I Love You, Alice B. Toklas! Page #2

I've already done that.

Would you just read this

for a moment, Mr. Fine?

There you are.

"Mr. And Mrs. Bernard Miller request

the honor of your presence"...

They've got them already, huh?

But read on, read on.

"...at the marriage of their daughter

Joyce to Mr. Harold Fine..."

At the Twin Cantors.

- They really twins?

- Oh, yes.

Harold, they're very expensive...

...but they perform

the most beautiful ceremony.

Are they fraternal or identical?

Well, they're not identical.

No, I don't think that they are.

I'm just doing it for my father.

You see, I felt that

that's the least that we could do.

I feel that you really

don't want them.

If you don't want them,

I want you to tell me...

The very thought

of cantors in stereo...

...instead of a mono cantor

appeals to me.

Oh, Harold.

Oh, I love you.

- Hey, Joyce, where's my coffee?

- I love you.

- Please, no sex in the office.

- Oh, Murray. Honestly.

Would you send in

the Rodriguez twins... Family, please?

Yes, sir, Mr. Fine.

- You sure?

- Yeah, I'm sure.

Mr. Fine will see you now.

This way.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hello, Mr. Rodriguez.

Well, I'm sorry

about the shortage of chairs...

...but this won't take too long.

Perhaps you'd be...

- able to sit over here.

Good, good.

Right, right. Now, then...

Mr. Rodriguez, I'm going down

to court in a few minutes.

I am going down to court

in a few minutes...

...and before I go,

I would like you all to know...

...to comprendo...

...the insurance company

want to settle out of court.

How much money, Senor Fine?

Well...

I would think it's safe

to assume that we'll get...

...about $500 per person.

Now, there were 11 of you in the car,

so that would be around $5500.

I ain't going to do it.

You told me $ 100,000.

I told you we would sue for 100,000.

We're lucky to get that amount.

Remember, there were

11 of you in that car.

If that ever came out in court,

we might lose the case.

- But he hit us from behind.

- Yeah, but you had no rearview vision.

You couldn't see out the back.

Of course I couldn't.

The chickens were in the back seat.

That is also illegal.

It is not permitted in this country

to carry poultry in a passenger car.

No gallinas are allowed in this country

in a passenger car.

- You've gotta have them in...

- Harold.

Ma?

Ma?

- What's the matter?

- Yesterday, a living, breathing man...

...the picture of health.

Oh, Ma, no.

No, no, no.

- Mama...

- Sixty-one years old and they took him.

My father!

My poor, sweet old father.

What father? No.

Mr. Foley. Ed Foley, the butcher.

He had a coronary.

What are you trying to do to me?

You tell me a 61 -year-old man

has just died.

I thought it was Papa.

I don't understand

what he's talking about.

My father says he mourns

the death of your father.

- It's a mistake, Mr. Rodriguez.

- I see you want me to leave.

I didn't say that.

You can stay as long as you like.

No, I haven't time.

I have to help Mrs. Foley

with the funeral arrangements.

- Who?

- Bite your tongue.

He doesn't remember Ed Foley.

You hear, Joycie?

He doesn't remember

how Ed Foley saved his life.

When you were 2 years old, we had

a candy store in Boyle Heights.

You fell off the stool.

You turned blue in the face.

We took you for dead,

you don't remember?

And then Ed Foley came and...

God bless his soul. God rest him.

- And he took you in his hands,

and he breathed life into your mouth.

He saved your life

and you don't remember.

Yeah, I remember now.

I remember Ed Foley now.

- Oh, you see, now he remembers.

- Leave it there, will you, Mama?

All right, I'm going.

- You'll come to the funeral tomorrow.

- Yeah. Yeah, okay.

The wedding

is September the 5th at 2:00.

Wedding?

What wedding?

We're getting married, Ma.

I have a daughter.

Now I have a daughter.

My father congratulates you

on your wedding.

Very kind of you.

See, I didn't understand that.

My grandfather says it is too bad your

father couldn't have lived to see it.

The whole thing

is a misunderstanding.

You get to invite 100,

and we get to invite 100.

One hundred?

Harold, you heard?

Harold? One hundred.

My people in Los Angeles alone,

I got more than 100.

And what about my mishpokhe

in Philadelphia?

Speak to your father.

Maybe I could get 20, 30 more.

You've got one extra

now that Mr. Foley can't come.

Mrs. Foley, I forgot she's waiting

for me downstairs.

- Harold, you'll come to the funeral.

- Yes, Mother.

And bring your brother. Bring Herbie.

I don't know where he is.

I haven't seen him in three months.

Herbie is with the bums in Venice.

Well, anyway, I'm glad

you're coming to the funeral.

It's gonna make Mama very happy.

Hey, I'm going to the funeral

because it's making me happy.

A funeral is a happy thing, Harold.

In death, there is always rebirth.

Yeah, well...

What is this, a hippie supermarket?

Yeah. See...

See, these things are for sale.

You can buy these things here.

See the clothes?

There, those clothes are free.

They're old.

They're new to him.

Really what you're trying to say,

it's a form of Communism.

No, no, no, it's like love.

- You think I should buy something?

- Only if you need something, Harold.

Yeah, well, maybe I'll buy a book.

Hey, Harold, this is a groovy book.

"Quotations from

Chairman Mao Zedong."

Yeah.

- How much is that?

- That'll be a dollar, please.

- I'll take it.

- Thank you.

- It's for you.

- Oh, thank you.

Incidentally, I almost forgot

to tell you...

...that I'm...

I'm getting married.

Oh, that's groovy.

That's so groovy.

- To Joyce.

- Oh, Harold, that's great.

That's great.

He's just a kid. It's a stage.

When I was at NYU Law,

I lived in Greenwich Village.

Hippies. Used to be beatniks.

I saw those kids.

It's an act of rebellion.

I hope that's all it is.

He's probably got

a different girl every night.

I should have it so bad.

Look at that. Look at that one.

Unbelievable.

Oh, my darling,

a year's salary for 10 minutes.

Murray.

- Murray.

- What?

- What is your definition of love?

- What?

In relationship to marriage.

What love? Love is 10 minutes.

Love is before. Marriage is after.

You meet a girl one night, don't know

if you'll make it, that's love.

When you wake up in the morning,

that's marriage.

- Now you're talking about sex.

- Oh, no, Harold.

Marriage offers a man

the most beautiful moments in life.

You don't know

what a family is like.

Nobody can describe to you

the feeling when you see your first kid.

It's like... It's like nobody

ever had one before.

It's... Oh, my God.

Oh, I'd like to lily your lollies.

Oh, where do they come from?

What do they want from me?

Can't you stop for a second, Murray?

When they stop, I'll stop.

They know you're looking at them,

driving you crazy, and they love it.

How can you tell me

how beautiful marriage is...

...when you mentally rape

every woman who passes by?

What has my looking

have to do with my marriage?

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