I Am a Sex Addict Page #5

Interesting.

But in real life, I've never done that.

Why not?

Because I want them to like me.

I see.

So what I'm thinking is that maybe

if I went to a prostitute one last time

and just did everything

I always fantasize about doing,

then I think maybe I could get it

out of my system once and for all.

Will they let you do those things?

Um...

I assume.

Sounds like it's worth a try.

It is, right?

Yeah, give it a try.

But I couldn't do it behind Christa's back.

I mean, I had to tell her, right?

Are you serious?

Christa, I can't keep repressing my lust.

It's not healthy.

What do you want me to do?

Say okay?

- Yeah.

- Well, it's not okay.

If you have sex with a prostitute,

it's over between us!

Christa, please, try to understand.

It's just something that I have to do.

I can't believe you'd be willing

to sacrifice our relationship

just in order to fulfill some sick fantasy!

I have no intention

of sacrificing our relationship.

I'd be doing this

to strengthen our relationship.

Christa, how is this constructive?

The last thing I wanted was to lose Christa,

so I decided to get professional help.

CAVEH:
My mother had like

a phobia about changing my diapers.

So she had like this aversion

to, you know, diapers.

Any recent dreams you can remember?

Um...

I had this dream

where I was sitting on the toilet,

and then I was getting

smaller and smaller,

and then I fell in.

I need you, Mommy!

- Louder.

- I need you, Mommy!

- Harder.

- I need you, Mommy!

- That's it.

- I need you, Mommy!

- That's it.

- I need you, Mommy!

- Louder!

- I need you, Mommy!

But none of it seemed to help.

Finally, after weeks

of struggling to resist,

I decided to do what I had been

struggling for weeks not to do,

even if it meant losing Christa.

Take off clothes.

Suck me.

You give me money?

Oh, yeah.

Um, twenty now,

and twenty later

if you do everything I say.

No, standing up.

Yeah.

(moaning)

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

First say, "I wanna suck your dick."

No, wait.

First say, "I wanna suck your dick."

No understand very good English.

Say, "I want to suck your dick."

No understand.

Say "I"...

No, wait. Say "I"..."I"...

Say "I."

"I"..."I"...

"I." Say "I."

"I." Say "I."

The fact that she had no idea what I was

saying took a lot of the thrill out of it.

Okay, fine, just suck it.

(moaning)

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Suck it. Yeah, suck it, you b*tch.

Yeah, suck it, slut.

Yeah.

(moaning)

Oh, yeah, you love it, don't you?

You little slut.

(moaning)

Hold on, hold on.

Um...

Stand over here.

Get over here. Yeah.

(moaning)

Afterwards, the most

amazing thing happened.

She patted me affectionately

on the butt and said...

Come again.

I had gone there to express that pat

of myself which I was most ashamed of,

and yet she had smiled at me afterwards

with acceptance and compassion.

I felt that I had just had

a mystical experience

and that something inside me

had finally changed.

That night I went over to Christa's

to tell her that I was ready to be

in a committed relationship.

- What do you want?

- I want to get back together.

(lock bolts)

Christa was understandably skeptical

about my transformation...

... but I eventually managed

to convince her that I was finally cured.

Now at this point in the film,

there's supposed to be a scene

in which Christa is giving me a blow job.

Not a real blow job, a fake blow job.

But the actress playing Christa

has refused to do the scene.

Do you feel like it's domineering

or something to women?

No, it's just something that I'm

not comfortable with doing on screen.

Could you please do it anyway?

No.

So if you could just imagine

that she's giving me a blow job,

and if you could also imagine

the following voice-over...

And sex suddenly became very different.

Instead of fantasizing

that Christa was a stranger,

I tried to just be present

to what was happening.

And it was overwhelming.

I felt almost too loved.

I couldn't believe that another

human being could love me enough

to actually want to take my penis,

which I had always

considered ugly and dirty,

into her mouth,

or would be willing

to swallow my semen.

- Hey, sweetie.

- CHRISTA:
Hi.

I missed you.

How's it going?

All right.

Why, what's the matter?

There's something I have to tell you.

What?

Remember I told you I was going

to see a movie with Robby tonight?

Yeah.

Well...

Afterwards...

I couldn't help myself,

and we started making out.

What do you mean

you couldn't help yourself?

I don't know. It just happened.

I wasn't planning it or anything.

What do you mean by "making out"?

We just like kissed and stuff.

What do you mean "and stuff"?

We just fooled around a little.

And then what happened?

I'm supposed to see him

tomorrow night for dinner.

But I'm going to tell him I made a mistake

and I can't keep seeing him in that way.

Caveh, I'm sorry.

I felt incredibly jealous, but I tried

my best to transcend my feelings.

I can't do this.

I feel like I'm kissing Robby.

I feel I can taste

his saliva in your mouth.

Well, how do you think I feel

when you have sex with a prostitute?

I could see her point,

and I knew that I had no right to be jealous

after everything that I had put her through.

But I just couldn't help myself.

That night, I called Robby

at 3:
00 in the morning

and I asked him as a personal favor to me

to please stop making out with Christa.

And he agreed.

Thanks, Robby.

I really appreciate it.

But he lied.

They made out again the next night.

- You promised you wouldn't.

- I know. I'm sorry.

What were you thinking, Christa?

I don't know.

I just couldn't help myself.

She was starting to sound like me.

Christa continued

to spend time with Robby,

and I just got more and more jealous,

more and more needy,

and more and more insecure.

(arguing)

So we started going to couples therapy.

So, Caveh,

what are you thinking right now?

I was thinking that I'm attracted to you.

Meanwhile, our fighting

started to escalate out of control.

(yelling)

And before I knew it, my desire to have sex

with a prostitute had returned.

- How much?

- What do you want?

- How much for a blow job?

- 50 bucks.

Let me think about it.

After that night,

I started cruising regularly,

sometimes until dawn.

And then I met Devin.

Austin, Texas

F***.

I had been invited

by the Austin Film Society

to show a film that

Greg and I had co-directed.

Devin was one of the organizers.

Hey.

That night we ended up

getting stoned together,

and I found myself suddenly

feeling very attracted to her.

(coughs)

And then on my last day in Austin,

we decided to take mushrooms together.

Tripping with Devin was one of the most

mystical experiences of my life.

I felt like we

understood each other in a way

that I had never thought possible

between two people.

After we came down, I told her the whole

story of my relationship with Christa.

You know, I bet she's

probably f***ing Robby right now.

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