I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Page #2

than you have in 2 years,

but she looked happy talking to me.

Or maybe she rubs her crotch

against all customers.

-Probably.

-It's time for you to leave.

-It's time for you to get us another drink.

-Yeah, I don't think so, man.

Could you just go ahead

and put this on my tab, please? Thank you.

Can you get me another beer for--?

-Actually, another 2 beers for table 6.

-Last one.

All right.

What the eff, Leslie?

Okay, come on, f*** stick. Let's do this.

You're gonna f*** this girl, pal.

You think you're tough?

No.

Just tougher than you.

Tell your friend I know Brazilian jiujutsu.

He wants to make out.

Why is he twitching?

Listen, we need to discuss

a change of venue for your party.

This should be good.

No, seriously, the strip club

we're supposed to go to sucks.

It's dirty and decrepit...

and the girls have personalities

like the worst parts of the Bible.

Personalities?

Are you saying we have to talk to them?

Some of us actually enjoy

the company of women, Drew.

Yeah, I'm the misogynist here. Okay.

Wouldn't be an issue if Richmond hadn't

passed the no-touching-strippers ordinance.

Wait a second. You wanna touch

them now? You said they're disgusting.

Well, what do you wanna do, Dan?

Play checkers?

This is a f***ing bachelor party.

What did you have in mind?

All right. Thank you very much.

A short 3?hour drive away

is a strip club called Avarice.

You know what, I'm sorry,

let me back that up.

This isn't just some strip club.

This is the Super Bowl

of carnal pleasures.

We've been to strip clubs before.

Not like this one, dude.

First time I got a lap dance there...

the stripper grabs my hands

and puts them on her tits.

Second dance, she turns around

and dry humps me the entire time.

She was gorgeous and she wasn't close

to being the best one there.

I used to think there was a line

between a gentlemen's club and a brothel.

-Now you're telling me it's all just gray.

-Wait a second.

You can full on grab their tits

and they don't even care?

-They encourage it.

-Bet they had good childhoods.

The very best part,

$10 dances all night long.

I would rather fellate a hot curling iron

than drive 250 miles...

because Tucker breastfed till he was 9.

Look, sounds great, but I can't leave,

all right?

I got all kinds of meetings

and stuff tomorrow.

What kind of meetings?

You know, important stuff,

like the seating chart and whatnot.

A seating chart?

I'm pretty sure

Kristy can cut that Gordian knot.

Look, the wedding is next weekend,

all right?

I'm not gonna leave Kristy hanging

because of some no-touch policy.

That's your issue, Tucker, not mine.

We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

If we stay in Richmond...

we're not gonna have the

experience we need to make up...

for that abomination of an engagement

party you had with Kristy's family.

So the tension builds.

G, 61.

Any bingos?

G, 61.

Genesis chapter 6, verse 1.

-Yeah, that was pretty bad.

-This is it.

This is our last f***ing gasp together

as single men.

I guess.

Dude, you're my boys.

I'm just gonna be honest with you,

if you keep acting like a b*tch...

somebody's gonna f***

that p*ssy in your face.

He's right. Someone will do that.

What about Drew?

Don't drag me into this.

There is a Next Generation marathon

this weekend.

I'm more than happy

just lusting after Deanna Troi.

He hasn't been out of his nerd hole

for 2 weeks.

-Drew needs this.

-You do need this.

I need this like I need hepatitis C.

You need this.

You need this.

He needs this. I need it.

We all need it.

Because it's our destiny as men.

There is no way

I'm not gonna regret this.

But f*** it. Let's go.

Done. F*** it.

-Whatever.

-Let's get the f*** out of here.

Why not?

Bro, make sure to tell Leslie

that I'm an a**hole...

and she should stay away,

it'll only help me.

-Hey, see you.

-Hey.

That's for you.

I already fingered her.

Remember, you're the reason we're going

on this trip and you f***ing earned it.

So put your goddamn game face on.

-Let's do this.

-All right.

He's gonna fail

worse than a Friends spinoff.

-Hey, babe.

-Hey.

What are you working on?

The seating chart.

Yeah?

Looks like you're almost done.

Not really.

-Hey, guess who just called.

-Who?

My mom.

What?

Another dinosaur fossil test her faith?

She's coming into town early to help out.

Isn't that nice of her?

-How early?

-Tonight.

Tonight?

You know she's only coming in early

so she can take control of everything.

No, she's not. Quit being so dramatic.

If she has it her way, the reception's

gonna be a potluck in a barn.

She's pious and conservative, Dan,

not Pennsylvania Dutch.

Probably gonna churn our own butter

for the dinner rolls.

My parents are paying for this entire

wedding. She's entitled to some input.

Come on, babe.

I just don't want her

to suck all of the fun out of the wedding.

It's my day too.

All right, Groomzilla.

Don't Groomzilla me. Those squirrel hunters

wouldn't know a good time if it...

landed on the front lawn

of their megachurch.

What's taking him so long?

He's talking to a woman.

Anything is possible.

What are you doing?

Packing.

For what?

I'm going to Salem with Tucker and Drew

for my bachelor party.

-I thought you were staying.

-Change of plans.

Tucker knows about a great strip club

down there.

Good for Tucker.

I hope he has a great time.

Babe, come on.

You know I can't let him go off by himself.

-Somebody needs go have his back.

-And who's got your back?

Drew?

Tucker's got my back.

Tucker? Tucker says he's got your back.

Except you're the one who

always ends up bailing him out.

I wish you took care of me

as well as you take care of Tucker.

Well, that is a load of crap. I always look

out for you. You're my number-one priority.

Really? Really?

When have I taken precedence?

When have you chosen me over Tucker?

Give me an example. Just one.

I'm marrying you, aren't I?

Should I go help?

There is a zero-percent chance...

that injecting you into the situation

is gonna make it any better.

I'm going in.

Bring me a Red Bull.

Yeah, why can't we just compromise?

Compromise?

You kidding? That's all I've been doing.

Your father didn't want a party

with strippers and booze, I said fine.

We'll have an engagement party at church.

I wanted a bouncy castle at the reception.

"Bouncy castles are childish and dangerous.

Grow up."

You know, and I said fine because

I didn't wanna argue with your mom.

It's just a stupid bouncy castle.

The only thing I've been able

to hold onto is the open bar...

and now she's gonna fly in here

and take that too.

You're not gonna do a thing to stop her.

You know, if all this is so important to you,

then quit complaining and take a stand.

You want me to take a stand? Fine.

I'm going to Salem

and I don't care what you...

or the Wicked Witch of West Texas

thinks about it.

What's up, guys? You ready?

Hey, what's this I hear you're

taking Dan out of town?

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