i-Lived Page #3

to keep track of all those

hot, steamy, sexy positions,

as well as a rating system

for your performance.

Imperative for any man...

except me.

'Cause I am a jaguar

in the sheets.

That's why I give

"Kama Sutra... Love Journey,"

four out of five stars.

And to the makers of this app...

You had me at "sex position."

And for those of you who have

commented on my Facebook status...

from going to "single" to "in-in-in

a relationship," sorry, ladies.

I'm not available.

I'm off the market now.

You're probably noticing

that the app I-Lived,

the experiment that I've been

doing, is going pretty well.

And, by the increasing number of

users who have downloaded the app,

it looks like it's going

pretty well for you guys too.

There have been some updates

to the Web site,

most notably

the private setting,

just in case you're too

embarrassed to show the world...

what you're willing to do

to better yourself.

It's a shame

from this reviewer's standpoint,

because it provided hours

of great comedy.

Now, I'm gonna put the app

to the test with this next goal.

Get one...

million viewers.

No.

Eight million viewers!

Viewers!

Might I say that this

is a person dressed for success.

It's almost a perfect fit.

Just a little bit on the

inseam and the sleeves,

and the world is yours to take,

looking like that.

How much is it?

This one's $2300.

And you're looking at about

$2700 with alterations.

Okay. Yeah.

Do you, uh, have something

in a different fabric?

Maybe a bit darker?

I think I might.

Yeah, let me take a look.

What do you think?

Hot.

You think? Yeah, babe.

If you want to dress for success,

that's the way to do it.

Do you mind getting the

car while I pay for this?

I gotta get back to work.

You're getting it?

You said hot, right?

Like, "I want that guy" hot.

Seriously. Get the car.

Oy! Sorry.

Oy, where are you going?

Hey!

Hang on, mate! Hey!

- Are you all right?

- Yeah. I'm fine.

Let's go.

Hey! Come back here!

Come on. Go, go, go!

Behold your ruin

and witness my escape,

into the Kingdom of Purgatory,

and Paradise!

Yes!

Dude, I've been tryin' to beat

that level for God knows how long.

You got chicks coming over, man?

It's probably just my landlord.

- You still haven't paid the rent?

- F*** that b*tch.

Oh, we got a badass over here.

I'm gonna get it, man.

A real tough guy, huh?

Hey, listen here, little lady...

F***in' weirdo.

It's not even raining.

Hey, man, you got some

weird-ass...

Sure. Monday for

coffee sounds great.

All right, cool. See you then.

Some guy out of the UK is in town and wants

to give me a job at this major tech site.

He said they're gonna pay me

a salary.

Nice. Now maybe you can quit

hiding in your own house.

"Always be firm

and stand your ground."

That's the spirit.

That's a good one.

I may use that one, Josh.

Dude...

there's a line.

Yeah? And?

You just cut it.

What are you gonna do about it?

It's cool, man.

Yeah, I thought so.

- Are you Joshua?

- Yes.

Sit, sit.

Just "Josh" is fine.

Josh from J-TECH.

I'm Roberto Luis and I love your

little show, mate. Gotta tell you.

Love how you mix your

personality with the reviews.

It's fresh. It's personal.

And most of all, it really

inspires trust in your audience.

- Coffee?

- I'm good. I've got...

And let's face it, we're all

trying to sell something.

Advertising, technology,

entertainment, right?

- Are you the only writer?

- Yep. Just me.

Incredible.

Well, I may have an interesting

proposition for you, mate.

How would you like to have

your own show...

on a site that has over eight

million viewers worldwide?

Did you say eight million?

Oh, f***.

What the hell is this? Aaah!

Whoo! Look at that hot b*tch!

I-lived! I-lived! I-lived!

I-lived! I-lived!

You are slaves. I'm a slave.

We're all slaves!

Not to God or the government, but

to the aliens who live among us!

Beware! The technological

alien invasion is coming!

Who the hell are these people?

Wait a second, I know this dude.

Jeremy Otto.

Weird.

He was using the app.

Dude... there's a line.

Yeah? And?

You just cut it.

What are you gonna do about it?

It's cool, man.

Yeah, I thought so.

Can I get a beer and a kamikaze?

One more time?

A beer and a kamikaze!

Yeah. Sure.

Hello?

Hey.

What's your favorite animal?

I don't know.

Excuse me. Ugh.

I guess it's, like,

pugs or something.

They're cute,

they got scrunchy faces.

You're staring. It's weird.

Can I get a drink?

Here you go.

Uh, Greta's tab?

Uh, yeah. All right.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Dad?

What are you doing?

Where's Mom?

Mom?

I'm home.

What's the matter?

Mom?

Oh, sh*t! Sorry.

Let's go in here.

What happened?

What do you mean?

We rushed out of there.

I, uh, just wanted

to be alone with you.

Okay, good. Me too.

This is, yes.

That's great.

Okay.

Of course I have a lawyer.

Sure. I'll do that.

Okay, great.

Talk to you later.

I guess I have to find a lawyer.

You got the job.

I think I got the job.

You think?

I got the job.

Hey, what's up? It's so late.

I had to try, just in

case you were awake.

What's going on?

Are you guys okay?

Praise the Lord.

The doctors can't explain it.

They said they think

she's in total remission.

It's a miracle.

A complete reversal

in three weeks.

What? How is that possible?

I don't know.

Last week

she was in such pain...

that she wanted

to take her own life.

I told her it would keep her

out of heaven if she did.

She wanted to kill herself?

Why didn't you call me?

I... I wanted to

help her do it.

I'm so ashamed to say it, but...

I love her so much.

I know you love her, Dad.

Now she's gonna be okay.

Gonna be all right.

I tried, Son.

The Lord is rewarding us.

I can't believe it.

Now, you should

go back to sleep.

- I love you, Son.

- Dad, who... who's at the house with you?

Just me and your mom.

It's 4:
00 in the morning.

Dad, I can see someone

sitting at the sofa chair.

What are you talkin' about?

Damn it.

Greta?

I didn't upload the video.

What?

The video for the app.

I usually have to upload the

video, and then things happen.

I got the job, and I didn't

upload the last video.

You got the job because...

you are talented.

And because you know your stuff.

Not because of some stupid app.

Come back to bed.

Are you done with it yet?

Yeah, I am.

What's great about this app...

is you can access

all your cameras...

right from your phone,

anywhere in the world.

So, let's say you're goin'

out of town,

and you're leaving your kids behind

'cause you don't wanna take 'em.

Or maybe you got that wife that's

creepin' around, she's cheatin'.

You can check on her too.

Or maybe you got somebody that

might be breakin' into your house.

You can check on your house

from anywhere in the world.

That's what's pretty cool

about this.

There's also a la-la-la-la-

loop feature,

which allows you to flip from camera

to camera without even doing anything.

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