Hurricane Bianca

1

(various voices)

Once upon a time,

it seemed like

a hundred years ago...

Girl, it was not that long.

(clears throat)

In a land far, far away...

Let's not get carried away.

A new teacher was starting

her first day of classes.

She was mean and hateful.

She had her reasons.

Will you stop interrupting?

I will if you start

at the beginning.

Fine!

There lived a kind

and decent man named Richard.

This is an example of when

many large thunderstorms

come together

and spin like a funnel--

...who was perhaps the most

awkward teacher in Manhattan.

When is our regular

teacher coming back?

If you have a question,

raise your hand.

Now...

Yes?

When is our regular

teacher coming back?

Your regular teacher

is coming back on Monday.

We have two more topics left

on our Time Warp

Throught Science Tour.

Pay attention.

Who am I dressed up as?

My grandpa?

Okay, you know what, kids?

This is-- I'm just going to move

things along a little faster.

Our next stop throught our Time

Warp throught Science Tour is--

Get ready!

Are you ready?

Our next science genius is...

(laughing)

A scary old lady?

No!

Marie Curie!

This is boring!

Can we talk about

sex ed or something?

(bell ringing)

I leave you with this.

My favourite Marie Curie quote--

The way of progress

was neither swift nor easy.

Remember that,

my little scientists.

See you soon!

If they'll have me back.

(thunder rumbling)

(thunder crashing)

Hurricane Bianca

Dear Mr. Martinez.

Blah, blah, blah.

Sorry to inform you that you

are not chosen for this year's

teaching ambassador program.

Blah, blah, blah.

Please try again next year.

So I'm-- I'm talking

to my landlord, okay?

And she's like,

Sorry for the construction,

If you'd like to leave early...

I'm like, the nerve, right?

Like, I'm going to leave early?

I'm going to leave when my lease

is up, you sundried Barbie!

(chuckles)

-Excuse us!

-Coming throught!

We're late, b*tch.

Well, I'm on time.

Ooh!

My feet hurt.

You wear cheap shoes.

I beg yout pardon.

I have large toes.

Move!

Hey!

(murmurs indistinctly)

Chakha Convict!

IDs!

Oh, girl, come on.

Th-that's a...

that's a chemistry joke

because I'm

a chemistry, uh, teacher.

(coughing)

I would wait here if I were you.

They're about to tell him

it's his last night.

He totally bombed again.

Hi, guys!

Hi!

Hi, Richard!

You were...

incredible.

Thanks.

See ya!

Don't try it.

Cute bird's nest.

I'm sorry we were late.

We heard your show was okay.

Worse than leprosy.

-I love leopards.

-Shut up Girl!

Did you do that

mime bit we practiced?

No, I wasn't

feeling that bit tonight.

Do you know what's worse?

I even found out today

that I didn't get that

teaching position that

I was telling you two about.

-What?

-Aw, Dick.

But we didn't want

you to leave no-how.

Well, listen, I pay $3,468.52

without utilities each month

for that mouse-ridden

shithole of an apartment

they're going

to kick me out of.

Mm.

Well, listen, sister.

Now, you know this

old nasty freeloading b*tch

is still on my nice couch.

-It's a futon.

-It's a professional sectional.

(belches)

Anyhow, we can gas up

the air mattress, baby,

and put it right

in the living room.

Three's company!

As much as I appreciate you two,

I think I'm just a little

too old for that, you know?

And besides,

I've been here 11 years

and I've got nothing

to show for it.

I just think inside,

personally, I'm done.

I'm just done.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, you know, we're going

to need some drinks, okay?

Excuse me?

Do you have the drink tickets?

Yeah.

The bird's nest b*tch at the

door said we're on her list.

(banging)

(coughing)

Hello?

Is this Richard Martinez?

Uh, yes. Hi.

Who's this?

Lawrence Tailor from the

Teaching Ambassador program.

Oh, hi!

How are you?

Very well.

I have some fabulous news.

O-oh?

A last-minute slot has

opened up in our program,

but I just wanted to check

if you were still interested.

Uh, uh, yeah! Yeah.

I'm very interested.

Good.

It's in Milford, Texas!

I think I actually

have something in my eye.

Okay.

Obviously, we would supply you

with first-class accommodations.

Fully furnished, beautiful area,

landscaped backyard.

Just to die for!

Uh, uh & I'll take it!

Can I take it?

Milford High needs

a new science teacher,

and your teaching certificate

is endorsed in chemistry,

but I just wanted to check

that you were still available.

Of course!

I'm your man!

(chuckles)

Sucker!

Well, that's the last of it.

-I'm going to miss you, Boo.

-You too.

Bye.

Yeah!

(Reporter) Well, folks,

it might not be the best time

to book that trip Mexico,

because it looks like

the National Harricane Center

has updated Tropical Storm

Bianca to a hurricane.

First of the season.

Stay tuned for updates.

You don't want to miss this.

Gotta get

the heck outta here...

Hey! Looks like

I'm your new neightbour.

Okay.

(spits)

Gotta go, gotta get

the heck outta here...

(goats bleating)

Hey, Shorty!

Now's not a good time

for making a mess.

-You just told me--

-Superintendent's on her way!

Make yourself scarse!

Sorry, Miss Ward.

Hi.

I'm looking for

the vice principal.

She's in a mood.

Okay.

What are you still doing here?

-The nurse said that---

-Hit the road.

-But--

-Get out of here.

What do you need?

Uh, Richard Martinez.

New science teacher.

[scoffs]

You're early.

Uh, you must be Debbie Ward.

[sighs]

Deb or Deborah.

Never Debbie.

Okay, uh, Deborah.

I just wanted

to stop by to say hi,

and maybe you can point me

in the-- in the right direction.

I'm not really sure-- Wow!

I love your purse.

First of all, don't be late.

Or early? Okay?

It annoys the hell out of me.

Second of all, don't bother me.

Third of all, leave the

faggy ties at home, okay?

Because nothing bothers

me more than faggy tie.

Now...

Look, here's your lesson plan.

Creationism?

I mean,

but I'm a science teacher.

I don't have time, okay?

Superintendent's on her way!

Go upstairs, find Coach Chuck

in the teachers' lounge.

Second floor.

(makes clicking sound)

Second floor.

Thanks.

Honestly.

(smacks lips together)

Happy birthday to me.

Ah!

You must be, um, Coach Chuck!

Hey, man.

You deliver my tacos?

Uh, no.

Uh, I'm, uh, Richard Martinez,

the new science teacher.

I know.

I was joking with you

because you're Spanish-looking.

-Oh.

-Do you want some cake?

Uh, no, I'm pretty good.

-Pretty good.

-Ah, don't be a sissy.

-Have a tit.

-Oh, uh, thanks.

There we go. Mm.

(Chuck) So this is the library.

(Richard) Um hmm.

Pretty standard, really.

You got to check it out every

once in a while for sleepers.

Sleepers?

(blows whistle)

Get up!

Don't let me see that again!

Well, now that you're in Texas,

I recommend that

you get one of these.

A diary?

-I don't think I need a diary.

-No, it's a little black book.

Every woman, every number.

I've gone through about

three of these just this year.

You don't have a phone

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