I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Attention all units, attack in progress

at 742 Summit Drive.

742 Summit Drive. Screaming heard from

inside the residence. Respond, code 3.

We'll be on scene in under a minute.

Additional person reporting

sound of animal abuse.

Hit it, man. Let's go.

What the hell is that?

-It's here.

-Yep.

Stop. Put your hands up

and move away.

I said, move away.

I said, move away.

-Miss, it's okay.

-What the f***?

I'm coming. I'm coming.

What are you doing, man?

What's going on?

I didn't do anything.

What are you talking about?

Get your hands behind your back.

I am deaf. Can you hear me?

-Hey, partner.

-What?

-You gotta look at this.

-I am deaf.

-F***.

-We don't have a crime here.

He wasn't raping me, he was f***ing me.

You know, f***ing.

Goddamn.

I was about to come.

You ever f*** a deaf chick?

Of course not.

-Are you getting excited?

-Are you nervous?

You only have 9 days left.

No, I'm not nervous, but....

I tell you what,

this wedding planning stuff is unreal.

I spent last night, all last night...

looking at books and magazines

of white flowers. Just white.

I love big weddings.

I don't know how people do it.

I'm just gonna elope.

Yeah? I was unaware that gay marriages

were legal in this state.

Yeah.

What?

Raise your hand

if you've ever f***ed a deaf girl.

Bullshit. You hooked up with a deaf girl?

What, you're deaf now too?

Yeah, Dan, I had sex with a deaf girl.

Didn't you hook up with a mute girl

last semester?

That makes you 2/3s of the way

to a Helen Keller.

Dude, you have no idea.

She was crazy. She:

F***ing....

I almost sh*t myself when those cops

busted in. I thought she set me up.

Mr. Max.

-What is your take on this issue?

-I'm sorry, what issue is that?

Are you not paying attention Mr. Max?

No, I wasn't. I apologize. I was busy talking

about having sex with a deaf girl.

Charming.

And oddly appropriate.

Do you or do you not feel that little people

should be a protected class?

You mean midgets?

No, Mr. Max, I do not mean midgets.

I mean little people.

"Midget" is an antiquated

and pejorative term.

What are we protecting them from,

eagles and poachers and stuff?

Like an endangered species?

-Really? Poachers?

-Mr. Max, if you didn't do the reading--

Well, sir, dwarfism is already

a protected class under the ADA.

So your point is kind of moot.

Now, if you're asking me if I agree,

I'm not sure.

There are so many kinds of little people.

There are the ones who are just shorter and

might need a booster seat at their cubicle.

There are those dwarves with giant heads

and flipper arms who can barely walk.

Now, is there a reasonable accommodation

an employer can make for those types...

that doesn't qualify him for

the business necessity exception?

-I don't think so.

-Then where do you draw the line?

I figure it's like riding a roller coaster.

You must be this high

to get ADA protection.

Very funny, Mr. Max.

What if I told you I just finished

a pro bono case...

that involved a gentlemen's club

that tried to terminate...

the employment of a dancer

with dwarfism because she--

You represented a midget stripper?

-Was she hot?

-Mr. Max.

If you're genuinely interested in the case,

come to office hours and I'll fill you in.

In the meantime, let's remember

that this is an employment law class...

not Adult Friend Finder.

Touch, I will shut up now.

Dude, so you ready

for your bachelor party tonight or what?

Locked and loaded.

Good. I'm gonna go get Drew.

Meet us at the campus bar after class.

I guess I'll just finish up here for you.

Jackass.

Energy sword.

Who uses a f***ing energy sword?

Pick up that energy sword one more time,

I am going to rape with you with it.

-Hello.

-Yo, Drew, it's Tucker.

What are you doing?

Punishing unethical behavior.

All right. Well, I'm coming to get you, man.

We're going drinking.

Here comes your object lesson.

Gained the lead.

F***er.

Are those tampons?

F***.

"Take whatever you want.

Her box is apparently open to all."

Jesus.

Look at this place.

It's a shrine to cuckoldry and rage.

You ready, dude?

What are you talking about?

-We're going to the bar. I told you.

-I don't actually listen to what you say.

I just wait for you to stop talking

about yourself, get bored and hang up.

Did Sarah call yet?

No. She probably has trouble

talking with a dick in her mouth.

F***, man.

This cartoon is disturbingly hot.

Can you imagine a threesome

with these 2?

I can imagine them both cheating on me.

-They're cartoons, dude.

-I'm on to your game, De Nils.

Diamonds are worthless,

other than the value attached to them...

by the tramps you've brainwashed

into thinking diamond equals love.

Guess what, sluts.

Your quest for the perfect princess cut

supports terrorism and genocide.

Congratulations, your avarice

has managed to destroy an entire continent.

Sarah kept the ring?

I hope you die in a fire.

You act like you're the first person

to ever get cheated on.

It happens to everybody, even me.

Yeah? Does everyone walk in on

their fiance sucking off a rapper?

Honey, your throat feeling any--?

How they do.

Yeah, buddy. Grillionaire in the house.

Hey, who knew blowj*bs were good

for sore throats, right?

The most rewarding part

of our friendship...

is your ability to find amusement

in the destruction of my life.

It's not that bad, dude.

You always get stuck in these cycles.

When you get depressed like this...

you need to ask yourself,

"What would Tucker do? "

And then you go out and you do that.

I already know what you would do.

And I have no desire to get HIV

from one of the cum dumpsters...

into whom you shoot your

emotional pain every weekend.

HIV is basically curable now.

It doesn't even show up

in Magic Johnson's blood anymore.

Are you saying that Magic Johnson

is black and has AIDS...

and has it better than me?

Yeah, I love children.

You know, I wanna--

Yeah, when I graduate I wanna work

with them, have a bunch of my own.

-Really?

-Yeah, what about you?

Are you kidding me? I love kids.

-I can't wait to have more.

-Shut up, you don't have kids.

-Yep. I do.

-No, you don't.

He does. They're just all in the compost

heap behind Planned Parenthood.

If you do stem-cell research,

you can work with them.

All right, this is my boy.

Run along, baby, man talk.

-All right.

-I got your number, I'll call you.

Perhaps.

Who says romance is dead?

How can you hate women...

yet at the same time

be mad at what Tucker does?

-It makes no sense.

-I am like a feminist.

I can assert

multiple contradictory positions.

Do me a favor.

Can you not talk to my server like that?

It's disrespectful, okay?

-Excuse me?

-Yeah, I think you heard me.

I heard you, hero. You don't want

me flirting with your server.

-I didn't know she belonged to you.

-It's a figure of speech.

Here's another figure of speech:

mind your own f***ing business.

I'm sorry I've accomplished more

with Leslie in 30 minutes...

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