I Love You, Alice B. Toklas! Page #5

Thank you.

Don't look at me.

I think he wants it to go

to a Halloween party.

I hope so.

Miss.

- Did you find something you like?

- Yes.

Yes, I like this one.

Is there anyplace I can try it on?

- Right over there.

- Oh, thank you.

I can't help it. I can't.

Have a cookie.

- Alice Toklas?

- Chocolate chip.

- Miss?

- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Do you do alterations here

in the shop?

Yes, we do. Anita!

What I'd like to get would be to

get this just about two inches shorter.

About like that.

Well, Anita does the alterations.

- Anita, can we shorten this about...?

- No, that's it. Right there.

- Two inches?

- No, no, no.

That's not your color.

I have a butterfly.

I know.

I know.

It's a monarch, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I never got that close to a butterfly.

Wait a second.

Hello, Harold?

- Yes, Ma.

- You sound like your asthma is worse.

No, Mama, the earth just moved.

So where did you disappear to?

Stop it.

Oh, listen, I changed my mind.

I'm not putting Aunt Tanya

next to Uncle Murray.

She's got that bladder trouble,

poor thing...

... so I'm gonna put her closer

to the door.

Listen, Harold,

I picked up some of those...

Go to sleep.

I picked up some of those brownies.

You know, it must be a different bakery.

Oh, they're terrible.

Rubins is better than those.

So anyway, I ordered the Jell-O mold.

It's gonna be a green Jell-O

with cherries.

"Blessed be you, Harold and Joyce,

who come in the name of the Lord.

We bless you

with the blessings of God.

We pray that these blessings may rest

gently and lovingly upon you both.

Praised be thou, O Lord, who has

blessed these children of Israel...

...through the covenant

of holy wedlock...

...and beneath this

chuppah canopy"...

You look very pretty, Joyce.

You do. You look very pretty.

- This means a lot to you, doesn't it?

- Harold!

Wait a second, Mama.

I'm talking to Joyce.

I'm sorry, Joyce.

This is wrong.

I know I shouldn't do this,

but I have to do it.

It's better.

- It is better.

- Better?

You don't really know me.

I don't know me.

I know I should've thought of

all of this before, but I didn't.

Stop it, Harold.

You'll never forgive yourself.

I'd never forgive myself

if I ruined her life.

Dear Joyce.

It's not in there.

There's nothing to find in there.

There are no people there,

only machines.

Garbage-disposing machines,

dishwashing machines...

... television machines being watched

by people machines.

We have left the machine.

And by so doing,

we are opting for survival.

Flower in the crannied wall

I pluck you out of the crannies

I hold you here, root and all, in my hand

Little flower...

But how can you know

what a flower is, Harold...

...if you don't know who you are?

Who are you?

Do you know who you are?

I'm trying.

Guru, I'm really trying.

When you stop trying,

then you'll know who you are.

Well, I...

I'm trying to stop trying.

Good.

I'm reminded of the story

of a holy man in India.

One afternoon, Siddhartha...

...returned from a nearby village,

and he had gained an insight...

...how the excretory force

had to be reversed, actually...

...so that the relationship of the apana,

the excretory energy...

...to this basic contraction

of the hatha yoga.

One must never overlook

the importance...

...of the control

of the excretory energy.

The Mula Bandha,

which had puzzled him for years...

...the root contraction,

famous heart of the hatha yoga...

...had opened as a new wave.

This is beautiful.

Kiss me.

- First time in my life I feel free.

- Not hung up on possessions.

We just need natural things.

Oh, get that out, we don't need that.

We don't need all this.

- Am I being real?

- You're being real.

- Am I being a real person?

- So real.

Now I know it. Got it.

- Harold?

- Oh, my God, I gotta be real.

Kiss me.

Kiss my eyes.

Kiss my neck.

Kiss my ankh.

- You sure?

- Yes. Kiss it.

Kiss my ankh. Kiss it now.

What's going on here?

Oh, just two people

enjoying each other's company.

- Just being, that's all.

- Girl looks pretty young.

- Will you step outside, please?

- Certainly, certainly. Be a pleasure to.

Excuse me. Lovely evening.

Check the car out, Harry.

- And how old are you, miss?

- Twenty.

- And how old are you, kid?

- I'm 35 years of age, sir.

Thirty-five years old,

that is my age.

Car's almost brand-new.

Registered in the name of Harold Fine.

Yes, that is me.

My name is Harold Fine.

Allow me to show you

my driver's license.

I have it here. It's my car.

All this fur is... There.

There's a photograph of me

to prove what I'm saying.

It's not stolen. It's my own car.

I bought it with money I earned

when I was leading a terrible life.

This doesn't look like you.

No, that is because, if you'll

permit me, my hair is longer now.

Before, it was short,

as in the photograph.

- So there's little resemblance.

- Take off the headband, please.

It'd be a pleasure

to take it off for you.

- There. There, it's off.

- Pull the hair back so it looks shorter.

Yes. I'm doing this

because I love you, sir.

It's him, all right. And he is 35.

Yeah, I am. I'm 35, Harold Fine.

Thank you very much indeed.

It's lovely to see you.

- Let's go, Harry.

- No, wait, please. Wait, please.

You don't have to do

what you're doing, you know?

Thank you very much.

It's very kind of you, officer.

You don't have to do

what you're doing.

You know, you don't have

to wear a gun.

I used to wear a gun,

in my heart, not on my hip.

I had hatred and violence in me.

Didn't I, sweetheart?

You know that.

I had hatred and violence in me.

Now, listen...

Don't go. Do you know

where you're going?

Do you know who you are,

where you are?

Flower in the crannied walls,

I pluck you out of the crannies...

Oh, pluck yourself, Jack.

Why don't you get a haircut

and an apartment.

But I have an apartment.

I mean, I choose to live here.

I don't have to live here.

Well, you'd better not be here

when we come back.

Well, listen,

you've been through a lot.

- You have been through hell, Joyce.

- Yeah.

You know, Murray, I've been thinking.

This may sound silly to you,

but maybe what I should do...

...is go to one of those

computer mating places.

Where you just fill out a form,

then they handle...

...the whole thing impersonally.

- Now, what do you think?

- Totally wrong.

Totally wrong?

In my opinion, you have just gotten over

a long-term engagement.

What you need now

is a nice, hot affair.

Forget the intellect. Enjoy yourself.

Have some sex.

I'm gonna keep my eyes open.

- That's a healthy attitude.

- You know something?

At my age, I finally know

what I don't want.

This is growth, isn't it?

I know what I don't want.

I don't want another Harold Fine.

That's what I don't need,

another Harold Fine.

- Free Press?

- Just ignore her.

Turn your stomach.

Looks like a gypsy,

for heaven's sake.

Some kind of perverse need

to cause attention.

Would you like to buy a Free Press?

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