i-Lived Page #2

Don't worry about it.

We can get the f*** out of here

if you want.

- No, it's cool. You just owe me.

- We're cool?

Better, uh, watch out. Looks like

some guy's moving in on your turf.

All right.

Yo. What the hell is that?

Oh. Uh, nothing.

You just buy a girl

a drink, dude?

No. I drink these all the time.

Yeah, you did. Which one?

Ooh. She's hot.

Hey. Now's your chance.

Go get it.

No way. Did you see the way she

just dissed that Abercrombie guy?

I don't have a chance, man.

All those good-looking guys

are gay.

Now go over there and do your thing, man.

Be yourself.

Like a... like a cool version

of yourself. You know?

The sky's the limit, you're

the man, all that sh*t.

Go get it. Have fun.

I bet you're a Kamikaze girl.

Are you asking me

if I have a death wish?

No. What...

What? Like, the drink...

Like... Kamikazes?

No. Sorry.

Okay, sorry I asked.

What? That's it?

I'm sorry?

You said that already.

Right. Okay, uh, it's just a drink

that I thought you might enjoy.

That's... That's it.

You could just ask a girl.

Yeah, I could do that.

Or are you too macho?

You're the kinda guy who thinks

he knows what a woman wants.

- Do you like to take charge of a woman?

- No! It...

Wait a second,

is this a trick question?

Tricky question.

- Right. Okay.

- Um...

May I offer you ladies

a beverage this evening?

You're cute. I don't know.

What do you think?

- Come on.

- Mm-mmm, no.

All right.

Pull up a chair.

She has terrible taste in men.

I just want to say... Shh.

Good night, Josh.

Good night.

You are getting sleepy,

very sleepy.

All other noise

has been drowned out.

My stress is completely gone.

I'm about to fall asleep.

White Noise is the name of the app,

and it comes with a video option.

That's why I'm gonna give it

three out of five stars.

And now, I'd like to thank

all of you...

who've been liking me

on all the social networks,

and for all of you

new subscribers.

We're almost 300 strong.

That is awesome!

Dad, are you proud of me yet?

I'm doin' everything I can

out here in Hollywood.

I'm tryin' as hard as I can.

All right.

That's enough, Michael Caine.

And this brings me back

to the app...

that I reviewed

just several days ago.

I-Lived.

And I may have been

just a little bit too harsh...

in my first evaluation

because...

it's a lot more clever

than I initially thought, see?

It used the GPS on my phone to actually

track the bar that I was in...

to connect me with the one cute

girl that I had my eye on.

Not that the app

had anything to do...

with actually knowing

who that person was,

but it still gave me the courage

to step to that person.

Ja. Exactly.

So, here is a picture

of my cheating ex-girlfriend.

And here is a picture

of the girl...

that the app miraculously

got me talking to.

It's like one

is a Victoria's Secret model,

and the other one's a b*tch.

So, that's why

I feel like this app...

deserves a little bit more

in-depth analysis,

or what I like to call

a J-TECH double take.

D-D-Double take. Double take.

The first thing I did

was click on the user reviews...

to see what others are saying

about the app,

and it linked back

to the Web site,

where I found a bunch

of actual testimonials.

This app has totally

changed my life.

When I started using it,

about, um, six months ago,

I was afraid of everything.

I was afraid of heights,

I was afraid of traveling,

and I just walked

over the Golden Gate Bridge.

Um, I've lived here

my whole life,

and I'm terrified of heights,

and I did it.

It changed me. I mean, it

totally changed my life.

All right.

Then there's this guy.

Whoo!

I'd always wanted to be a pilot,

so I got on I-Lived.

And now here I am,

landing a B-17!

And it's all because of I-Lived.

I-Lived.

Weird. There's a lot of

wackos using this thing,

just like every other app, but this actually

seems to be working for a lot of people.

So, I'm finally ready to start

taking this thing seriously,

and enter a new goal.

Make Greta...

my new girlfriend.

'Cause makin' out with a chick

in a bar is one thing,

but cl-cl-closing the deal

is a whole nother animal.

It could be a big job

for I-Lived.

Incoming message.

"Girls like nice guys."

"Do something nice

for six people."

All right.

Let the experiment begin.

I'm signing off.

But until then, I'm Josh.

This has been J-TECH.

P-p-p-peace out.

You been here all day. You

gotta shake the spot.

Time for you to go.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Yeah, please.

Thank you for your help.

Can I help you across

the street real quick?

Uh, no.

Are you sure? Yeah. I'm sure.

Hey, hey. I'm helping your dog.

Put this dog down. Jesus. Sorry.

Who are you?

I just wanted to help.

All right,

that definitely didn't work.

Who wants some candy?

Here's a lollipop

for the big boy.

What the f***?

B*tch.

Goddamn it.

Hello?

So, we've just put the celery,

onions and carrots in here to saut.

We're gonna bring it back,

and...

This should be called the Cougar

Cooking Class, 'cause, you know...

Now, remember, this is a very,

very male dance.

You have to be very strong.

Now take me 'round.

Very good.

"One hour to madness and joy!"

O furious! O confine me not!

What is this that

frees me so in storms?

What do my shouts amid lightnings

and raging winds mean?

- O savage!

- O...

Hey, man. We're trying to

have some coffee here.

That's Walt Whiteman, you jerk.

First of all, it's Whitman.

What man? Not "what

man?" Whitman.

It's Walt Whitman.

Whatever, dude.

No culture in LA.

All right. We're done.

That's crazy. I lived

the exact same thing.

Yeah, well,

no more blind faith for me...

when it come to

matters of the heart.

Well...

I'm not gonna let some

crazy narcissist ruin it...

for all the good girls

out there.

Oh, so you're like a philanthropist?

No, no, no.

Uh, more like a

humanitarian and a poet.

Oh, really? A poet.

"One hour to madness and joy!"

O furious! O confine me not!

What is this that frees

me so in storms?

What do my shouts amid lightnings

and raging winds mean?

O to drink the mystic deliria

deeper than any other man!

"O savage and tender achings."

"and you to be yielded to me,

in defiance of the world!"

"O to return to Paradise."

O bashful and feminine,

O to draw you to me,

to plant on you

for the first time,

"the lips of a determined man."

"O to be absolved from previous

ties and conventions."

I from mine, and you from yours!

"O madness amorous!

O trembling!"

"To drive free! To love free!"

To dash reckless and dangerous!

To court destruction

with taunts,

with invitations.

To ascend, to leap to the heavens

of the love indicated to me.

To rise thither

with my inebriate soul!

To be lost, if it must be so!

To feed the remainder of life with

one hour of fullness and freedom.

"With one brief hour

of madness and joy."

One hour?

Two?

Is that a dolphin?

Again. Now.

- Just hang on.

- Okay.

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