I Love You, Alice B. Toklas! Page #3

- It's dishonest, Murray.

- No, it's not, Harold. No, it is not.

I love my wife and I love my kids.

And I love you.

You're an animal, Murray.

You're an animal.

Herbie will be right out.

Hi.

I'm Nancy.

How do you do?

Groovy car.

- Glad somebody likes it.

- What a beautiful day for a funeral.

Mars and Neptune

are at the 10th angle.

You're lucky.

And Mr. Foley's lucky...

...because by tomorrow

Saturn starts ingressing into Aries.

Pardon me, did you just say

that you knew Mr. Foley?

No. Herbie told me.

And he sounds like a beautiful man.

He picked Herbie up in his arms

and he breathed life into him.

- It's a beautiful thing to do.

- What are you talking about?

When Herbie fell off the stool

when you had a store in Boyle Heights.

He saved Herbie's life.

- He saved my life.

- You too?

- That man was a saint.

- Where did you get all this from?

You don't know how much

this funeral means to him.

Herbie is the most sensitive man

I've ever known.

- But then, all Scorpios are sensitive.

- Hiya, Harold.

What...? What...?

What are you trying to do to me,

kill your mother?

I'm wearing the traditional

burial outfit of the Hopi Indians.

It's beautiful.

Foley was a Catholic, not an Indian.

It's all the same.

It's all man and God. It's love.

Herbie.

Herbie.

Let me buy you a nice new suit.

Just for the funeral.

This is what I'm wearing, Harold.

Herbie, look...

...I realize that I'm a square.

- I know that, I know that.

- Yeah.

But you gotta understand

that there could be two sides to this.

I mean, you think?

How is Mrs. Foley gonna feel...?

I mean, how is she gonna feel

when she sees...

...Tonto at the cemetery?

Hey, Harold, I am not

wearing this to bug anybody.

I'm wearing it because

it's the right thing to wear.

Well, take that fakakta feather

out of your hair...

...and wash that stupid paint

off your face!

- Really uptight.

- I am!

Uptight, or whatever that is.

Okay, okay. I'll tell you what.

I'll let you have

the feather or the paint.

You'll let me have the feather

or the paint?

Right.

Take the feather out of your hair.

Okay, put the feather back and

cover up the paint with your hands.

What do you think? I'm asking her.

Okay, get rid of the paint.

Wash it off. Hurry.

- I'm doing this because I love you.

- Yeah, fine. Great.

Where are you going?

- To the funeral.

- But you've never met Mr. Foley.

But I've never been to a funeral.

We are not going to the Ice Capades.

A man... A man, a human being,

is being buried under the ground.

But death can be

a beautiful experience.

And I want to experience

everything that's beautiful.

You're going crazy.

Mrs. Foley, we'll have transportation

within the hour.

- Oh, I hope so.

- They're in arbitration right now.

They wouldn't let him live in peace,

now they won't let him die in peace.

God help me,

I don't know what to do.

Forty years I've taken care of people

in their hour of need.

If you ask me, the unions are getting

as bad as management.

In the beginning, we needed unions.

Roosevelt understood that.

Some man, that Roosevelt.

Would you take care of Mrs. Foley

for a minute, please?

Excuse me, dear.

I can still see him

standing behind the counter.

God bless him.

- He loved his work so much.

- Oh, yes, yes.

I'm sorry to have to burden you

with these details.

Oh, where is the deceased now?

That's in the Valley, isn't it?

North on the San Diego Freeway.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Vincent...

...we are having

a slight transportation problem.

The drivers are out on strike.

Think of him. I'll never forget.

God rest his soul.

He'd never let me

buy anything a day old.

Oh, my Ed...

Hello, Papa.

I loved him like a brother.

- I know. I loved him like a husband.

- I know.

Dear Mrs. Foley...

...I am truly very sorry indeed.

I would like you to accept

my sincere condolences.

You remember my son Harold?

- Yes.

- And this is my...

What kind of

meshuggenah outfit is this?

I'm wearing the traditional

burial outfit of the Hopi Indians.

- What LSD clothes he's wearing.

Now LSD clothes

he's wearing to a funeral.

To a funeral, he wears his Indian suit.

You hate me that much?

I love you, Mom. I love you.

- Don't contradict your mother.

- I'm not contradicting her.

I could die right here.

He wants me in a box like that.

You'd be happy

if I'm in a box like that.

Would you have any way of getting

the deceased over here to our premises?

A Volkswagen?

I see.

Well, we'll do

the best we can, Mrs. Vincent.

Thank you.

- You hate me, that's why.

- Mama!

Mama! Mama, not in front

of Mrs. Foley!

- Everything is gonna be just fine now.

- Oh, yes, you'll see, Edna.

We'll be there in a few minutes.

My Harold will take care of everything.

- Let's get in the car.

- Don't worry, Edna.

You rotten scab!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You hippie scab!

I was doing 35, officer.

What happened, a hippie die?

We're part of a funeral procession.

This is all perfectly legal.

- I'm a lawyer.

- Do you have a smog device?

I don't think so. This is a loaner.

- You have seven days to get one.

- Right.

- Have a good day.

- Thanks.

- I love you, sir.

- He's only doing his job, Herbie.

I'm only doing mine.

Well...

...we lost the procession.

We're gonna have to hurry.

- What...? What cemetery is it at?

- I don't know.

Maybe there's an address

on the casket.

Is this the Foley funeral?

No, sir.

You can get out that way.

Oh, now, there's a cemetery

on Centinela.

Tell me when we get there.

- Oh, I think that's Centinela.

- No, no, that's Florence.

- Well, it looks like Centinela.

- Let's give them a lift.

No, we have no room.

But they could sit in the back.

Yeah, that's all I have to do,

give hippies and weirdoes lifts.

Don't you worry, we'll find it.

Don't you worry, we'll find it.

Don't you worry, we'll find it.

Oh, sh...

If this isn't it,

I have to get some gas.

- This is it.

- See, I told you he'd make it.

My goodness.

Herbie, this was not

the happiest of circumstances...

...but I'm glad that I saw you.

And I'll see you at the wedding.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. I'll be there.

- Oh, good.

And be sure to bring

your friend with you.

- Joyce, would you come on?

- Good night, now.

- Good night.

- I'm coming, I'm coming, Harold.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Oh, darling, I hope your headache

is better in the morning.

I love you.

Going to Laurel Canyon?

Oh, aren't they lovely.

Hello. Are you going down

to Laurel Canyon?

- Yes.

- Oh, thank you, but I see a friend.

- Bye-bye.

- You guys going down to La Brea?

Yes, but we only have

room for one.

All right. Thanks.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Where's Herbie?

- Herbie met Love Lady.

What, and he just left you

alone like that?

Don't you know it's dangerous

to hitch by yourself out here at night?

There are sex maniacs driving in cars.

Perverts. I see them in court

every day, believe me.

You'll sleep in here

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes