I Love You, Beth Cooper Page #3

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

AND LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

Did you hurt

your back?

Oh. Hee, hee.

Yeah, I hurt my back.

Ah. Ooh!

(STAMMERING)

Party balloons.

- Those aren't party balloons.

- I know what they are.

So, is this what you

had planned for tonight?

No, those are my dad's.

Your dad's not hiding in

the closet or something?

Oh, I hate that.

This was fun.

DENIS:
No, come on. Stick around.

Okay, no, you can't go.

No, wait, wait, wait.

I mean, we've still got

wine to drink. 23 bottles.

Oh, wine reminds me

of Jesus.

You know what, Denis,

we really do have to go.

This was a great party, though.

(WAGNER'S " RIDE OF THE

VALKYRIES" PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)

Oh, sh*t, Kevin.

He triangulated

your cell phone.

(GIGGLING)

(GASPS)

We're gonna need

more waffles.

Sean, you naughty boy.

No, no, no, no.

- Nobody move.

- Why?

Because he is going to kill me.

The most he's gonna do

is beat you up a little.

Lisbee! Lisbee,

open this door!

The windows! Secure the windows!

(DENIS SCREAMING)

Get out here!

Is he always like this?

This is new behavior,

but not surprising.

He's kind of cute.

Kind of.

(DOOR CREAKS)

Oh, my God.

Don't be afraid, I can handle this.

I wasn't afraid.

Why would you think I was afraid?

Congratulations, you found me.

Interesting situation

we have here.

Have you been doing coke?

KEVIN:

Not now, Lisbee.

He's coked up?

That is not one

of the good drugs.

Hey!

Aunt Brenda gave us that!

Prepare to die.

Okay, that's Mandy Patinkin in The

Princess Bride, Rob Reiner, 1987.

Also the same line

was used by Emperor Zurg...

BETH:

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

BETH:

Stop it! Stop!

Now, this is willful damage

to property!

That's a legal term!

Go!

Kevin, stop!

Hey, hey, hey.

No, Denis! Have you ever seen

any of the Friday The 13ths?

You run upstairs, you die!

A weapon,

we need a weapon.

RICH:
Oh, my God.

Find weapons. Aah!

(THUDDING ON DOOR)

RICH:

Denis!

I know what you're thinking.

And, yes, this is

a polycarbonate blade.

(GRUNTING)

I took some workshops

at the Star Wars convention.

Dr. McCoy.

That used to be a person,

so you show some respect!

Rich, I need your help.

Come out of the closet!

(GRUNTING)

Uh, uh, okay.

(SCREAMS)

Go, get out of here!

Go!

- Weird.

DENIS:
Rich?

RICH:

Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Denis?

Over here, over here.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm fine.

Rich, what are you doing?

I think I've made

a terrible decision.

At which point did you think

that was a good decision?

Yeah, no, no, no, I d...

(SCREAMING)

Rich!

KEVIN:

Denis?

(GRUNTING)

Are you okay?

I'm paralyzed.

I'm a paralyzed virgin.

You'll be okay.

Quadriplegics can have sex.

I saw a documentary about it

once on public television.

Let's go. Come on.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

KEVIN:

Sean, Dustin, come on!

Go, go, go!

(GRUNTING)

They're like cyborgs.

Denis?

Rich! Rich! Rich!

(CAR APPRO ACHING)

Why did you do that?

I thought you were smart.

I was smart.

Oh, my God.

Get him in the car.

Come on.

Are you okay?

TREECE:

Oh, my gosh.

Wait, Rich.

(YELLING)

(TREECE SCREAMING)

Lisbee! Stop the car.

Hey! Come back here!

Call me when you're sober!

(GRO ANS)

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, no, I'm fi...

No blood.

Beth, we got away, so you can

stop escaping now if you want to.

She always drives

like this.

I was in Driver's Ed with her.

You could slow down.

We're gonna try

to watch the cones.

We're gonna watch

the road.

