I Love You, Beth Cooper

(GUITAR PLAYING)

GIRL (SINGING):

Forget me. You're on your way

We don't have to stay in touch

We may remember someday

Till then it doesn't matter that much

Someday I'll have to wonder

And dreams may cloud the truth

But if you promise me

I promise I'll never forget you

Forget the tears we cried

Forget the good times too

Forget the pain inside

RICH:

You will never see her again.

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

Dude, after graduation, she'll be

gone until like the tenth reunion...

...if you both even live

that long.

And she'll be so very pregnant by

then, baking someone else's DNA.

And she'll have this, like, big,

pregnant cow grin on her face.

She won't even remember

who you are.

Well, I sat behind her

in almost every class.

- Behind her.

- Shh.

Behind her.

She never saw you, dude.

You don't give this big speech

at graduation, you don't exist.

No, Denis, if you... If you don't

do this... If you don't do this...

(AS HUMPHREY BOGART)

"You'll regret it.

Maybe not today,

maybe not tomorrow, but soon...

...and for the rest of your life."

What are you talking about?

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

Come on, it's Casablanca, 1942...

...Michael Curtiz, director.

- Bogart, dude!

LIBRARIAN:
Shh.

Seriously?

(WHISPERING)

Bogart.

(GUITAR PLAYING)

Thank you, Angelica.

It's Angelica. Whatever.

Angelica.

Thank you for that rousing

rendition of "Forget Me."

Next, and finally,

your valedictorian...

...Denis Cooverman.

(CLEARS THRO AT)

Today we look forward.

Look forward to getting out of here.

(CHUCKLING)

Heh, heh, heh.

But today, I would also like

to look back...

...Iook back on our four years here

at Buffalo Glenn High School...

...Iooking back not with anger...

...but with no regrets.

No regrets for

what we wanted to do...

...but did not...

...what we wanted to say...

...but could not.

And so I say here today...

...the one thing I wish I had said...

...the one thing I know I will

regret if I never say:

I love you, Beth Cooper.

(STUDENTS MURMURING

INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISPERING)

He likes you.

I have loved you, Beth Cooper...

...since I first sat behind you in Ms.

Rosa's math class in the 7th grade.

Heh.

I loved you when I sat behind you

in Seor Weidner's Spanish...

...and Ms. Calumet-Hobey's

Literature of the Oppressed.

I loved you from behind...

(PEOPLE GRO AN)

...in Biology, History, and,

yes, Practical Science.

I loved you, but I never told you

because we never spoke.

Unbelievable.

But now I say it, with no regrets.

I love you, Beth Cooper.

And so let us all say the things

that we longed to say...

...but our tongues would not.

Let us be unafraid to admit:

"I have an eating disorder,

and I need help."

Let us confess:

"I'm a stuck-up b*tch...

...because deep down,

I believe I am worthless."

Let us declare:

"I'm a big, dumb moron.

I'm a big old a**hole who

beats up on other kids...

...because I was unloved

as a baby...

...or was sexually abused

or something.

I am sorry for the cruel swirlies...

...the pink bellies...

...the purple nurples."

And let us, no, let all of us vow:

"When I graduate, I'm not gonna keep

hanging around my old high school...

...like some kind of creepy loser...

...who can't get an adult girlfriend."

You know who you are. You.

(PEOPLE MURMURING

INDISTINCTLY)

And, yes, let us not regret...

...that we never told

our own best friend:

"I'm gay, dude.

I'm totally gay."

(MOUTHING)

I'm not gay.

DENIS:

Yes.

Indeed. Let us all...

Thank you, Denis.

Food for thought.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow.

(CHATTERING)

(CHATTERING)

MAN:

Perfect.

- Whoa.

- Oh.

- It's okay.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

MAN:
All right.

- Mr. Cooverman, hi.

- Hey! Hello.

I've never known you to

do anything so reckless...

...really at all reckless.

Well, thank you.

Uh, no. That is not

what I would expect...

...from somebody

who is going to Stanford.

You know one call from me...

...and you could be going

to Harper Community College.

That would be unimaginable.

You can't...

Look, I don't know why I did th...

Who was that?

That wasn't me.

I was under an influence.

- Are you drunk?

- What?

I just meant my thinking

had been compromised.

- Look, Rich told me if...

- Rich Munsch?

Yeah.

I wouldn't take heterosexual

advice from Rich Munsch.

But he was right.

I mean, I had to do something.

I'm not there in her brain.

She will have no memory of me.

So?

So? Come on, Dr. Gleason,

haven't you ever been in love?

(BOTH MO ANING)

MAN:

Your nipples are so weird.

Denis, there's another

Beth Cooper out there.

One just for you.

You embarrassed me.

Uh...

But it was so sweet,

I'll have to let you live.

(SIGHS)

Well, that's good.

Because I like to live.

Is it like 800 degrees

in there, like boiling?

Actually, the boiling point of water

is 212 degrees Fahrenheit...

...100 degrees Celsius.

I am so hot.

I can imagine...

...that you're hot.

Hey. So I'm not gay, dude.

Rich, hi.

Hello, hi, hey. Hi.

I didn't realize

there was a line here.

No, no, that's okay.

I gotta go.

Halt! I mean, wait.

There's a little soire

at my house tonight.

Course that's redundant...

...I don't know what

I'm talking about.

No, a party. More of a party than

a French thing. Music, drinks, prizes.

Party.

- Sounds fun.

- It is fun, will be, in the future.

And goddamn it,

you're invited, officially.

Wow.

Thanks.

...ZIP's 98401,

if you're Mapquesting.

Well, maybe we could stop by.

Cool, or not,

whatever.

I mean, you come, you come.

If you don't, you don't.

You humiliated me

and insulted her.

Are you prepared to die?

(MOUTHING)

Sorry.

(GRO ANING)

You must be

Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

I have to go

to the bathroom.

Um...

(GRUNTING)

I'm gonna give you ten seconds to

convince me why I should let you live.

I think you mean "persuade,"

not "convince."

Is there a problem here?

No, ma'am.

My hand,

it just slipped.

You know I can't allow you

to kill him on school property?

Yes, ma'am.

(GASPING)

BETH:

Baby. Not nice.

- You okay?

- Great, yeah.

Okay. You know, on the bright side,

Beth Cooper talked to you.

GIRL 1:
Whoo!

GIRL 2:
Let's go!

GIRL 3:
School's out! We did it!

We did it! Party!

Ooh. That can't be good.

(VALLI SHRIEKING)

MAN:

Losers!

All right,

keep in touch.

So, look, I'm not gay,

you know, so... Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

No, I mean, it's cool

if you are, too, really.

Really, I'm not.

No soy homo.

All right.

That's awesome.

What makes you

think I'm gay?

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know... Everybody

thinks you're gay, Rich.

Well, they don't know me.

You know me.

What makes you

think I'm gay?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC

PLAYING ON TV)

Okay, I got an idea.

I'm Robin Hood.

You're Friar Tuck.

We get your dad's camcorder and

we do a shot-for-shot re-creation...

...of their climactic

sword fight...

...using our boners. Ha.

Nothing in particular,

I guess.

Well, I mean, is it

because of Drama Club?

Because, you know, a lot of

professional actors aren't gay.

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