i-Lived

1

Hey, guys.

Welcome to another edition

of J-J-J-J, J-TECH!

J-TECH.

A vlog specializing in reviewing

new consumer technologies.

Self-help is a big business

right now.

Uh, ones that help you with self

confidence, anxiety, insomnia.

A little, uh, drug addiction...

And there's apps out there for people who

think they've been abducted by aliens.

And there's tracking

devices in their brain.

It's called the Alien

Brain Scan app.

You should check it out.

It's totally weird.

However, I did find one app

that kinda stood out to me.

Unlike the other apps, which are

designed to solve a specific problem,

this claims that it can help

with an... an... with anything.

You just input your goal, and it sends you

a series of custom-tailored missions...

to help you accomplish it.

And what's really interesting

about it...

is an interactive feature...

interactive feature...

that allows you to keep track

of your progress...

by filming yourself

with your camera...

in order to help you

accomplish the mission.

The app is called I-Lived...

and I know it sounds a little

weird, but it's pretty cool,

and it's really fun

and easy to use.

So, here is the app,

which is bright and positive...

and has a guy jumping into

action with the tag line,

"You Haven't Lived

Until I-Lived."

Whoa.

Thank God I found this thing, 'cause

I'm ready to finally start living.

Once you've downloaded the app

and signed the user agreement,

you are then prompted to answer a

series of questions about yourself,

much like you'd find

on any dating app or Web site.

Anyway, whether you decide

to answer the questions or not,

you are then asked

to input your goal.

And what's the most important thing

for a guy to have on the beach in LA?

That's right, a six-pack.

So I entered my goal. "I want a ripped

six-pack to share with the ladies."

And I received my first mission

via text message...

that read, "Welcome aboard."

You have started your journey to acquiring

a six-pack to share with the ladies."

Oh, yeah. It is on.

So, I set up the camera

on my phone,

and began filming myself

performing each exercise.

That's me doing sit-ups,

jogging,

eating right.

Not only do I look like a bird,

now I have to eat like one, too.

Me want protein.

And now the moment of truth.

I took a picture of myself

before the program,

just to do a little

"before and after" comparison.

And here's my stomach right now.

Ugh!

Nothing.

Aw. Not even a three-pack.

This is a one-pack.

In fact, all that broccoli just

made me feel a little bit bloated,

and gave me some gas.

So, it was fun because

you get to film yourself...

and share your pathetic dreams and

subsequent struggles with the world.

But it's really

not that effective...

in actually helping improve

oneself.

That's why I'm gonna

give the app I-Lived...

two out of five stars.

It's not really worth it.

Sh*t.

What the hell?

I hope I saved all that.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, that's today.

Damn it.

I see you haven't moved yet.

Any chance of you two kids

getting back together?

I don't think so.

You should give her a call.

Yeah. Uh, no.

She left me. Remember?

Well, maybe if you had a real job with some

security, instead of these start-ups...

Dad. Really?

We sacrificed a lot

to send you to Stanford.

And what are you doing with it?

There are no real good jobs.

So, you spend all your time online playing

with gadgets and-and video games.

You know I'm trying to start

my own tech company.

The Internet's a great place

to build a following.

And I'm reviewing apps because

they're popular right now,

and I can make tons of money

on YouTube.

Whatever.

Well, all I'm saying is that

you are wasting your talent.

Okay, I got it.

Okay, but don't forget

to pray for your mother.

Talk to you later.

You dare assault me?

You, who have done far worse

than I!

F***.

Hey. I'll be right out.

No, no, no. Hold up.

Check this out.

It's Mrs. Lee, your landlord.

Remember me?

I know your ugly ass

is in there.

You're not sneaky.

You're not gonna screw me,

you douche bag.

I can't believe she hasn't

evicted you yet.

I know. Thanks for changing your

mind at the last minute, dick.

I told you from the beginning I

wasn't sure if I could move in.

You can't afford that place, dude.

You don't have a job.

Duh, I know.

Can you stop texting

and watch the f***ing road?

Look, man, do you know

how much time it takes...

to maintain three dating sites

at once?

I know. I should have never

introduced you to those.

Hey, speaking of which,

I owe you big time.

You know how many b*tches

I've banged using this method?

The weird thing is

I kinda believe you.

And then I look at your face, and

I'm like, there's no f***ing way.

Oh, there's a way.

I'm taking care of

your ass tonight, man.

I got a couple of, uh,

European chicks lined up.

You know what that means,

don't you?

- What?

- Anal.

You're sick.

Watch the road, watch the road!

I got it. Chill out, dude.

Anyway, I don't need your help,

'cause I've actually been bangin'

b*tches on my own on the side.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, man.

You been bangin' b*tches, huh?

Yeah, dude.

I've been, like,

f***ing hard, dude.

Hard f***in' 'em?

Dude, with my dick.

Wow. You've been f***ing

girls with your dick?

Dude. Yep.

That's f***ing great, man.

Gettin' it in, dude.

Puttin' it in 'em.

Puttin' it.

Can you name me one of these

girls that you put your dick in?

- Jill's been gettin' it.

- Jill?

Dude, she's... That's a

great made-up name.

No, she's been gettin'

the dick, dude.

You're doing your bobblehead thing.

It's like a woodpecker.

That's how I know you're lyin'.

All right, I...

I just don't want to get in

another relationship, okay?

I'm not talking about

relationships, dude.

I'm talking about getting

that scent back on you.

- What scent?

- The scent... of vagina.

Ugh. You're so creepy, dude.

It's the scent that lets ladies

know you don't need 'em.

Because you get laid all the time, man.

B*tches love that scent.

So, what we're gonna do

is we're gonna refocus.

We're gonna hook you up with a

couple of hotties tonight, man.

'Cause I swear to God, you could

do a lot better than that.

My ex was super cute.

No, she wasn't, man.

She had a big nose,

and... F*** you, dude.

That was debatable.

Marie Helen.

Bonjour, mon petit poussin.

That means "little chicken."

It's French.

Yes, this is Bobby Yen. I'll

be there in a minute, baby.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Why are you talking

with a French accent?

Dude... I'm Filipino.

Oh. Where did you go?

I had to go to the bathroom.

I was takin' a piss.

You were gone for a while.

- Yeah, I take long, long pisses.

- Oh. That's...

You look great, by the way.

I love this.

Oh, thanks. It's a necklace.

Yeah, it's a great necklace.

Thank you.

- Anyways, where's your friend at?

- Oh, she got sick.

Hey, Josh.

The friend, she got sick. She's

not showin' up. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm-I'm cool.

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