Oh! L... Oh.

Not good, not good. Oh!

I'm gonna need you

to pull over.

BETH:

Oh, sh*t!

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Great, you just killed

everybody in the car.

I'm, like, the least notable

person in this car.

When we all die, I'll be

referred to as fifth student.

So, Beth, uh...

...I just wanna say thanks

for rescuing me...

...back there after

you hit me with your car.

That was pretty cool.

No, you ran into my car.

And I'm not rescuing you.

Kevin is heavily medicated right now.

Cocaine, speed, roid rage,

and he can't have another incident.

He'll get court-martialed

for sure.

Sure, yeah.

Do you remember the specifics

of his last incident?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

(SCREAMS)

BETH:

Stupid drivers.

Could I borrow your cell phone?

I left mine back at the house.

Thank you very much.

I'll just...

(FOREIGNER'S " FEELS LIKE THE

FIRST TIME" PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

- Honey. Honey, you're vibrating.

- You bet I am.

No, honey, honey,

it could be Denis.

I don't recognize the number.

Do you?

- Sorry.

- No.

Must be a telemarketer.

(LAUGHING)

(SQUEALING)

Oh, Mr. Cooverman.

Hey, Mom, Dad, it...

- Hi, Mrs. C.

TREECE & CAMMY:
Hi, Mrs. C!

Yeah, that was just Rich...

...and we're okay.

And I can explain the kitchen later.

If you need to reach me,

you can reach me at...

Beth, I'm sorry, can I get

your cell phone number?

Sh*t, my phone!

Kevin's probably tracking it.

- Aah.

- GPS that, a**hole!

(LAUGHING)

A**hole.

Cool.

MAN (ON RADIO):

I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

Ugh. Radio sucks.

Actually, why don't you

tune that to 87.1?

Cooked up a little commencement

mix that I think all of you will enjoy.

DJ C's slamming graduation.

What!

(ALICE COOPER'S "SCHOOL'S OUT"

PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS)

(SINGING)

Well. We got no choice

All the girls and boys

Makin' all that noise

BOTH (SINGING):

'Cause they found new toys

ALL (SINGING):

Well. We can't salute you

Can't find a flag

If that don't suit you

That's a drag

School's out for summer

School's out forever

Ever.

School's been blown to pieces

Yeah.

I love this song. Who wouldn't

want to blow up their school?

(DENIS GRUNTS)

Crack him like a walnut.

Hello.

Sorry.

Let's get some beer.

So, uh, I think I was knocked out

back there momentarily...

...because I definitely wasn't, uh,

you know, looking or anything.

- Yuck.

- What?

Maybe we should get you some

Band-Aids or cream or something.

Oh, no. No, no, no,

I'm... I'm...

Wow, your eyes aren't blue.

My eyes?

Yeah, there's like some

green in there and then...

...on the pupil, there's like a hazel

starburst sort of thing going on.

Uh, my grandma used to call

them a real dog's breakfast.

Lucky dog.

So, what kind of beer

do you like?

What kind? All kinds.

I'm a maniac

for the brewdog.

Chips, chips, chips.

- Got it?

- Yep, I got it.

Suzy Q's, yum.

My mom says yum.

Yum.

Not like that, that's...

- Got it?

- Yep, good.

BETH:
Hi.

- Hey.

BETH:
How are you?

- Really good.

There you go.

What's with

your boyfriend?

Oh, he's my little brother.

What happened

to his face?

Dad beats him.

Sorry I asked.

Oh, uh... Heh, heh.

I'm gonna need

to see some ID.

Of course.

Here you go.

Wow. You've lost weight,

Patricia.

You certainly don't look 37.

Well, thank you.

So that's $ 15.42,

without the beer.

Come on. It's graduation night.

Oh, well, congratulations.

Sam.

You seem like a cool guy, Sam.

Come on. Be cool.

Look, I could lose my shitty job.

How about I kiss you so hard,

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