I Love You, Beth Cooper Page #2

More than half.

Rich, it's just that all through

high school and even before...

...you never really

had a girlfriend.

- Neither did you.

- I tried.

Oh, ha, ha, ha. Patty Keck?

- Her, yes.

- Your secret shame.

My point is... I had one.

Just so you know, making out

with a girl like that...

I'm not sure that's not gay.

(LAUGHS)

What is this? Give me it.

Let go of it. I wanna see.

- No.

- Wow.

Whatever.

- That's awesome. IPod.

- It's silly.

No, that's really nice.

That's great.

Yeah, my mom and dad

gave it...

Dude, you know what

I got for graduation?

- No.

- A bill.

Yeah, my dad says I owe

him 233,850 bucks.

A quarter of a million dollars?

And then they expect you

to buy your own shoes.

Yeah. Well, no, that includes 50 grand

for "wear and tear" on my mother.

She is pretty worn and torn,

you know.

Yeah.

Well, in any case, I'm sorry

your dad's such a dick.

And it was completely itemized,

very detailed.

Who knew he was

paying attention?

Hey-o.

- Check out the new kicks.

- Oh, cool.

Two paychecks. Very Gene Kelly,

circa 1945, don't you think?

- Yeah. They're nice.

- Dude.

Don't be so nervous.

She's not gonna come.

I'm not nervous, I'm particular.

There's a difference.

You know what,

they can smell fear.

- No, they can't.

- I can smell it.

- Ooh.

- Ooh.

- Fear.

- Mm.

You know, puberty has done

nothing but screw me.

Dude, what are you doing?

I'm airing out my shirt.

- What?

- Come on.

I don't want a stinky shirt.

Dude. Ha, ha, ha.

DENIS:
Why are you laughing?

This is how you do this.

Hey. Mom, Dad.

Well, it looks like this

party's well underway.

Hola, Mrs. C.

Rich, don't call me Mrs. C,

I mean it.

Now get off the counter.

Oh.

Denis Petey Cooverman,

look at you.

You look so cute.

Super cute.

She doesn't mean that.

You look good.

You look cool.

Yeah.

You just might want to lower

the waist of those pants a little bit.

Oh, you're not wearing

those awful underpants.

DENIS:

Mom. God.

MR. COO VERMAN:

I gotta go along with your mom...

...on the lucky underpants, buddy.

What if you do get lucky?

Once she gets to the underpants,

they're a deal breaker.

RICH:

They are not nice underpants.

He is not wearing those ratty things,

and he's not getting lucky.

Not on my watch.

So, how many people are you

expecting at this shin-dizzle?

- Oh, not too many.

- None.

Well, it wouldn't be a celebration

without champagne.

- Oh.

- Oh, ho, ho. That is negligent.

My dad used to give me

an occasional beer...

...but that was just to

get me to take a nap.

Well, one glass per guest.

And no one who drinks, drives.

And I know exactly how many

bottles are in the wine rack: 23.

Here's all of our numbers.

If an...

If anybody's dead or on fire,

call 911 first.

(CHUCKLING)

What's the matter?

Bad advice?

I have to get my purse.

I'll meet you out front.

- Honey, have fun.

DENIS:
Okay.

Not too much fun.

Not much danger

of that, Mrs. C.

- Bye, Mom!

- Bye, honey.

Denis, let me talk to you.

Okay, look. This is your

last summer before college.

That accelerated

medical program...

...isn't gonna leave time

for parties...

...so I want you to enjoy

this summer.

Okay, yeah, sure, no,

I'll try.

Get out there!

Do all those teen things you

haven't had a chance to do.

That's gonna be hard.

He hasn't done any of them.

You know, this whole teenager

coming-of-age thing, I mean...

...it's a relatively new construct.

They came up with it

in the '50s, so...

It's okay just

to have fun sometimes.

Sometimes you just have to say,

"What the F."

Curtis Armstrong, Risky Business,

Except he didn't say "F,"

he said "F***."

(CHUCKLES)

You know what I mean.

Carpe diem.

RICH:
I didn't know you were

such a movie buff, Mr. C.

Robin Williams in

Dead Poets Society.

Yes, thank you. Thank you,

Rich. We know. It's good.

Come here, please.

There are condoms

in my bedside table.

Do you, like, know exactly

how many there are?

They are not toys.

- Yeah.

- Sure.

I think my dad wants us

to have sex.

- With each other?

- No.

Right.

She should really be here by now.

So your parents use condoms?

Not a topic for discussion.

Ever.

Okay. No, it's okay.

I won't.

I just, yeah, I mean, what,

do you think they're lubed? Or...

Incoming!

Go, go, go!

It's the trinity.

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

So where's our boy

in uniform?

He's on our sh*t list.

One of his army buddies was

getting all date-rapey with Treece.

- Oh.

- Oh.

So, where's the party?

This is it.

Here, this location.

Welcome.

Come on in.

Warning, roof may be blown off

due to excessive partying.

Well, go ahead,

princess.

Come on up. Yeah.

Watch your step.

Now entering

the party pod, captain.

Um...

Are we the first ones here?

Yeah,

we are never first.

I've never been

in this house before.

La fiesta es this way,

mi bonitas.

Por favor, sweet and salty

comida for your comesting.

Everything's organic.

The pretzels are fat free.

Are you calling me fat?

What?

No. Not... No.

Hey, come on, you, fat? Why would

he say that? He's not retarded.

My brother's retarded.

(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHING)

RICH:

That's... That was... That's cold.

You probably don't even

have a brother.

No, he, uh... He died.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, that was really...

You got me, that was...

I'm so sorry.

It was a long time ago, but thanks.

Yeah.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What do you want,

Kevin?

I need beer.

Heh, heh. Yeah, you do.

Uh...

Donde esta la beer,

Coovemaster?

My dad doesn't drink beer.

We have champagne.

Ooh. Okay.

Champagne.

Bubbly goodness. Uh...

This is Cristal.

It's the drink of the pimps.

- "The pimps?"

- Mm-hm.

What do you know

about pimps?

Nothing, really.

Mm. Cristal seems to have

changed its logo and spelling.

Champagne makes me

do... things.

Girl, water makes you

do things.

Not regular water.

Ha, ha.

Oh, yeah, okay. I, uh...

Classic.

BETH:

I told you.

No, I don't.

No!

No, you can't come here.

Yeah, well...

Maybe.

I'm busy right now, Kevin.

I want some of that.

No, I will not tell you

where I am or who I'm with...

...but I will tell you this, Kevin,

I'm drinking champagne.

Yep. And it is coming right...

Aah! Oh. God. Oh.

It's okay. Oh.

BETH:
Oh, nothing.

DENIS:
Yeah.

Pfft. Heh.

I'll get this off here.

Would you hurry up?

Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just...

The internal pressure is 90 pounds

per square inch...

...so I don't really know

what the problem...

Don't you dare GPS me.

Oh, please.

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

- Are you okay?

DENIS:
Yeah, I'm great.

I need ice!

Okay, let's see.

Frozen peas.

Really? Okay.

And frozen peas.

Frozen peas. Frozen peas.

Anything cold.

Okay, here. Something cold.

Here, come here.

Okay, here we go.

I'm sorry I'm so pathetic.

Let me tell you something:

All boys are pathetic.

Well, then I apologize

on behalf of all boys.

And sorry

for all the wars and stuff.

You're funny.

How does that feel?

(MO ANS)

Pretty good, I guess.

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