I Love You, Alice B. Toklas! Page #4

and I'll sleep on the couch.

Plenty of room. Total privacy.

Just like a private room in a hotel.

The bathroom is off the bedroom,

so there can be total privacy.

This is going to be nice.

And it's right near the Pleasure Dome.

- What's that?

- Oh, it's a dress shop.

I work there on Saturdays.

I didn't know you worked.

- Is this interesting?

- What's that?

"Sexual Aberrations

in the Human Male."

Well...

Interesting?

My first year out of law school,

I did research for a firm...

...that was defending a homosexual.

- A very prominent man.

- Did he get off?

Fortunately, yes.

- What's a shoe fetishist?

- A shoe fetishist?

Well, generally speaking,

a shoe fetishist...

...is a person who has

a sexual problem in relation to shoes.

Boots and shoes, you know.

- That's illegal?

- In public it is, yes. It's a perversion.

Next step, they'll be taking

teddy bears away from babies.

Oh, well, I don't know about that.

Listen, would you

like to have a drink?

I don't drink.

Well, I do. It's been a long day for me,

and I have a very busy day tomorrow.

And my bed is made up.

I'd rather sleep in here, Harold,

because I'd like to watch TV.

- Are you sure?

- This is cool, right here.

Right. Right.

You know, you can turn

the sound right up.

- It won't bother me.

- Oh, no. I just watch the pictures.

I don't dig the sound.

You have a picture fetish, huh?

I guess.

Well...

...good night.

- Good night.

Now, look...

...you have my personal guarantee

that this...

- Oh, I beg your pardon.

- That's all right.

Just want you to know that

you have my personal guarantee...

...that door will not open tonight.

I mean, you know,

you have no need to worry.

You're in here and I'm in there,

and you have no cause for concern.

Why are you afraid of me?

Who's afraid? I'm not afraid.

I won't come in.

- Well, I'll say good night.

- Good night.

Hi.

I wanted to make you

some breakfast.

Fine.

But I have some things

to clear up at the office.

And I don't need any breakfast.

Thanks very...

You better go. You better go.

Well, I don't have to be

at work until 7.

Can I hang around

and listen to some music?

Yes. Yes, okay.

But if the phone rings...

...don't answer it.

Don't answer the phone if it rings.

All right. Bye.

Yeah, very nice, very nice.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Better get a smog device.

I got a warning.

- Here.

- That all the cops got to do?

Why don't they find my kid?

Ran off to San Francisco

with a colored girl.

My wife's going crazy.

- Yeah, I know.

- I don't know what to do.

I don't know where to look.

Here he is.

- What's the matter?

- Hi.

Nothing's the matter, darling.

We came to see you.

We have to finalize the seating.

We called you on the phone,

but you didn't answer.

I went to pick up my car.

- Yeah, what'd they charge you?

- Eighty-nine bucks.

- For a fender?

- He can afford it.

Yeah, when Roosevelt was alive,

you could buy a whole car for $89.

Come on, come on.

Let's go in already.

- I don't get it.

- All right.

- I know.

- I know, I know.

Oh, Harold, they had a sale today

on instant at the Safeway.

- Here, I bought you a jar.

- Thanks.

Oy, my feet are killing me.

Here, help me with my coat,

will you, Ben?

- Place looks nice.

- Really nice.

Harold?

I didn't see you all day.

Well, I was very tired

after the funeral, you know.

- My mother's in there.

- Oh, let's live dangerously, huh?

Plenty of time for that

after the wedding.

- I told you so.

- Her ears.

You got some ice water, Harold?

- Sure, Pop. I'll get some for you.

- Thank you.

I love this sofa.

Let me know when

you don't want it anymore, Harold.

Joycie, have you given any thought

to redecorating, you know?

Well, why? We'll probably

be buying a house right away, anyway.

Where exactly

are you thinking of looking?

Oh, Beverly Hills.

They have the best school system.

Absolutely.

In Beverly Hills you pay

through the nose.

But your taxes are very low.

I've decided I'm putting

Aunt Tanya next to Murray.

She doesn't talk

to the rest of the family...

...so maybe she'll get along

with Murray.

- Let me just see the list for a minute.

- Here, Pop.

If they charged for ice water,

I'd be a pauper.

- Remember the candy store...?

- Better get down to work.

Now, we're inviting

the Twin Cantors to the dinner.

So our side of the family gives up

a seat for one cantor...

...and Joycie's side gives up a seat

for the other cantor.

- Great.

- Oh, it is.

It'll be a great honor

to you and Joycie.

Now, where should we seat them,

do you think?

Mama, are you planning to go through

the entire list now?

Well, I'm not leaving

the seating to the caterers.

I've got enough troubles

without that.

- We had 40 people at our wedding.

- Yeah?

I don't even know half the people

that are coming to this one.

- Look. Look, I found some brownies.

- They look fresh baked.

- Do you have saccharine, Harold?

- Oh, I have some in my purse.

Oh, you're a darling. Thank you.

Well, looks like a nice brownie, Harold.

From Rubins?

I don't remember.

A small bakery on Fairfax.

Better than Rubins.

Better than Rubins? That's a brownie.

This is delicious.

They're very good.

They're...

They're groovy.

I wish Herbie was here with us now.

He loves sweets.

Herbie is a very sweet boy.

Do you know what I think?

I think that this is just a stage

that he's going through, that's all.

To a funeral he wears his Indian suit.

Oh, these are really good.

Thank you.

- One more.

- Ben.

- My last one.

- All right.

Ben.

Benjie.

What was his name?

What was his name,

your cousin from Milwaukee?

You know what he did?

What did he do?

He came out of the bathroom.

What did he do when he came out

of the bathroom?

Don't say bathroom and I won't laugh.

I said it!

Take me.

Take me.

Remember? Remember?

Oh, Harold, take me.

Harold.

I wanna play miniature golf.

Where's Harold?

You know, I just can't.

I've tried. I can't take the pills.

I blow up like a house.

It's really such a drag.

These pills are so groovy.

But a diaphragm, forget it.

It's just the worse.

- Listen, thanks for coming in.

- Harold!

Hey. Hi.

Harold, this is Anita.

Oh, my God, you look just like

a guy I used to go with.

- Yeah?

- You're a little better-looking.

- Oh, thanks.

- Nice.

What?

I came to thank you for the brownies.

You're welcome.

I came to see you.

- Groovy.

- Yeah. Groovy.

- You're very pretty.

- And so are you.

Yeah?

You should've told me

what was in those brownies.

Thank Alice B. Toklas. It's her recipe.

- Yeah?

- She wrote a freaky cookbook.

And she turned my parents

into junkies.

- She did?

- Oh, yeah.

- They were...

- Excuse me. I'll be right back.

- Can I help you, sir?

- Yes.

I'd like to see something in

a minidress. Something lightweight.

These just came in.

What size does she wear?

It's for me.

Well, I don't know

if we happen to have your size.

I'm a perfect 12.

These are 12s.

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