I Could Never Be Your Woman

Pretty impressive..... huh!

People tend to think of me

as that environmental ...nut!

But whenever I get

down to work they say...

"Mother nature you are such a

destructive b*tch!"

Well, what you see is disaster

I see as laying the groundwork for

the next generation.

You have to grow the new food,

for the new animals

The big ones eat the small ones, and on

top of the food chain are the humans.

Who used to be very grateful.

And it was good working just fine.

Until one self centered

generation came along.

The baby-boomers.

And these pampered postwar pinheads

Thought that they could

just breeze through life

do what every the hell they wanted.

For instance...

When the men would normally go to war.

You know all the male

aggression servers a purpose.

It keeps the herd strong.

But these guys said

"I don't like this particular war."

"I think I'll stay home."

And when it was time for the

woman to stop jerkin' around and

start having babies they said

"We want to get our careers going

first babies can wait till later."

They grew up to be obsessed with money

and accumulated useless possessions.

Did they care that they were

depleting natural resources,

and polluting the water,

and ripping holes in the frickin' sky!

But I've got them now.

Oh yes, yes, yes.

Because now, now...

They going to get old.

There not going they to like it.

There going to be

"Oh, I don't want to waddle."

Their taking bits of their ass

their putting it in their face.

This is not natural.

It's not natural.

And their going to say, "Oh no, no, see,

we do not want to get old. No.

We want to stay young forever.

Forever and ever."

You know what I'm going to say to them?

You know what I say to them?

Tough SH*T!

Here's a pal of mine in her 40's,

trying to moisturize her way

back to her way back to 30.

But unfortunately her ex-husband

found him self a wife in her 20's.

- Hi Mom!

- Where were you guys?

We went all the way to Malibu

and dropped Sara off at Gail's house.

And then went to Beverly Hills

to drop off Glen.

But they said they'd

rather have their own kids.

Yeah, I forgot which kid

went with which one.

How 'bout oldest kid with oldest

Mom and work down from there.

What happened to your head?

Oh, I had to have some plugs removed

because the hairs were growing

into my head instead of out of it.

Where you go with that?

What?

Oh I...

This is mine I got it in Pasadena.

And you didn't have your wallet,

as usual, so I bought it.

Because I was wearing sweatpants.

I don't have pockets.

For someone who never exercises

you're always in sweatsuits.

Like wearing workout cloths

will make you in shape.

Well do you think wearing "Doc Martins"

will make you a teenager?

I don't know. Do you think

wearing you're hat backwards

will make you look more mature?

Well do you think

wearing a sleeveless

t-shirt makes you look

like a big bull-dike?

Izzie says you've just been

writing all weekend?

No dates?

No prospects on the horizon?

No

Oh Rosie you've got to get over me.

I'm only human.

You know what Rosie,

you shouldn't be alone.

I'm going to fix you up with somebody.

- You've kept your looks.

- Thanks.

Ma, he got the

"Welcome Back Kotter" game.

- Lindsay I love you.

- Oh thank you Orlando.

Hey, you said you loved me!

He never said that!

And wearing a wedding dress

isn't going to change his mind.

But you do!

I know you do!

Orlando let's go to the beach.

Hey! Get away, He's mine

He said you have an ugly body.

It's exactly the same as yours.

And that dress is so ghetto.

What's that mean?

Oh well in school if something's

cheesy we called it ghetto.

But honey, that's like making

fun of the under-privileged.

Like you know, naming ugly

cloths after their neighborhood.

I didn't make it up.

Leaves my man alone!

I think you're really nice.

You want to go swim?

Why's she suddenly so happy?

She is manic-depressive.

Hey Ma, how do you know

when it's true love?

Usually you make the music louder,

and you can move in on them.

Or some times they

look up in slow motion.

No on TV, in real life.

Real life?

Izz, why is there a Ken doll

in the heat vent?

Remember when you had

Alzheimer's and you wandered off.

You know I'm starting to

not care so much about Barbies.

But she's just getting

her life together.

She's got a jeep, she's got a horse,

a recording studio.

Yeah, but you know,

it's make believe it's not satisfying.

Doggin' me all week dog.

Doggin' me all week dude.

Brother...

Gee...

- Izzie?

- What?

Do people still say Gee?

Sure today I said,

"Gee, I can't wait for lunch."

Dog don't go fronting like you

didn't blow on your cheddar

smokes so you can roll

with Flynn and his peeps.

You know he just playin' you.

I think you really

need to step off that.

Just remember me and

Ross are your real blood.

We don't have to smoke mad

trees to think you all that.

Wait!

You're right.

I been trippin'.

You know there's no one

I'd rather roll with.

Cut!

Great!

Was there too much slang,

you know, for the emotion?

I liked that bit about

smoking the mad trees.

You were good.

You gave me allot.

You were good.

You gave him allot.

It's really coming out.

- So good.

- Hey hey, drop off your phones.

- Marty, need Rosie.

- Wow.

You got it.

This is so cute.

Where did you get this?

Sorry Rosie,

president of comedy needs to see you.

- Oh, OK.

- Bye. Bye

Hey, let's go find Mommy.

Bowling is so 8-1-8.

And these balls are so heavy.

- There.

- Where?

The balls are so heavy?

Yeah well their bowling balls.

- It's an innuendo.

- Oh, come...

It implies she holds men's testicles.

And rolls them down a wooden lane.

- Ah just loose her.

- It's Jeannie my secretary.

- She'll be heartbroken.

- That's it for me.

They make much dirtier jokes on

"Will And Grace" and "Housewives".

You never stand up to him.

It's all a game.

Are you developing another

talent contest show?

Where?

New faces of 2006.

Oh, that's my plastic surgery show.

You know it's amazing

what they can suck out.

He get's his eyes done,

marries a 28 year old and you know,

he thinks he's suddenly

turned into a young hipster.

Well, and you think maintaining your high

school weight makes you a cheerleader.

Your both wrong.

You can jump and peel and nip and tuck

but your insides are still rotting away.

Hey, there's something new to makeover.

Internal organs.

Yeah, you can have a liver lift.

Hey, a pancreatic resurfacing

or a colon peel.

Yeah, botox you're ovaries baby.

Then you'll look young in your x-rays.

He's at Lakers games with

Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake.

He's trout fishing with Norm MacDonald.

I am the one behind closed doors

all afternoon and who have I met?

Yeah I thought that meant secrets

from his wife, not the whole town.

I'll talk to you later Ma.

Anyone call?

Look what I made of Brianna.

I already did Sean.

It's hilarious.

Uh, we had to make some

changes to this weeks episode.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes