so I can double-cross you later.

- What?

- What?

- Tits up.

- I'm tryin'.

[knocking on door]

Da?

Hi. We're the prostitutes

here to fix the fags.

Yeah, uh, we're here

to cure all the fags.

Calm down.

I got this, Mother Teresa.

[scoffs] We've done worse,

but not much worse.

Come inside.

Hmm...

Don't mind if I do.

[sing-songy]

Told ya.

Comrade!

We must to get to prison.

I feel a presence

I have not felt since...

the last time your hand

was on my ass.

Knock it off.

Don't mind the rats.

The rats don't mind you.

I really like what

you've done with the place.

It's so drab.

That's the radiation.

We have leaky pipe. Watch step.

[gasps]

Is that Plutonium?

Oh, that's Uranium-235.

- Very good.

- Thanks.

Prisoner today

thought it was Gatorade.

Stupid homo.

You're smarter

than most whores we get.

- Oh, well.

- But just as homey.

I'm sure you mean homely.

No, homey.

My mother was whore.

In you go.

- Uh...

- Uh, so what do we have to do?

Fix homo and I pay you

one potato each.

One potato, two potato,

three potato...

Nyet!

He seems nice.

[whimpers]

[Russian accent]

Just to get set up.

Then we begin.

Now I've been to

some kinky sh*t,

but this is weird,

even for me.

I can't wait to see the skank

you picked out for me, though.

I hope she's awful.

Oh, she is.

I thought there was

gonna be more hookers.

I think it's just us.

How does this work?

Well, they've got him

strapped to that machine

to test his sexual response.

Don't you watch

Masters of Sex?

Premium cable?

I'm a teacher,

not a lottery winner.

There's a lot of lotteries

you didn't win.

(Rex)

While you're down there...

[grunts]

Yes, daddy!

(Rex) Oh... Oh, look at that.

Now listen.

They're gonna pick one of us,

hopefully you,

to go over there and grope him

to see if they can turn him on.

Once he pops a boner,

he's out of here, free.

This doesn't make sense.

We're in drag in a secret

Russian prison under the Kremlin

tryin' to turn this

gay slut straight.

And it's not like you sailed

here on the good ship Logic,

did ya?

Buy a lady a drink first.

I'll take an Old Spice.

- Neat.

- We must to test you.

Okay, which hooker you want?

Oh, this is like

Sophie's Choice,

except I want to be the kid

who goes to the gas chamber.

Is that an option?

I pick for you.

Now listen.

I wanna help Rex,

but if she picks me, I don't

know if I can do this.

It's gonna be me anyway.

I'm way prettier than you.

You really haven't caught onto

this whole homosexuality thing,

have ya, Debbie?

Stop callin' me Debbie!

Rex is a walking hard-on.

All you have to do

is go near him.

He'll pop a boner.

You're a very lucky lady.

Okay...

Show me hands.

Thumbs up! Hands.

Okay. Okay.

No syphilis,

but we use them anyway.

Come on.

You very old whore.

You know what to do.

Right here? Right now?

In this lighting?

Make this queer a real man

or you both die in Siberia.

I thought I was

getting a potato.

Potato is for closers.

[sighs deeply]

There's got to be another way.

Maybe Siberia's not so bad.

Oh, please.

You know you want this.

You've wanted this

since the night we met.

I tripped over you

in a snow bank.

I thought you were homeless.

Oh, yeah? Then why

did you try to kiss me, huh?

That wasn't a kiss.

I was giving you mouth-to-mouth.

You weren't breathing.

Well, I'm breathing now.

[breathes heavily, snorts]

If I throw up in my mouth,

it's not gonna be good

for either one of us.

Talking costs extra!

No more potato.

Kiss! Kiss now!

Wait. Before we do this,

Richard, Richard,

something I have to say.

What?

If Deborah is over there

wearing my wig, I will kill you.

Not if this kills me first.

[gagging]

No response.

Sorry.

I smell cabbage.

Is anybody boiling cabbage?

Listen.

This is no fun for me either.

Now focus, or I swear to God

I will fist you like a Muppet!

Thanks for the dirty talk,

but I don't think it'll help.

Maybe if you tilt your head

a little so I can see the guard.

No response.

Come on. Again!

Again! Kiss.

I really wish there

was cyanide in my molar.

Then we could both die.

I mean, you know it's a sin,

but you're just not prepared

for how gross it is.

Definitely boiled cabbage.

Maybe with some turnips?

Is anybody hungry?

- Nothing.

- Sorry I'm late.

Rex, look. It's the guy

from the science fair.

I didn't think

he was cute then

and I don't think

it'll help now.

Oh, I make adjustment.

Honestly, I thought

he was hotter as Katya.

Wait. What?

Nice to meet ya.

How did you miss that?

I would think

your nerdy senses

would have been tingling.

[whispers]

You are a science teacher.

You know what to do.

All fine now.

Listen. If you

try to stick your tongue

down my throat again,

you're gonna taste my lunch.

[gags]

[gasps]

Success!

Yay!

Yay!

Oh, yes! Success!

Yay. Success!

Success!

Hey, take him back to his cell.

Wait! I-I thought they were

released once they were cured!

Girl, please.

Look at him.

He need many more treatment,

but at least you

don't go to Siberia.

What about Carly?

Curly? Who is this Curly?

Shut your face, Debbie!

You have my daughter, Carly.

She isn't one of these flamers.

Let her go!

You keep Bianca.

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