I Am Not a Hipster Page #5

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I'd encourage you to get in

position, get ready to race.

So, you going to introduce us

to your friends?

I don't really know

any of their names.

Hey, guys, there's Clarke.

BROOK:

Clarke!

ANNOUNCER:
Going to start

you quarter to 1:00 there.

Riders, roll off.

Oh!

Come on, Clarke. You got this.

(Cheering)

Go, Clarke.

Hey, look over here.

You're worse than Mom.

Thank you.

ANNOUNCER:

We're all real proud of Clarke.

He's really far back there.

He's... He's out there.

JOY:

Keep going!

ANNOUNCER:
No one's really

keeping score anyway.

Hey, Brook.

Are you going to

Clarke's art show tonight?

Yeah.

Rad, us too.

Cool. Cool. See you there.

Rad.

You know what your problem is?

Depends on which one

you're talking about.

You surround yourself with

too many people who worship you.

It's not healthy.

You're probably right.

But it's hard to avoid

when you're as cool as I am.

(Laughing)

(Cheering)

I can feel it in my head,

all the way down to my toes

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah,

all to my toes

It's actually a Marcel Duchamp

bicycle piece.

I got the idea from him.

And when you spin the wheel,

no matter how much the wheel

wants to go somewhere,

it can't go!

It makes me feel, like,

flabbergasted.

And this one was inspired by

Joseph Kosuth, my favourite.

He actually, uhh,

made an art piece in 1965

called One and Three Chairs.

And it was basically

the reference, the object

and the definition.

One of the guys wrote

"The finest, smoothest drinking

beer out of a can,

evidence that there truly is

a higher power."

Do you guys want to

hear something cool?

Yeah.

Okay, look at that.

Don't look at me at all.

(Clarke imitating dolphin)

This one is

pretty self-explanatory.

It's called

Don't Talk With Your Eyes Full.

Here. Want to listen to it?

Yeah.

CLARKE ON TAPE:

I can see you. You can see me.

I am eye. Eye. I am eye.

I am the President

of the United States.

Took me seven months to make.

But it's done.

- What are you talking about?

- Be born again.

We have to figure it out.

What are you talking about?

3.14 is pi.

Ohm.

(Groaning)

(Babbling)

Hello. Hello, everyone.

Umm...

Hi, everyone.

Umm, whoa, all eyes on me.

WOMAN:

Hi.

Hi.

Wow, my heart's beating

pretty fast right now,

so many people looking at me.

Umm, hi, my name's Clarke,

as many of you know.

Umm, I just wanted to say really

quick thank you so much

for coming out to my art show

and seeing some of, uhh,

my really silly art.

Umm, it means a lot to me

that you guys

came out to support.

I just really...

Uhh, my heart.

I just really, umm,

appreciate it that...

that more than

five people showed up,

umm, to my art show.

And, umm, it just

means a lot to me and...

MAN:

Yeah, Clarke!

Yeah, yeah.

(Cheering)

And I love you guys so much.

And while I have your attention,

everyone, umm,

I just wanted to remind everyone

that Friday night

there's going to be a show that

you guys don't want to miss.

He's one of the most talented

singer-songwriters

I have ever seen.

And he just happens to be

my best friend

in the whole, wide world, uhh,

Brook Hyde.

(Cheering)

It will be...

It will be Friday night,

tomorrow night at 9:00,

at the Casbah.

Write it in your calendar.

Don't forget 9:
00 at the Casbah.

Umm, and I'm just very excited.

Thank you so much

for coming out.

And, umm, let's party.

Thank you, guys.

(Cheering)

Uhh, that was nerve-racking.

Beer?

Can you not ever do that again?

What?

This is your night.

Don't throw the spotlight on me.

Come on, man, you're amazing.

You're...

I can't... I can't help it.

It just pours out of me.

Look, I'm f***ing serious,

Clarke. This sh*t pisses me off.

Okay.

Cheers?

Yeah.

Okay, so I want you to be

honest. What do you think?

Of what?

My art.

Ah, come on, man. You know

I'm not good at that sh*t.

It's okay.

I just want you to be honest.

I thought it was pretty cool.

Yeah?

Oh, man, thank you. Thank you.

Which one did you like the most?

The pink dolphins one

is pretty cool.

Don't make me choose.

Did you listen...

Hey, Clarke.

- Hey, guys.

- What's up, guys?

Hey, thank...

Thank you for coming.

Yeah, dude, any time.

What the f***

are they doing here?

Dennis is going to play a quick

set. Then he's going to leave.

Of course he is.

Only 'cause you couldn't do it.

So, that left you no choice

but to book Spaceface.

I just like his music.

I do see similarities

in your work.

What do you mean by that?

You just... You just told me

you liked my art.

Yeah, well that was back when I

thought you were worth lying to.

I don't need your lies

to make me happy. I'm cool.

You can tell me

what you really think.

(Sighing)

If I film this straw

for 30 minutes,

upped the contrast,

added a hipstamatic filter,

projected it on a wall

in an endless loop,

people will...

because they're stupid...

will think that there's some

kind of meaning behind it.

But there isn't.

It's a f***ing straw.

So?

So, that's the kind of empty,

thoughtless sh*t

that's infesting the world

and making it impossible

to find anything that isn't

a complete waste of time.

There's too many a**holes out

there with cameras and computers

making pointless crap

and calling it art.

It's f***ing everything up.

Dude, why can't we just

have fun making stuff?

Great, man, have fun. Have fun.

I don't want to take

your fun away from you.

Don't call it art.

Call it something else.

Call if fluffy sh*t.

Yeah, you and Spaceface

and all those 15-year-old art

f***ers on YouTube are making

some great fluffy sh*t.

Dude, wow.

Umm, you're being

an a-hole right now.

I'm not claiming to be

a great artist.

I'm not claiming

to make good art.

I just do it because

it makes me happy.

Trust me, man. It's not your art

that makes you happy.

It's your incognizance.

Well, I guess

I should be offended.

But I don't know

what that means.

- You don't?

- No.

Well, that sounds about right.

Must be pretty hard to be you,

Brook.

Enjoy the set, man.

I will.

Woo! Spaceface!

There is a strobe

And the lights are

scoping some motion

I can recall I'm obsessed with

each little moment

I am the cone exploding

In pieces out there to glow

I just don't know but I think

I'm losing control

(Music shutting off)

Playing tracks from

a f***ing computer.

Go home and listen to that sh*t.

Spaceface!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Hey!

Are you okay?

You all right?

Get him out of here.

Come on. Come on, Brook.

No, no, no, no. Hold on.

Hey, hey, hey.

Are you all right?

Hey, Clarke, man,

I'm sorry, man.

Dude, it was an accident.

Yours was.

Not his.

F***, man. Hey, man, you should

hit me. You should hit me.

Come on, man. You'll feel

better. Just hit me right here.

Come on. I deserve it. Come on.

Whoa!

Get the f*** out of my face.

Hey, man, I'm just...

- Come on!

- "Trying"?

I'm trying...

Now!

Hey, what... I don't understand

why everybody's so sad.

Why the long faces?

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