I Give It a Year Page #10

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And him.

(laughs) No, good luck to you.

- Thanks.

- But, I mean, you did it. One year!

- Yay!

- Yay!

Don't you clap.

Go on, give that twat of a husband another call.

Don't use your phone, use mine.

Because sometimes he avoids you if he

sees your name come up on the caller ID.

(mobile ringing)

Oh, God. Happy anniversary!

Naomi arranged it.

Happy one year.

I need to tell you something, Nat.

I just think you're the most incredible woman.

- Aw!

- How about that?

So beautiful.

And smart and bright and funny.

You're perfect.

- You're the perfect wife.

- (Diana) Aw, sweet.

But just not for me.

I've waited my whole life

for the right girl to show up.

And it turns out that you weren't it.

I don't find the way that you crinkle

your nose when you laugh adorable,

the way you flick your hair,

- it's quite frankly irritating.

- (Danny) Hear, hear.

I wanted to cherish everything about you,

but it just didn't happen.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Natasha Moss...

will you divorce me?

Yes.

Yes. Yes! I will!

- I absolutely will!

- That's so amazing!

- Do you really mean it?

- Absolutely!

I've been waiting for this moment

for months, hoping it would happen.

I can't believe that you asked me.

Why didn't you just say something, then?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I thought it would break your heart.

You've made me the happiest woman in the world.

I love you.

But you're not in love with me.

No! God, no.

Unequivocally not in love with you.

The opposite. The opposite of love.

Misery.

- Me, too!

- (laughs)

I can't believe we felt the same for so long.

Well, listen, now we have the rest of our lives

not to be together.

Cheers?

Look, this is amazing, it's magical.

It's better than I could ever have imagined,

but there's somewhere else

that I really need to be right now.

Oh, go! Seriously, go.

Do you need money for a cab?

No, I'm all right, I'm in the car,

but it was a nightmare trying to park,

so I'm basically in a...

Oh, God, stop it. Stop it.

It's so boring.

- It's just, the car's in your name...

- It's so boring.

- We should sort that out, actually.

- It's so boring. I don't care.

- All right, but...

- Honestly. Just go.

(laughs)

I will never have to see you again.

Ever.

Taxi!

( Please Forgive Me by The Pierces)

(inaudible)

Ta-da!

Oh, wow!

I've always wanted to go to Aachen.

No, uh, we're going to Paris.

Paris.

Ah! (chuckles) Okay. Joke!

- Yeah.

- Yeah! (laughing)

- I'm thinking two kids.

- (laughing) Oh!

- Guy Junior and Gaia.

- Wait! Wait, stop!

- Stand back.

- Oh, my God.

I can't be without you, Chloe.

I think about you every second of the day.

I need to be with you.

And I know you want to be with me as well.

What the hell are you doing?

You can't just turn up

and try and steal my girlfriend away.

You're married. You're a married man.

You should get out of here, creep.

I split up with Nat.

- You split up with Nat?

- You split up with Nat?

Ever since you came back into my life,

I've known that I had to be with you.

When I lie in bed,

I think about the way that you laugh.

I can't work because I can't stop

imagining our lives together.

You're everything that I've ever wanted in a...

- Nat?!

- Josh? What...

(panting) What? What?

Okay, sorry.

Nat, we spoke about this, didn't we?

- It's not gonna work out.

- No, I, uh...

- Actually, I'm...

- I'm not gonna change my mind.

- I don't care what you say.

- I'm, uh...

- I'm not here to see you.

- What are you doing?

I'm actually not here to see you.

What do you mean,

you're not actually here to see me?

Him!

- Really?

- And you...

- Her, yeah.

- Her, of course.

You're perfect for each other.

And I always thought he was much more

the kind of guy that you should go for.

Do you remember when I said to you

when I was trying to...

Oh, I do remember that!

I remember when you said that,

and at the time, I agreed.

And I thought in my mind,

"I think he's right,

I should be with him."

- That's what I wanted.

- (chuckling)

(sighs) Ah! And here we are.

Here we are.

And where were you?

Had you been explaining

- the bit about us...

- Us breaking up, yeah.

I was just explaining to Chloe

why I was in love with her.

Okay, is it just me,

or is this unbelievably awkward?

(Nat) Look at that.

She's got that dry sense of humour

that you like.

I mean, I just don't have that.

And this guy, forget about it.

Unbelievable.

Proper grade-A hunk.

I could just drink you in.

Thanks.

(Josh) But this lady here, she's incredible.

And you make her eyes light up

in a way that I never could.

Would you mind...

No, no, uh... please.

Would it be all right if I...

Of course.

Thank you.

(inhales)

- Thank you.

- (all) Oh!

- That's nice.

- Sorry.

No, not you, we don't want to do that.

Never again. Come around this side.

Hi.

- This is a bit weird.

- This is weird, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- We'll go.

- Let's go over here.

- (Guy) No, we'll go.

( Never Knew Love Like This Before

by Jessie Ware)

- Who had the chicken feet?

- I did.

You had the chicken feet.

- We didn't have a starter.

- No, no.

And we didn't have the champagne.

We spent 45,000 on a wedding to your prick son!

You can chip in for a bit of f***ing dim sum!

All right, pause, pause, pause.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll make a list of

pros and cons, right, of Nat.

Pros. Number one, body.

Excellent. I've seen it nude, loved it.

I beg your pardon?

When have you seen it nude?

Well, when we were

down in that place in Cornwall,

I sort of walked in

when she was getting changed.

- What do you mean, you walked in...

- "Accidentally."

- What's that? What's that?

- Hey, listen, I'll tell you,

you lock your door

or these peepers will come a-roving.

All right, mate? That's the way I roll.

You know that, she should know that.

What about that she's, um...

- Kind...

- Boring.

...and warm.

(scoffs) Warm?

Put the radiator on if you want warm.

And, um, good with kids.

So was Michael Jackson.

Look at that marriage. It didn't last.

Yeah, but I love her.

- (scoffs) Love.

- Well, I do.

Yeah, sounds a bit gay.

We can get back out there like the lads.

Like the old days, you know?

The Terrible Two.

Do you know what I mean?

"Lock up your daughters.

And your mothers."

I'm not fussy.

Every time I open my mouth

when I'm around her, she's like,

(mockingly) "No, don't say that.

You can't say that.

"You can't do that.

"Put your trousers on! Put your

trousers on! We're in a restaurant!"

- Oh, shut up.

- Well, she's... (sighs)

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